Recently I posted a blog about using safewords in online relationships. You can read that blog here if you wish.
As much as I acknowledge that safewords are important, I know that safewording can sometimes have a stigma attached to it. I know a lot of subs that will feel like a failure or as though they are disappointing their top by using their safeword. I think that this can be a very dangerous view point, but I won't get into that right now. What I want to write about today is the system that @Mr. Devious and I set up to communicate during our play sessions (when we still had play sessions).
I think the traffic light system of safewords is pretty common in the BDSM world. Typically these are:
Red: Using this word STOPS all play immediately.
Yellow: Using this word PAUSES all play immediately. It indicates that there is something wrong or that something needs to be changed or communicated before continuing.
Green: Using this word lets your Top know that you are LOVING everything that is happening. It is a good word to use as encouragement.
When Mr. Devious and I first started our D/s relationship, we had two safewords. One that meant the equivalent of Red and one that meant the equivalent of Yellow. These worked really well for us while we were in a long distance relationship.
I hadn't even thought about using the Green word to encourage my Top until we started to explore the kink community in our area. It was something that was talked about at length and highly encouraged. And it made a lot of sense to both of us.
Around that same time, we were considering implementing a new playtime routine/ritual. When Mr. Devious and I discussed it, we wanted to limit my communication and bantering during play sessions so that I could fully immerse myself in the experience, rather than remain bratty. However, this was risky, and we knew we would need to make sure that I could communicate in other ways.
We decided to come up with a rainbow of communication words. Basically we were extending the traffic light system to suit our needs. Our new code words are:
Red: Stop! I am done.
Orange: Pause. I am reaching my limit.
Yellow: I don't need to pause, but something is not quite ok.
Green: Everything's ok.
Blue: Everything is feeling great. I don't want to stop.
Purple: Subby heaven. I am loving everything. Please don't stop.
White: Permission to speak freely.
The way it works is this: During playtime, Mr. Devious will periodically check in with me. He will ask "how are you doing sweetie?". At those times, I may answer him using ONLY one of the color words. Of course, I may also choose to say those words at any time during play, even without him prompting me. If I feel the need to say more, I can say White and he will decide if I am allowed to speak freely or not.
This color system is amazing for a few reasons.
1. It allows Mr. Devious to check in on me without breaking me out of my "trance" or headspace too much. We can communicate with fairly simple words, that have big meanings. And, because there are more words than the typical yellow, red and green, I can express more variation of emotions and feelings while still using simple words.
2. I can encourage Mr. Devious to continue doing something if I really like it. It doesn't mean he HAS to continue doing it, that is his choice, but it can let him know that I am enjoying something, and how much I am enjoying it.
3. It encourages communication between us. Now, I am not a quiet sub. I make A LOT of noise, and Mr. Devious is great at interpreting my noises and reading my body language. However, he still can't read my thoughts or feelings, and it can be sometimes challenging to hear my noises of pain through my noises of pleasure. This makes things very clear, and gives us a way to communicate briefly during our play session and then we can discuss it more later.
4. If Mr. Devious takes the time to ask me how I am doing, especially as things progress in intensity, it takes the pressure off me as a bottom. I don't have to worry about safewording, or feeling weird about blurting out a safeword, because he is directly asking. Therefore he is taking on a lot of that responsibility that a sub would assume themselves.
I really enjoyed our color system. It allowed me to remain in sub mode, which allows me to submit deeper with less distractions. I was able to reach a place of almost subspace, where I feel floaty and high. It also helped me encourage Mr. Devious, especially when we are trying new things.
I actually think I may need to use this or a variation of this with my current play partners, at least sometimes.
If you do things differently or have other suggestions, I would love to hear them. Alternatively, I would also be happy to answer any questions that you may have about our system and the way we make it work.
As much as I acknowledge that safewords are important, I know that safewording can sometimes have a stigma attached to it. I know a lot of subs that will feel like a failure or as though they are disappointing their top by using their safeword. I think that this can be a very dangerous view point, but I won't get into that right now. What I want to write about today is the system that @Mr. Devious and I set up to communicate during our play sessions (when we still had play sessions).
I think the traffic light system of safewords is pretty common in the BDSM world. Typically these are:
Red: Using this word STOPS all play immediately.
Yellow: Using this word PAUSES all play immediately. It indicates that there is something wrong or that something needs to be changed or communicated before continuing.
Green: Using this word lets your Top know that you are LOVING everything that is happening. It is a good word to use as encouragement.
When Mr. Devious and I first started our D/s relationship, we had two safewords. One that meant the equivalent of Red and one that meant the equivalent of Yellow. These worked really well for us while we were in a long distance relationship.
I hadn't even thought about using the Green word to encourage my Top until we started to explore the kink community in our area. It was something that was talked about at length and highly encouraged. And it made a lot of sense to both of us.
Around that same time, we were considering implementing a new playtime routine/ritual. When Mr. Devious and I discussed it, we wanted to limit my communication and bantering during play sessions so that I could fully immerse myself in the experience, rather than remain bratty. However, this was risky, and we knew we would need to make sure that I could communicate in other ways.
We decided to come up with a rainbow of communication words. Basically we were extending the traffic light system to suit our needs. Our new code words are:
Red: Stop! I am done.
Orange: Pause. I am reaching my limit.
Yellow: I don't need to pause, but something is not quite ok.
Green: Everything's ok.
Blue: Everything is feeling great. I don't want to stop.
Purple: Subby heaven. I am loving everything. Please don't stop.
White: Permission to speak freely.
The way it works is this: During playtime, Mr. Devious will periodically check in with me. He will ask "how are you doing sweetie?". At those times, I may answer him using ONLY one of the color words. Of course, I may also choose to say those words at any time during play, even without him prompting me. If I feel the need to say more, I can say White and he will decide if I am allowed to speak freely or not.
This color system is amazing for a few reasons.
1. It allows Mr. Devious to check in on me without breaking me out of my "trance" or headspace too much. We can communicate with fairly simple words, that have big meanings. And, because there are more words than the typical yellow, red and green, I can express more variation of emotions and feelings while still using simple words.
2. I can encourage Mr. Devious to continue doing something if I really like it. It doesn't mean he HAS to continue doing it, that is his choice, but it can let him know that I am enjoying something, and how much I am enjoying it.
3. It encourages communication between us. Now, I am not a quiet sub. I make A LOT of noise, and Mr. Devious is great at interpreting my noises and reading my body language. However, he still can't read my thoughts or feelings, and it can be sometimes challenging to hear my noises of pain through my noises of pleasure. This makes things very clear, and gives us a way to communicate briefly during our play session and then we can discuss it more later.
4. If Mr. Devious takes the time to ask me how I am doing, especially as things progress in intensity, it takes the pressure off me as a bottom. I don't have to worry about safewording, or feeling weird about blurting out a safeword, because he is directly asking. Therefore he is taking on a lot of that responsibility that a sub would assume themselves.
I really enjoyed our color system. It allowed me to remain in sub mode, which allows me to submit deeper with less distractions. I was able to reach a place of almost subspace, where I feel floaty and high. It also helped me encourage Mr. Devious, especially when we are trying new things.
I actually think I may need to use this or a variation of this with my current play partners, at least sometimes.
If you do things differently or have other suggestions, I would love to hear them. Alternatively, I would also be happy to answer any questions that you may have about our system and the way we make it work.
