Aftercare

[Butterfly]

TOPIC: Aftercare

This thread is going to be specifically used to discuss Aftercare.


What is aftercare?

How important is aftercare to you?

What type of aftercare do you need/provide?

What are your experiences like with aftercare?​

 

[MessyAshy]

I have never received aftercare, really. It just doesn't seem to happen in online play, especially the ones where they just ghost halfway through. I would like some aftercare, though! A hug, reflecting on a scene together, getting and giving feedback, connection beyond kink.

That's another reason I love WAM, the aftercare is kind of built in. Even if it's solo, the cleaning up and showering can feel like a rebirth. Even when watching WAM videos I like the ones that include the shower afterward. Watching the stress and humiliation wash away...

 

[Butterfly]

I have never received aftercare, really. It just doesn't seem to happen in online play, especially the ones where they just ghost halfway through. I would like some aftercare, though! A hug, reflecting on a scene together, getting and giving feedback, connection beyond kink.

That's another reason I love WAM, the aftercare is kind of built in. Even if it's solo, the cleaning up and showering can feel like a rebirth. Even when watching WAM videos I like the ones that include the shower afterward. Watching the stress and humiliation wash away...

I think aftercare is so important, even in casual play. Its hard when the person isn't physically there with you and can easily just ghost you during or after, but it is always something that should be negotiated when setting up to play with each other.

 

[picaboo]

I will ramble about after car for a bit. My experience being from a submissive into possibly more painful and intense scenes with partners both in private and group settings.

What is aftercare?

It's quite literally caring for your self and partner after the scene is finished. This could be emotional needs especially since some times during scenes harsh and offensive things are said and even though it's part of the play/scene one person could take it to far or seriously and it's important to discuss things like that and talk about what went well or didn't go well. For some it's simply cuddling with your partner wanting that nice and comforting touch. Also physical aspects of after care is really important like hydration, snackies, and even things like ointments and lotions or bandages.
Main thing about after car is it's all different and it's what ever YOU need to feel good after a scene and finding a dom or sub with similar aftercare wants and needs is just as important as any other part of the relationship I have had to end things with many play partners because our after care needs were so different.

How important is aftercare to you?

It's incredibly important. When I first started kink with some friends I thought it was stupid but when I got into more serious scenes it became incredibly important to me. It's one of the main reasons I cut ties with a dom partner.

What type of aftercare do you need/provide?

What kind do I need?
I need emotional detachment. I don't want hugs I don't want you to be emotionally open with me in any way. I need water, snacks and I want to be looked over for injuries. I want someone who can do that in a way that's respectful to me and not condescending to me.

What do I provide?
I have been with a lot of newer doms and tops so a lot of my aftercare is trying to make sure there ok with the scene. A surprising amount of newer tops (especially the what I believe will be good ones) will some times question them selves and what they did or said. Again part of it for me is more physical with impact and rope tops or other pain play so reassuring them that they didn't take it to far is important a lot of newer tops will start to question them selves an hour or so after the scene and the scars or bruises really show.

What are your experiences like with aftercare?

Over all positive experiences
For me there's a few ways it goes first thing is before a intense scene we talk about after care and see each other needs I normally have a bag with aftercare stuff like a iPod with music( a old iPod with NO CAMERA) head phones, SEALED water bottle, candy/snacks, basic first aid like bandages and burn cream and ointments. For me also I rarely do formal after care with partners I have been with because we know each other and know what eachother is expecting if I'm with a new partner that I met at that event or a munch than I try to be more serious about it making sure there's a formal "end" to the scene so that no more play continues and than we go through and talk about the scene and just make sure we're both still comfortable with each other. If it's in a more group setting I also try to drown out some of the noise from other couples and scenes so that's what the iPod is for.

