Let me say this louder for the people in the back: My. Dom. Is. Not. My. Keeper. (also, I don't actually have a Dom right now, but you know what I mean ...)
He is not my handler, my spokesperson, my accountability buddy. He is not the person you report me to like I’m some misbehaving child.
About ten years ago, I sent someone a friend request on (the other) kink forum. I admittedly had not spoken with this person, but I had seen them around and wanted to be friends. Just a quick click of a button, no weird messages etc.
Instead of ignoring it, declining it, or speaking to me… she went to my Dom. She told him I was rude. That I had no boundaries. That he needed to “teach me better.” That my behavior was somehow a reflection of him.
Excuse me?
That is absolute bullshit.
Yes, I’m submissive. Yes, I choose to give power in a consensual dynamic. But let’s get something straight: submission is not ownership of my humanity. I am still my own person. I make my own choices. I am responsible for my own actions.
If I mess up, that’s on me. If I cross a line, talk to me. If I offend you, address me. Do not outsource your discomfort to my Dom like he’s my manager at a customer service desk.
This isn't just a one off, it happens frequently and not just to me ...
A friend of mine recently dealt with something that made my skin crawl. Someone offended her in chat. She was hurt. Fair, valid, human. But instead of apologizing directly to her, he went to her Dom.
Why?
Why would you apologize to someone who wasn’t the one you hurt? What is that supposed to accomplish?
She decided she needed space. Normal. Healthy. Necessary.
So what did he do? He continued reaching out to her Dom, trying to get him to make her accept the apology. Trying to get him to make her talk to him.
Let that sink in.
That’s not accountability. That’s manipulation. That’s using a power dynamic you don’t belong to as a workaround for someone’s clearly stated boundary.
And it is not okay.
Somewhere along the line, people got it twisted. They started treating Doms like gatekeepers. like authority figures over every aspect of a submissive’s life, like they’re responsible for their behavior in public spaces.
No! (unless this is how you run your own individual dynamic)
That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.
Here’s a crazy idea: if you have a problem with me, speak to me. If you think I crossed a line, tell me. If you want to apologize, apologize to me.
And if I don’t accept it? If I need space? If I don’t want to engage? You respect that. You don’t go around me. You don’t escalate to my Dom. You don’t try to override my independance by appealing to someone else.
Being submissive does not make me voiceless. It does not make me incapable. It does not make me someone you can manage through a third party.
So let’s end this where we started: My Dom is my partner in a consensual dynamic. He is not my keeper. He is not my authority in your conflicts. He is not your shortcut to me.
If you want to deal with me - then deal with me.
He is not my handler, my spokesperson, my accountability buddy. He is not the person you report me to like I’m some misbehaving child.
About ten years ago, I sent someone a friend request on (the other) kink forum. I admittedly had not spoken with this person, but I had seen them around and wanted to be friends. Just a quick click of a button, no weird messages etc.
Instead of ignoring it, declining it, or speaking to me… she went to my Dom. She told him I was rude. That I had no boundaries. That he needed to “teach me better.” That my behavior was somehow a reflection of him.
Excuse me?
That is absolute bullshit.
Yes, I’m submissive. Yes, I choose to give power in a consensual dynamic. But let’s get something straight: submission is not ownership of my humanity. I am still my own person. I make my own choices. I am responsible for my own actions.
If I mess up, that’s on me. If I cross a line, talk to me. If I offend you, address me. Do not outsource your discomfort to my Dom like he’s my manager at a customer service desk.
This isn't just a one off, it happens frequently and not just to me ...
A friend of mine recently dealt with something that made my skin crawl. Someone offended her in chat. She was hurt. Fair, valid, human. But instead of apologizing directly to her, he went to her Dom.
Why?
Why would you apologize to someone who wasn’t the one you hurt? What is that supposed to accomplish?
She decided she needed space. Normal. Healthy. Necessary.
So what did he do? He continued reaching out to her Dom, trying to get him to make her accept the apology. Trying to get him to make her talk to him.
Let that sink in.
That’s not accountability. That’s manipulation. That’s using a power dynamic you don’t belong to as a workaround for someone’s clearly stated boundary.
And it is not okay.
Somewhere along the line, people got it twisted. They started treating Doms like gatekeepers. like authority figures over every aspect of a submissive’s life, like they’re responsible for their behavior in public spaces.
No! (unless this is how you run your own individual dynamic)
That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.
Here’s a crazy idea: if you have a problem with me, speak to me. If you think I crossed a line, tell me. If you want to apologize, apologize to me.
And if I don’t accept it? If I need space? If I don’t want to engage? You respect that. You don’t go around me. You don’t escalate to my Dom. You don’t try to override my independance by appealing to someone else.
Being submissive does not make me voiceless. It does not make me incapable. It does not make me someone you can manage through a third party.
So let’s end this where we started: My Dom is my partner in a consensual dynamic. He is not my keeper. He is not my authority in your conflicts. He is not your shortcut to me.
If you want to deal with me - then deal with me.
