• 🌈 Happy June!
    🏳️‍🌈 It is pride month and so I want to just remind you that we have the ability to "wave" our pride flag of choice on our profiles. If you haven’t set one yet, you can do that here. If you need help, let the mods know!
    📊 I have posted the poll to the May Monthly Mischief. Vote here. Thank you to all who participated. Please take a moment to read the reports and vote on your favorite. The poll is active until next Sunday!
    🧠 A new Monthly Mischief Quest has been posted for June. Check it out and start thinking of something fun to submit! Click here.
    💖 Stay safe, stay kinky, have fun!
    xx Butterfly 🦋

Too much, yet not enough

I grew up in a household where I was told constantly that I was not enough. I wasn't smart enough, good enough, selfless enough, pretty enough. I was made to believe that I would never find somebody who would love me because I was unlovable. I was lacking something, everything ....

I obviously know now that this isn't true. I am loved by many people. I even have it tattooed on my chest as a daily visual reminder that "I am enough".

Yet, constant rejection is something that challenges that reminder. Being rejected because I am fat, or poly, being a little or a switch. Being called ugly, obnoxious, selfish ... and these are just reasons that I am not enough that I have been given this week. I know that those people are missing out on the wonderful parts of me. It is totally ok that I am not their flavor of kink or what they want in a partner. I know that is a them problem and not a me problem.

BUT it still hurts.

And yet, on the other hand, I also constantly feel like I am too much.

This feeling usually comes as I am getting to know somebody. Once we have got through the initial rejection danger zone, when we are getting to know each other better, I have to share more intimate details about myself. One of these things is my medical history.

I suffer from chronic pain, a few headache disorders, anxiety, and I have a brain tumor (it is not cancerous and not causing any major issues right now). This means that I have days where I might not be up for sexual play, I have days where I might not be able to chat much because I need to lay in a dark room with an ice pack, or I could just be a little less chatty.

I do my best to remain positive. To keep pushing through. I don't want to let any of my conditions stop me from enjoying life, and living. BUT I do need to share these struggles with my partners. They need to know.

I hate feeling like I am complaining. I hate feeling like I am being negative.

I don't want to be a burden.

Nobody deserves to deal with all of this. All of me.

It isn't fair.

And so, I struggle because I want to be enough, but I don't want to be too much.

and

I don't know how.
 
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Thank you for this very honest blog. Want to say it shows a lot of healing and growth but also how it is a constant thing you need to handle.
Personally I can relate to a lot of these feelings too but struggle to be as articulate, or let people in/ care.
Thank you for the blog and articulating the difficulties with not feeling good enough and the guilt for being too much for whatever reason.
I hope you can continue to remember your value and impact ❤️
 
I am so sorry you deal with this. I have always been insulted and looked down at through out my life for diferant things but you just seem like such a genuinely good person. You spend time and energy on a site like this that's trying to build community and understanding it's beyond upsetting knowing your being treated like this.

You say no one deserves to deal with all of you and they don't. They don't deserve the happiness you could bring to them. They don't deserve the love and the warmth your hugs could bring. I dont know you well but from everything I have seen of you and everything I have read from you. You are so beautiful both inside and out and a lot of people don't deserve someone so good.
 
Youre never ever a burden. You're always fun and nice and sweet to everyone. And definitely good enough, although I feel telling you will never truly make you feel that way unfortunately.

Thank you for sharing, it truly is important.
The only thing there's never enough of? Glitter ;)

You are wonderful!
 
It is never easy to keep ones self image when constantly told things that will distort it. It far to easily becomes something you believe and each extra time is just a confirmation of the last. But I am glad you know they are wrong and it is a them issue, even as it is hard to truly feel that. But you have never been too much for me, and I doubt you could be. From all I know you are an amazing person. The amazing Glitteress bringing fun and sparkles. (:
 
I just want you all to know that I have ready your comments and they mean so much to me. It's hard because logically I know these things. I have said the same things to other people. But it's so hard to internalize the same thing.

Thank you all ❤️
 
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