It was requested in chat today that I post some of my previously written information on punishments. I have posted similar information in the Education section here but I thought I would also write out some more of my views on punishments etc.
Punishment vs. Funishment
First of all, I want to state that I take punishments very seriously, both as a Domme and a sub. I know that a lot of people like, what I call, funishments. This is the fantasy of being "punished" or in trouble and being subjected to something like spanking or corner time, but in reality the sub and dom both really enjoy those things and it gets them off or gives them pleasure in some way. In my dynamics, I don't use funishments.
Some of my likes as a sub might be considered traditional punishments. For example, I really love spanking. However, I don't want to pretend that I am in trouble, or try to get myself into trouble so that I can be spanked. I would much prefer to have my D type just spank me for fun.
As a sub, the worst thing about a punishment is knowing that I have disappointed my D type. If I was told that having an orgasm was a punishment, even thought it is something that I love, I would have a very hard time completing it because I know that I have let my person down. And I think that is the biggest difference between a punishment and funishment.
As a Domme, I can be rather sadistic at times. I subject my sub (and play partners) to pain and other "torture" because it pleases me and/or them. I don't consider this a punishment. They are suffering for my pleasure. Using the word punishment would indicate that they did something wrong to deserve that treatment. In reality it is the opposite. When they do this, I am so incredibly happy and proud.
Consequence vs. Punishment
I also think there is a difference between a consequence and a punishment.
I believe that if a rule is broken accidentally, or if a deadline is missed because of outside circumstances beyond the subs control, the sub should not receive a punishment. However, it may be appropriate for them to receive a consequence.
On the other hand, if a sub deliberately disobeys a rule or order for no other reason than "I didn't want to", that calls for a punishment.
I do have to admit that I am very strict as a Domme. If a casual play partner decided that they were just going to ignore my instructions without discussing it with me or using a safeword, I would be very likely to consider "releasing" them. This is not because I think they are a failure or a bad sub, but it is because my authority obviously means nothing to them.
Communication for me is the most important part of any relationship, and I am very fair. If my sub or casual play partner do not come to me to discuss their concerns and negotiate an alternative, or if they do not indicate that they cannot complete something by using their safeword, I expect them to at least attempt my orders. If they are then not able to complete it for whatever reason, we can discuss whether a consequence is fitting. I only ever expect my subs to try their best, they are not expected to be perfect.
For example, if a sub is in denial and has a wet dream, I am not going to punish them. This is something that they cannot control at all. Their body made that decision completely on its own. If that same sub was asked to complete 5 edges and they accidentally had an orgasm or ruined orgasm, then I would likely give a consequence as they should have been able to stop sooner, but they didn't do it on purpose. Lastly, if that sub said to themselves "fuck it, I want to cum" and then proceeded to do so, they would receive a severe punishment and/or the relationship would be terminated.
Choosing the right consequence/punishment
I believe that the consequence or punishment should fit the crime. I also believe that punishments are very personalized to each individual sub.
For me, as a sub, just knowing that I disappointed somebody that I care for is enough of a punishment. The actual act of a consequence or punishment isn't even needed. I beat myself up enough. However, completing a punishment can be cleansing. It serves as a penance so that I can complete the punishment and then wipe the slate clean and move on.
Consequences and punishments should not include things from a subs like list. They should be things that they do not enjoy doing. Choosing something painful for a sub who loves pain is not going to get the message across. However, it is also important to remember that punishments should still not cross limits. Limits are limits for a reason.
As a Domme, I don't enjoy giving punishment. As stated previously, I can be sadistic and I love seeing my sub suffer, but having to give my sub a consequence or punishment is not fun for me. Knowing that it is a punishment puts a damper on the task. Therefore I make sure to choose things that I don't particularly enjoy either.
For example, with Jaro, I love to make him do squats and hold them. I love watching his trembling legs, and hear him call out in pain. I know that he hates to do them, but he does them purely for my pleasure. I don't choose this as a punishment or consequence, instead I choose something like corner time or lines. Those things do nothing for me, and nothing for him so they work great.
I believe that when choosing a punishment, you should choose something that the sub can easily complete. Punishments and consequences are supposed to reinforce that the behavior is unwanted. Choosing something like a mantra that needs to be repeated while doing jumping jacks, or writing out lines, or maybe even sitting in a corner and reflecting on what they did are all good ways to get that message across. If you choose something that they might not be able to successfully complete, it is going to send the wrong message to the sub. Setting them up for failure is never ok in my books.
