Why I want my sub to safeword

I am a big advocate of safewords. I have written previous blogs and writtings about them here and elsewhere.

To summarize, I believe that a safeword should be used in ALL D/s dynamics. I know that some people choose to play without them, but I think they are essential and I do not play with others without having a safeword, and actually I typically have multiple safewords.

That being said, one of the first things that I do with a new sub, is to force them to safeword.

Now, I know a lot of people view safewording as a bad thing. It means that the Dom/me must have taken things too far right? Well, I don't view it that way.

A safeword is meant to be used! So when I first start with a new sub, I put them in a controlled and safe situation and force them to safeword. How do I do this?

One of the techniques I use is extreme cold. I will have them hold and squeeze an ice cube. The pain that this causes is usually enough that somebody can't do it for more than a minute, long before the ice melts. It is something that won't cause them any physical harm, or long term effects, but it is very trying and difficult and they have no choice but to cry out their safeword if they want to stop. Based on the individual sub I have other ways to force a safeword as well, but I find this one is very simple, safe and effective.

Why do I force a safeword? Because I want them to be comfortable using it. I want them to know it is ok. To show them there are no consequences. There is no need to be afraid. I also want them to practice saying it.

So many people are afraid of using a safeword. Dom/mes don't want to hear it because they feel as though it means they failed. Subs don't want to use it because they don't want to be punished, or to feel as though they let their Dom/me down. I think it is very important to not only communicate with each other that this is NOT what the safeword means, but to also show your sub that it is ok. By having them say the safeword in a controlled environment, you can control your reaction and be prepared to deal with any negative feelings that may occur. Practicing this together, will better prepare you for a situation where a safeword is used in the future.

Practice makes perfect. When you are panicked and in a situation where you need to stop, your safeword might be the last thing that you think of saying. Practicing the use of your safeword, keeps it fresh in your mind and you are more likely to be able to recall it in a moment of panic or distress.

Now, I know some people use the argument that a Dom should know when to stop, way before a safeword is used. However, this is not always the case. First, it is hard to know the exact parameters of a subs limits when you are first entering into a relationship. I would much rather have my sub safeword and tell me when I am getting close, or when I have reached that limit, than have them get hurt physically or mentally, or scare them away. Second, once you have made it through the beginning part of a relationship, at some point you may want to push limits. I cannot safely push my subs limits if I am not confident that they are going to safeword when needed.

Just as my sub needs to trust that I will honor their safeword and be there to protect and care for them if it is used, I need to trust that my sub will USE the safeword.

Of course, this doesn't mean that I can just go off and do whatever I want until they safeword. As a Domme, I still have a great responsibility. I still need to be checking in and monitoring my sub, because a safeword isn't fail proof. When my sub is in subspace or a similar state, they may not have the ability to think about safewording. The safeword doesn't take away my duty to care and protect them. But it is an important tool to have, AND to use!

I want my sub to safeword!

 

[MessyAshy]

I feel a lot of people have this fantasy of not having a safeword, without examining what that actually means. To be able to play safely without a safeword you need practice, you need knowledge, you need trust, you need a deep connection to the person you're playing with, know their ins and outs, their hopes and fears, their dreams and desires. That kind of deep connection is what they actually want... but they either don't realize it, or they do, but they try to fast-track it by starting off without a safeword... and it doesn't work like that.

AND you can have that kind of relationship, and still have that safeword in place. It's like a fire extinguisher, would you rather have it and not need it, or need it but don't have it? Easy choice.

But it's the same thing with people who claim they have no limits. You are not a better sub if you have no limits, and you are not a better sub if you don't have a safeword, or don't use it when you need it. Just like not having a seatbelt doesn't make you a better driver.

 

[picaboo]

This is a way different approach to safe words than I have had and it's interesting I have never heard of a Dom wanting to make someone safe word it's a interesting take on it for sure. If my Dom ever told me they were going to try to force me to safe word I would be fucking terrified about what was going to come.

 

[baloo]

I agree with everything you said. Safewords are essential and vital to a healthy dynamic, simply because consent is not something you give for all eternity - it can be withdrawn at any moment. I have played without safewords in the past in what started out as the submissive role, but it did not feel submissive after a short while, I wasn't actively giving up my agency and be controlled, I was stuck! I get why people think that is a fun thing to experience, thrilled by the fantasy, but it really isn't any fun at all!