 

[deschut]

What is aftercare?
To me it's being there and listening to the experience someone had if the person wants to talk about it. Or simply talk about random other things to make sure someone feels comfortable after play. The more intense the play, the more essential this is.
How important is aftercare to you?
I really think it's super important. Bad experiences with this can be very harmful. Not doing this right can leave the dom or sub in an extremely confused state, that can lead to dissapointment, sadness and anger.
What type of aftercare do you need/provide?
I always try and understand what aftercare someone needs. Whether that's a conversation, or maybe even something else like cuddle with pillow, or watch a cartoon. It clearly can be very different. I think it's important to understand the needs - and both directions (Sub and Dom) provide this. As a Dom, I find it very important to understand how someone feels and get feedback - so it also harms me if a sub 'ghosts' afterwards.
What are your experiences like with aftercare?
I've had a lot of good experiences with it! Most people do appreciate the extra care. I've also had some worrying situations, where I wasn't aware what was happening - for me personally that's difficult to deal with, but obviously I can also imagine that some subs actually need a different form of aftercare (where they can't immediately talk about the experience, and need something else for a bit to settle down). In the end what's key: Both be able to continue with day-to-day stuff with a happy and fulfilled feeling!

 

[Pluky]

Sir's toy doesn't think about aftercare too much like a procedure, instead some of these things just come naturally :

- she gets extremely hungry after or even before a session ends and has to have a snack (sometimes she is still naked and has to ask permission to do so if the session really hasn't been closed yet)

- she starts talking with Sir as they both get more casual and light hearted, asking if things felt ok, reassuring each side, again not really a checklist kinda thing but rather whatever naturally comes in the conversation so it will be different from one session to another

- she might get tense muscles or pain in some joints depending on what has been done (she's very prone to these things just a chronic pain kinda person) so she will do self-massages and yoga as needed, that is usually for way later or the next day tho

- not sure if this fits under the the after care label but she loves either sharing pictures of the session or writing reports and feelings about it, it's almost a ritualistic extension of the session, a way to further dwell in the pleasures that it provided

- she needs a shower especially if things got leaky or after lot of (or big sized) body writing, and changing bedsheets in the first situation


That's what comes to Sir's toy's mind for now.

 

[SilkAndSour]

Im glad that this exists already, and that i didnt have to write a completely new Thread about it. So i would like to bump it a bit. And ask others to give their opinion about aftercare.

Main reason why i think that this is important is because there are different kinds of aftercare:
- literal after care from and through someone else
- and then self-care after a task- and dare-completion or a finished session (online).

I wanted to ask others to think about this because many people come to the general or even kinky chat and ask for tasks and dares and even using them with toys and similar, but forget that after that, in most cases, they are the only ones responsible for their own self-aftercare.

I am aware that this sounds mean and unfair, but unless you've directly talked about this with an individual, you can't really expect from them to look after you and make sure that you are feeling well.

Should this be something that is done? Probably. Yes even.

But ask yourself "would i act the same?", "would i ask others if they need aftercare if they dont mention it beforehand?".

So i would like to ask others - what is your opinion on this. When is aftercare in your opinion important? How can people better differentiate the after- or selfcare? How to protect yourself better? And how to admit that you even need some?

Now to answer Butterfly's questions:

How important is aftercare to you?

What type of aftercare do you need/provide?

What are your experiences like with aftercare?​

If i only ask for tasks or dares from someone then its not necessary for me.
Unless i see that it could be mentally and physically too much, then i try to prepare myself for it, by either getting myself a bottle of water ready, something to read or really comfortable clothes.

In a session or dynamic its somewhat different for me. I like to talk it out. Not just about me, and how im doing but also Dom's side. Since both kinds of drops are possible and i want to make sure that they are doing well.

I dont like to leave it at "i hope you're well. Thanks for the session". It just feels unnatural to me. Ive learned that cooling down together and asking both sides if anything was too much, if anything felt really good or similar is quite a good way to see better how it actually ticked. What could be done better and even if i would want to do this again.

I think it also depends on what you are after and what you are used to. But please always make sure that you are doing well. And if you need someone to talk to after bad experience or a drop, dont be afraid to do so. There are many of us who will gladly listen. Even if its just a rant in your opinion.

 

[makemesquirm]

I love this topic!

What is aftercare?
I think aftercare is very important in kink, both online and offline. In my opinion, it's a way to make the sub feel valued after a session, especially because things can feel emotional and vulnerable no matter how much you enjoyed it. Communicating with each other can also help the dom if they have any doubts about how things went.

How important is aftercare to you?
Very very very important. If I play with someone who doesn't give good aftercare (yes, even if it's online), I will not play with them again. I will also end dynamics if they don't give good aftercare.

What type of aftercare do you need/provide?
Online - Checking in with me about how I'm feeling, praising me, making me feel valued and talking with me for a bit after a session. I also like having an honest conversation about what we both did or didn't enjoy, especially if it's not just a one off thing.