I feel that consequences related to the offence are most effective. For example, when Jaro missed a deadline for a task, I increased the difficulty of the task so it would take more of his time and then gave him a new deadline. Another example was a punishment that I received for saying naughty words during little time. I had to write 5 lines in crayon that said "I will not use naughty words". Both were very effective at delivering the right message without being overly harsh or unattainable.
I am also a believer that timing is really important when it comes to punishment. Some suspense or waiting period can be tactfully done to increase anticipation, but delaying the punishment or making it carry on for days or weeks can sometimes be harmful.
Communication and Aftercare
I don't think that consequences require as much aftercare, but it is still important to discuss the reasons behind the consequence. As I stated, as a sub, I immediately go to a bad place when I feel as though I fucked up. I start to think that I am a failure and that I am not worthy. Knowing that they fell short of the expectations you hold them to is important to a certain extent, but reassurance afterwards is very important.
I think that aftercare becomes really important after a severe punishment. Again, I feel like punishments can be cathartic as both parties can feel like it is wiping the slate clean. Communication around the offence, the punishment and the new expectations going forward are all very important.
The sub should completely understand what they did wrong. If they do not feel the punishment or consequence is warranted, it will never have the intended affect. It should be clearly explained what the offence was, and why they deserve a consequence or punishment.
When the punishment is over, a debriefing can be very helpful, especially if the sub is like me and goes to that negative head space. Some people believe that reassurance after a punishment is counterproductive. However, as both a sub and Domme, I feel as though when the punishment is complete, you can drop the "business like" attitude and embrace your sub (with words if not in person) and work on moving forward.
It is also very important to have an honest conversation about expectations going forward, and allowing your sub to share their feelings, thoughts and ask questions.
One last note
One last thing I wanted to mention kind of swings back around to the topic of funishments. If a sub is deliberately breaking rules or disobeying to earn punishments, this is a sign that communication needs to happen.
In my opinion this means that the sub either doesn't respect you or your authority or they are not being open about their needs and wants. If they want harsher tasks, if they want funishments, or to be challenged, etc. then this needs to be discussed and negotiated.
Baiting a Dom to punish you because you enjoy it is exhausting for both parties and neither will feel happy or fulfilled.
Punishment vs. Funishment
First of all, I want to state that I take punishments very seriously, both as a Domme and a sub. I know that a lot of people like, what I call, funishments. This is the fantasy of being "punished" or in trouble and being subjected to something like spanking or corner time, but in reality the sub and dom both really enjoy those things and it gets them off or gives them pleasure in some way. In my dynamics, I don't use funishments.
Some of my likes as a sub might be considered traditional punishments. For example, I really love spanking. However, I don't want to pretend that I am in trouble, or try to get myself into trouble so that I can be spanked. I would much prefer to have my D type just spank me for fun.
As a sub, the worst thing about a punishment is knowing that I have disappointed my D type. If I was told that having an orgasm was a punishment, even thought it is something that I love, I would have a very hard time completing it because I know that I have let my person down. And I think that is the biggest difference between a punishment and funishment.
As a Domme, I can be rather sadistic at times. I subject my sub (and play partners) to pain and other "torture" because it pleases me and/or them. I don't consider this a punishment. They are suffering for my pleasure. Using the word punishment would indicate that they did something wrong to deserve that treatment. In reality it is the opposite. When they do this, I am so incredibly happy and proud.
Consequence vs. Punishment
I also think there is a difference between a consequence and a punishment.
I believe that if a rule is broken accidentally, or if a deadline is missed because of outside circumstances beyond the subs control, the sub should not receive a punishment. However, it may be appropriate for them to receive a consequence.
On the other hand, if a sub deliberately disobeys a rule or order for no other reason than "I didn't want to", that calls for a punishment.
I do have to admit that I am very strict as a Domme. If a casual play partner decided that they were just going to ignore my instructions without discussing it with me or using a safeword, I would be very likely to consider "releasing" them. This is not because I think they are a failure or a bad sub, but it is because my authority obviously means nothing to them.
Communication for me is the most important part of any relationship, and I am very fair. If my sub or casual play partner do not come to me to discuss their concerns and negotiate an alternative, or if they do not indicate that they cannot complete something by using their safeword, I expect them to at least attempt my orders. If they are then not able to complete it for whatever reason, we can discuss whether a consequence is fitting. I only ever expect my subs to try their best, they are not expected to be perfect.