Also I want to underline the importance of practice! Yes! Do practice your safeword, and practice reacting to it. It sounds like such a simple concept but in the heat of a scene, you can forget it, you can feel uncomfortable, unworthy of safeword even. A safety net is no use if it's not hung correctly. The most memorable thing about that was an interrogation scene, where my partner tried to get me to tell them my safeword. A fun way to do the practice if you ask me.

 

[Butterfly]

This is a way different approach to safe words than I have had and it's interesting I have never heard of a Dom wanting to make someone safe word it's a interesting take on it for sure. If my Dom ever told me they were going to try to force me to safe word I would be fucking terrified about what was going to come.

When we start with that kind of scene, I explain it really clearly. I explain why and how I will make them use the safeword.

Further down the line, a very similar conversation would happen. For example, as a sub, I want to test those limits and find that line. So I want to negotiate that ahead of time with my Dom. So that he knows that I want to get to that place. Of course he is still in control and could stop at any point. But I want him to know that I will safeword if I truly feel I have found the bounds of that limit.

 

[MuttSow]

I need to trust that my sub will USE the safeword.

This, this right here. If the Dom knows and trusts that the sub will utilize safewords, it opens up so many doors and eliminates so many apprehensions they may have. This is also why I love safeword systems like the Traffic Lights. You can yellow and keep the scene going, letting your partner know that they are veering to close to your limits and to back off. With the right system and deliberation ahead of time you can convey so much information so easily when it is needed the most. They do not mean anyone did anything wrong, and usually are just a more convenient way of talking when forming sentences can be difficult.

 

[LittleBear]

I totally agree with all the points raised here. Unfortunately I've been in a situation previously where safewording was discouraged so I understand the need to make a sub see it's OK .

It's also worth remembering that a sub can safeword during something they wouldn't normally safeword for. Sometimes they may just be having a bad day, and although it would be nice if that came out before play, doesn't mean it's not possible for someone to suddenly not be OK.

 

[Simi]

As someone with chronic pain, most of the time if I need to stop, its some pain spiking somewhere. If in person when I'm pleasuring Owner for instance i will say hey, will need to stop in a few minutes, as i will be feeling the back pain building and have a sense for when i need a break. During play online there rare times we have me gagged its a hand raise, in person if a position is a bit during physical domination etc wrong I'll double tap the offending arm pinning/ or just say so we can adjust (trained habit from Karate). We don't really have a specific vocal safeword, unless you count "bad pain" lol. My Owner is very careful with me, and knows my limits/likes very well etc, so its never called off as we are veering the wrong way as yet. We also pre negotiate the vibe/direction/intensity and what my body can do at the time, especially on rougher days. By now that often boils down to things like, my headaches bad so I couldnt take too many orgasm triggers, i need the light off/blindfold as sensitive, my back isnt up for lying in the bed so just playing at the desk chair, go gentle with me but be controlling etc, my brains feeling vulnerable so not in the degredation matter, I'm cramping so please don't make me desperate. (for context, I have a bunch of hypnotic triggers for various things, some days whichever sensation just wouldnt feel good, desperate making the bladder feel very full) Sometimes in play its hey i am super horny but i cant last much longer, it happens, its a thing, and nothing to be ashamed about (even if i have had more than a few times when i got very frustrated with myself) He observes and often will check in if he thinks i look like i am beginning to struggle (last night actually he saw me doing what looked like holding my head and asked if it was my headache, and i was just trying to tighten my nose hook lol.)

Doms do have the responsibility to check in, observe and make sure you are ok, but as a sub you have the responsibility of actually communicating whats going on, be that only through safewords in intense scenes, or just being open about how you are doing, whether its mid play or hey, I am needing this today in a negotiation beforehand.

It doesn't need to be a big thing that throws everything off, which is why i also like traffic lights as a method with yellow, especially with new people. There's nothing wrong with needing to safe word, signal etc, just have some way of communicating hey this isn't doing good for me right now. One of the wonderful things about healthy kink, is clear, open negotiation.