Offline - Same as above, but with added cuddles and maybe watching a movie afterwards. I also like feeling looked after because I can feel sleepy afterwards, so things like rubbing creams on sore areas or bringing me a drink and snacks in bed feels really nice

What are your experiences like with aftercare?
Mostly good, but some bad.

 

[Dungeonmaster]

I wanted to reply to this topic for ages, but always forgot. Maybe I'll actually finish the post now.
I think we should have way more responses here, as this is a very important and sensible topic.

What is aftercare?​

To me aftercare is something that should happen naturally after a session. It's nothing that should need planing or sheduling. It will defer heavily, depending on what happened before. But in general aftercare for me can be as simple as just talking. Talking about the experiences made, maybe some praise, make both sides feel valued. For the sub especially, if they were very vulnureable during the session, bring them back down. Make them feel safe and appreciated for what they did.

How important is aftercare to you?​

Very important. But like I said, it should happen naturally. So for me it is more or less a part of the session.

What type of aftercare do you need/provide?​

That can be very different, depending on the person involved.
Online it is mainly talking, just feeling close. Talking through things, giving some praise. More often than not, making sure the sub actually hydrates
Irl it is not much different, with the added benefit of being physically close. Having some cuddles. Maybe slowly removing toys or ropes/cuffs over time.

What are your experiences like with aftercare?​

Mostly good, but online way too often I encounter subs who are actually surprised if someone does aftercare and doesn't just leave them alone. I had people literally beg me not to leave, while I didn't even plan to. That shows me that it is too often neglected.

I wanted to ask others to think about this because many people come to the general or even kinky chat and ask for tasks and dares and even using them with toys and similar, but forget that after that, in most cases, they are the only ones responsible for their own self-aftercare.

I am aware that this sounds mean and unfair, but unless you've directly talked about this with an individual, you can't really expect from them to look after you and make sure that you are feeling well.

Should this be something that is done? Probably. Yes even.

But ask yourself "would i act the same?", "would i ask others if they need aftercare if they dont mention it beforehand?".

So i would like to ask others - what is your opinion on this. When is aftercare in your opinion important? How can people better differentiate the after- or selfcare? How to protect yourself better? And how to admit that you even need some?

This is a very complicated topic. Coming into a chatroom offering yourself up for use is not an easy game to play. Yes, it would be great if someone who participated would offer some aftercare afterwards. Can you expect them to? I don't think so.
In the end, the persons who participated didn't know beforehand that they would have a session. They might need to get out or go somewhere. You can't really expect them to stick around. It would be nice if they do, but I don't think there is an obligation here.

In general, for this kind of situation, I would always advise having someone with you in chat, who looks over you. Who is aware of what is going to happen, who can jump in if things get out of hand and who can also provide the needed aftercare afterwards.

For how to admit you need some. Most of the time it will be enough to simply say it. Most active people on a site like this, will be happy to provide it. But, if you come into a poublic chat, and maybe none of these people really know you, you can't expect them to know you need it. Gotta say something. Or better, ask before if someone can do it after.

 

[SensoryOverlord]

I'll weigh in here, coming from a different perspective - my kink play is mostly self-directed solo play when no one is around. Do I need aftercare/self care? Sometimes when I feel I might have overdone things (pretty sure I put myself into subspace a few times...). And what I need can vary greatly.

What is aftercare?
For me in these situations, it's first and foremost a quick review of what took place and how I feel about it. Did I enjoy it all, are there things I wouldn't do again, are there things I'd do differently?
Then a check of my condition - did it wipe me out, energize me or something else? Maybe I feel accomplished and pleased with my body...
I might be ready to nap, or go on to the next activity (usually household chores lol)

How important is aftercare to you?
I definitely want to acknowledge my thoughts about what happened as described above, so it's very important. And if I need more self care then naturally that's important.

What type of aftercare do you need/provide?
The self analysis of the session for sure. The rest will vary - maybe nothing more, maybe significant self care which might include any clean up, relaxing with a snack, moving to other activities, bath or shower, etc.

What are your experiences like with aftercare?
Good because it's all me - if I need something more, I can take care of that.

I'd like to think that in serious online play or IRL sessions, I can carry this experience to both knowing what I need afterwards and a good guess at what the other person(s) might need...