For example, if a sub is in denial and has a wet dream, I am not going to punish them. This is something that they cannot control at all. Their body made that decision completely on its own. If that same sub was asked to complete 5 edges and they accidentally had an orgasm or ruined orgasm, then I would likely give a consequence as they should have been able to stop sooner, but they didn't do it on purpose. Lastly, if that sub said to themselves "fuck it, I want to cum" and then proceeded to do so, they would receive a severe punishment and/or the relationship would be terminated.
Choosing the right consequence/punishment
I believe that the consequence or punishment should fit the crime. I also believe that punishments are very personalized to each individual sub.
For me, as a sub, just knowing that I disappointed somebody that I care for is enough of a punishment. The actual act of a consequence or punishment isn't even needed. I beat myself up enough. However, completing a punishment can be cleansing. It serves as a penance so that I can complete the punishment and then wipe the slate clean and move on.
Consequences and punishments should not include things from a subs like list. They should be things that they do not enjoy doing. Choosing something painful for a sub who loves pain is not going to get the message across. However, it is also important to remember that punishments should still not cross limits. Limits are limits for a reason.
As a Domme, I don't enjoy giving punishment. As stated previously, I can be sadistic and I love seeing my sub suffer, but having to give my sub a consequence or punishment is not fun for me. Knowing that it is a punishment puts a damper on the task. Therefore I make sure to choose things that I don't particularly enjoy either.
For example, with Jaro, I love to make him do squats and hold them. I love watching his trembling legs, and hear him call out in pain. I know that he hates to do them, but he does them purely for my pleasure. I don't choose this as a punishment or consequence, instead I choose something like corner time or lines. Those things do nothing for me, and nothing for him so they work great.
I believe that when choosing a punishment, you should choose something that the sub can easily complete. Punishments and consequences are supposed to reinforce that the behavior is unwanted. Choosing something like a mantra that needs to be repeated while doing jumping jacks, or writing out lines, or maybe even sitting in a corner and reflecting on what they did are all good ways to get that message across. If you choose something that they might not be able to successfully complete, it is going to send the wrong message to the sub. Setting them up for failure is never ok in my books.
I feel that consequences related to the offence are most effective. For example, when Jaro missed a deadline for a task, I increased the difficulty of the task so it would take more of his time and then gave him a new deadline. Another example was a punishment that I received for saying naughty words during little time. I had to write 5 lines in crayon that said "I will not use naughty words". Both were very effective at delivering the right message without being overly harsh or unattainable.
I am also a believer that timing is really important when it comes to punishment. Some suspense or waiting period can be tactfully done to increase anticipation, but delaying the punishment or making it carry on for days or weeks can sometimes be harmful.
Communication and Aftercare
I don't think that consequences require as much aftercare, but it is still important to discuss the reasons behind the consequence. As I stated, as a sub, I immediately go to a bad place when I feel as though I fucked up. I start to think that I am a failure and that I am not worthy. Knowing that they fell short of the expectations you hold them to is important to a certain extent, but reassurance afterwards is very important.
I think that aftercare becomes really important after a severe punishment. Again, I feel like punishments can be cathartic as both parties can feel like it is wiping the slate clean. Communication around the offence, the punishment and the new expectations going forward are all very important.
The sub should completely understand what they did wrong. If they do not feel the punishment or consequence is warranted, it will never have the intended affect. It should be clearly explained what the offence was, and why they deserve a consequence or punishment.
When the punishment is over, a debriefing can be very helpful, especially if the sub is like me and goes to that negative head space. Some people believe that reassurance after a punishment is counterproductive. However, as both a sub and Domme, I feel as though when the punishment is complete, you can drop the "business like" attitude and embrace your sub (with words if not in person) and work on moving forward.
It is also very important to have an honest conversation about expectations going forward, and allowing your sub to share their feelings, thoughts and ask questions.
One last note
One last thing I wanted to mention kind of swings back around to the topic of funishments. If a sub is deliberately breaking rules or disobeying to earn punishments, this is a sign that communication needs to happen.
In my opinion this means that the sub either doesn't respect you or your authority or they are not being open about their needs and wants. If they want harsher tasks, if they want funishments, or to be challenged, etc. then this needs to be discussed and negotiated.
Baiting a Dom to punish you because you enjoy it is exhausting for both parties and neither will feel happy or fulfilled.
