Topping from the Bottom

[Butterfly]

TOPIC: Topping from the Bottom

In this thread, I would like to focus on the concept of "topping from the bottom".


How do you define "topping from the bottom"?

How do you handle it as a Dom/me or Top?

How do you handle it as a Sub or Bottom?

How can you prevent "topping from the bottom"?


Please feel free to share your experiences, definitions, opinions and any resources you find many be helpful.​

 

[Butterfly]

I actually hate the term topping from the bottom. There is such a stigma attached and I think it holds some submissive back from sharing their thoughts, feelings, wants and needs in a relationship.

I don't know how many times I have been accused of topping from the bottom or a sub has told me that they don't want to share, for fear of being accused of topping from the bottom. Telling my Dom that I want to be spanked or that I want to play with electricity, is not topping from the bottom.

Telling my Dom that I am going to cum even if he says no (but not actually doing it), is not topping from the bottom. Calling my Dom names because he is teasing me and denying me, is not topping from the bottom. Telling my Dom that I didn't like the play session because I thought it was boring, is not topping from the bottom. Asking my Dom to never call me a certain name again is not topping from Some of these things are me just being a brat, but others are sharing my feelings about things and that is so important to any kind of relationship. It is how we learn about each other and grow together.

For me, Topping from the Bottom is when the bottom tries to overpower the Dom and control what is going to happen.

Personally, I hate the expression. I think that it is thrown around way too carelessly by Tops who are threatened by their bottom expressing an opinion or having a voice.

Communication is the MOST important part of any relationship, but especially D/s relationships. There are so many different ways to communicate and each relationship will have different ways that work for them, but it is important to have clear and open lines of communication. Neither partner should ever feel like they are not allowed to communicate.

A bottom should be allowed to share their thoughts, opinions and feelings without penalty. The Top should always be open to hearing what their bottom is saying, however, what they do with that information really can vary depending on what the nature of the relationship is.

It doesn't matter if the bottom is saying "I love this, please don't stop" or "I want to cum now!", because the Top gets to ultimately choose their fate, not the bottom. This would not be considered topping from the bottom.

For me, topping from the bottom only happens under certain circumstances:
* If the bottom is manipulating the Top into getting their own way. ie. They want to receive a spanking and so they deliberately break a rule.
* If the bottom makes demands or gives ultimatums ie. If you do not let me orgasm, I am going to leave
* Downright disobeying with no clear reason ie. not using a safeword or having a conversation

Any Dom who is threatened by their sub sharing their thoughts and feelings, or letting their personality shine, is not cut out for a long term D/s or M/s relationship, in my opinion.

Honestly I would like to see this phrase disappear completely as I feel it is usually used to shut up a bottom and be allowed to do whatever you want.

 

[baloo]

I define this as a misnomer, an unfortunate consequence of this misconception that a dom has to top, and a sub has to bottom.
A top is the person who dishes out an activity onto a bottom, who is receiving it. You cannot top from bottom, it's either the one or the other.
So what I think people mean is either the concept of a submissive top or a dominant bottom - both exist, and both are wonderful; Or they mean a sub trying to overpower their dom. And this is something I find far more fascinating.
As a switch I have experienced transitions during a scene, where I got yanked out of my submissive position and needed to dominate. It also happens the other way around. I also dabble in conditioning, in particular with collars and other accessories that once put on put me in a more dominant or submissive mindset (and prevent me from randomly switching).
So sometimes I get that the topping from bottom term is used derogatively. Perhaps this is a sign that a sub is experiencing switch and doesn't know to communicate it. Something we as a community should be on the lookout for.
One thing I like to do is have a special code word to indicate I am switching. It works like a safeword but doesn't have the safety aspect.