Questions for those who are ENM

[Butterfly]

• How did you first discover ENM — and what drew you to it?
• Do you consider ENM part of your identity or simply a relationship choice?
• How do you personally define the difference between polyamory, open relationships, and ENM?
• What was the biggest mindset shift you had to make when entering ENM?
• How do you handle tough conversations — like time boundaries, emotional needs, or shifting dynamics?
• What does “trust” mean to you in an ENM context? How is it built and maintained?
• Are your relationships hierarchical, non-hierarchical, or something in between? Why?
• How do you balance time, energy, and emotional labor across multiple connections?
• How do you navigate sexual health and safety in ENM relationships?
• What do you say to people who think ENM “just doesn’t work” or is “a phase”?
• Have you faced stigma — from friends, family, or even within the dating world?
• What’s a common misconception about ENM you wish more people understood?
• What’s been the most joyful or unexpected gift of practicing ENM?

 

[Jaro]

I am not ENM, but I would be. I find it interesting and would be open to it. But it helps that I'm not the jealous type.

I am very curious about the answer to the third question, because honestly I am not sure what the difference is.

 

[CarnalSensuality]

1. First discovered ENM - in my life, before ENM existed, was the book "Time Enough for Love" in high school. Simply reading it made me happier and I felt free. But there was no way to bring it into reality.
First discovered it in the Real World - someone spoke about it in a kinky conversation and I thought: THAT is what I want!

I'm more of a 'free love' person - but moreso of the 'the more you love, the more you _can_ love' generative mindset. Love is freeing, Love includes hope, Love includes sharing, Love includes so many positives which (ideally?) don't include, erm, artificial? limitations...

2, Part of your identity?
That is complex. I felt like it was part of my identity before I knew anything or had really tried any relationships. Then after some sour relationships, I felt it was an excellent solution to getting involved with possessive, jealous people. But you can run into them in all aspects of society, apparently. I've had enough trouble finding let alone negotiating what I want that it may well be part of my identity, but I may also never see it again.

12. Misconceptions about ENM?
I haven't been very social recently so maybe it has changed, but typically the central misconception is that if someone says that they are [insert any ENM label here], a majority of people will assume some version of: that they are open to having sex with anyone, at any time. Nope.

Beyond that, the misconceptions vary widely by the person's social standards and assumptions: free sex, free love, free to do anything to any one, used up all their love on one person, etc. etc. etc. The same as with most any kinky activities being viewed or judged by outsiders.

 

[CarnalSensuality]

I am not ENM, but I would be. I find it interesting and would be open to it. But it helps that I'm not the jealous type.

I am very curious about the answer to the third question, because honestly I am not sure what the difference is.

YMMV

3. Differences?
I will always see polyamoury as it's namesake: multiple-Loves, as in allowing if not encouraging more than one emotionally loving relationships - which may not include sex, kink, or other aspects. Centered more around the relationship between the people, and (hopefully? usually?) with deep mutual involvement. Often these include at least incidental relationships with paramours and sharing information.

In (old) traditions non-monogamy is usually posed as the complement to polyamory, where it focuses more on carnal relations such as sex, swingers, or kink and usually skips emotional involvement or any relating outside of the central activity(ies). But literally non-monogamy is the blanket term for having an intimate relationship with more than 1 person (regardless of type(s) of intimacy) during the same period - so could include/exclude just about every other type of negotiation, including emotional betrayals such as cheating.

ENM is the ethical version, where there is enough negotiation and information-sharing such that no person in a relationship is left out or betrayed in any way: all partners are known (to the degree needed) and accepted by the other partners. That may required full disclosures of who, when, what activities, etc., or just enough to know everyone is safe (ie. STI tests, etc.).

Open Relationships might be seen as a less-involved version, in that there are usually more general rules but perhaps more freedom and less involvement, scheduling, and negotiating with related parties. "Out of sight, out of mind" is more often associated with this, but this type of relationship is NOT strictly defined by that. Your husband could have a boyfriend and a girlfriend, but you don't even know their names nor care as long as hubby is home every night and gets to the important events you schedule together.

 

[Butterfly]

12. Misconceptions about ENM?
I haven't been very social recently so maybe it has changed, but typically the central misconception is that if someone says that they are [insert any ENM label here], a majority of people will assume some version of: that they are open to having sex with anyone, at any time. Nope.

Beyond that, the misconceptions vary widely by the person's social standards and assumptions: free sex, free love, free to do anything to any one, used up all their love on one person, etc. etc. etc. The same as with most any kinky activities being viewed or judged by outsiders.

Yes!!! Ugh. It annoys me so freaking much when I am labelled as a slut, or people message me just wanting a FWB. Or even being a cheater

Another misconception that I have found is that people will assume that my need for another partner is based on needing to fill a void or meet a need that isn't being fulfilled. Sometimes this might be the case, but not always.

 

[Butterfly]

YMMV

3. Differences?
I will always see polyamoury as it's namesake: multiple-Loves, as in allowing if not encouraging more than one emotionally loving relationships - which may not include sex, kink, or other aspects. Centered more around the relationship between the people, and (hopefully? usually?) with deep mutual involvement. Often these include at least incidental relationships with paramours and sharing information.

In (old) traditions non-monogamy is usually posed as the complement to polyamory, where it focuses more on carnal relations such as sex, swingers, or kink and usually skips emotional involvement or any relating outside of the central activity(ies). But literally non-monogamy is the blanket term for having an intimate relationship with more than 1 person (regardless of type(s) of intimacy) during the same period - so could include/exclude just about every other type of negotiation, including emotional betrayals such as cheating.

ENM is the ethical version, where there is enough negotiation and information-sharing such that no person in a relationship is left out or betrayed in any way: all partners are known (to the degree needed) and accepted by the other partners. That may required full disclosures of who, when, what activities, etc., or just enough to know everyone is safe (ie. STI tests, etc.).

Open Relationships might be seen as a less-involved version, in that there are usually more general rules but perhaps more freedom and less involvement, scheduling, and negotiating with related parties. "Out of sight, out of mind" is more often associated with this, but this type of relationship is NOT strictly defined by that. Your husband could have a boyfriend and a girlfriend, but you don't even know their names nor care as long as hubby is home every night and gets to the important events you schedule together.

I would love for you to post this in the education section of the site!