Lets have a look at some misconceptions about kink!
Something that has had me roll my eyes a lot lately is the question "Is this normal?", in its various forms. What ergs me about it is not that it is a stupid question - it is not! I appreciate how kinksters of any experience level look at what they experience and be concerned, confused even. The answer to these questions is almost always a resounding "yes" with more or less words, completely missing a couple of points and that is what I want to share here.
First of all, I don't think there is a "normal" - there is no universal law that dictates how we all think and behave, what we like and who we like to do it with. I find it a misleading, derogatory term even. How are people to feel that differ from what you just claimed to be normal? Are we supposed to strive to all be this "normal"? I certainly do not think so. This is especially true in kink! Ask ten people and you get eleven answers as to what kink means to them, none of them being wrong.
So what is kink anyway, if there is no "normal" way to do it?
I have encountered that question numerous times, by kinksters and curious onlookers alike. There is certainly a lot of different aspects to it, what few words would do it justice? Some have suggested kink is about uncommon, or controversial sexual practices. This may be how the public sees us, and certainly how a lot of porn works, but it misses a very important fact: Not all kinksters like sex! Is it a matter of definition for what sex is? Perhaps. I like to offer a different point of view though: For me personally, when I engage in kinky activities, I usually do not feel sexual arousal, or pleasure. I have learned to clearly identify what happens when I am horny, or having an orgasm, or anything in between, and it is clearly distinct from how I feel when I live out some of my kinks - bondage for example. I feel pleasure, yes, but it is so much more than that. There is a sense of belonging, of comfort, I enter a state of trance that is far more floaty than anything I have ever experienced with what is usually considered sexual activity. Kink is not. It is about embracing sensual parts of the human experience, however that may make us feel, and exploring it with curiosity, caution, and consent.
So you enjoy walking in pouring rain? Doesn't arouse you but you still kind of like the way it makes you feel? Sounds like kink to me. Sounds mundane, but when you get down to it, any particular quirk that makes us feel a certain way is a kink.
What is the difference then to say spanking someone? Simple: Social norms. To hell with them.
With that out of the way, here are some misconceptions I find myself explaining frequently.
Kink is BDSM.
It is not. All BDSM practices - Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism - are considered kinky, but not the other way around. BDSM is a great keyword to look for, and there is a lot of material and institutional knowledge in the community that is a great help to guiding one's journey through kink. There is consent and safewords, playing paradigms, wisdom about the vetting process, and so on. All of this is valuable but not always relevant to every kink.
You have to be dominant or submissive.
Except you don't. I am not talking about switches: It is perfectly fine to ask someone to tenderize your back with a flogger. That does not make them dominant, that does not make you submissive. What does it make you? Top and bottom. Top is not dominant, and bottom is not submissive. Top is simply someone who "does things" to a bottom. That can be tying up, tenderizing, or even sexual acts - anything that involves two (or more) partners, chances are some are tops and some are bottoms in that activity.
Tops cannot be submissive, bottoms cannot dominate.
This is simply wrong. Although I can appreciate the difficulty understanding this - social conventions would have us believe that when you do something to your partner, that must mean you control them. In reality those are two independent axes - dom/sub and top/bottom. In fact, dominant bottoms are far more common than what many think - they just do not realize they are.
Dominance means power.
True, in a sense there is power involved, but what dominance really means is control, or rather the production of it, in the form of commands. Submission in turn is not about being powerless - it is about reducing agency. In most D/s dynamics there is no power gradient as the words "dominant" and "submissive" would imply, rather the submissive is actually imbued with the ultimate form of control: Safeword. At any point in time a submissive can end the dynamic.
Dominants lead the scene.
Just because it is the dominant's role to control and take on the submissive's agency does not mean they have the initiative. There is a third axis aside the dom/sub, top/bottom: I like to call it the active-reactive axis. A submissive may very well give off signals, or behave in a certain way (brats I am talking about you!) that has an influence on how the scene progresses.
Impact play makes you violent.
I address this one in particular, as the actuality is close to my heart. I have faced the argument that if you enjoy hitting someone, that makes you a violent person, or a danger to society. Not only is impact play different from violence - it is consensual, and in many cases enjoyed wholy by both parties - it can be deeply catahric. I find the opposite is closer to the truth: BDSM can help people achieve a form of inner peace that makes them less violent people in everyday life.
Kinks are mental disorders.
This is not always a misconception, but a demeaning attitude towards kink. Yes there are kinksters struggling with mental health, or living with a mental condition. Does that make it a disorder? No. A disorder is something that negatively affects you, a kink is just a circumstance - a way to make you experience something in funny ways.
Kinks are discovered.
While I myself claim that a few of my kinks have always been there (I call them primordial), there are absolutely some (many) that I have learned to enjoy over time. Let it be through traumatic events, or repeated exposure - we people evolve, change, adapt.
And last but not least: Kink is not for everyone.
Oh how I grin whenever someone gloats about not being kinky. I feel amusement and pity, for that just means they have not discovered or acquired any kink.
Something that has had me roll my eyes a lot lately is the question "Is this normal?", in its various forms. What ergs me about it is not that it is a stupid question - it is not! I appreciate how kinksters of any experience level look at what they experience and be concerned, confused even. The answer to these questions is almost always a resounding "yes" with more or less words, completely missing a couple of points and that is what I want to share here.
First of all, I don't think there is a "normal" - there is no universal law that dictates how we all think and behave, what we like and who we like to do it with. I find it a misleading, derogatory term even. How are people to feel that differ from what you just claimed to be normal? Are we supposed to strive to all be this "normal"? I certainly do not think so. This is especially true in kink! Ask ten people and you get eleven answers as to what kink means to them, none of them being wrong.
So what is kink anyway, if there is no "normal" way to do it?
I have encountered that question numerous times, by kinksters and curious onlookers alike. There is certainly a lot of different aspects to it, what few words would do it justice? Some have suggested kink is about uncommon, or controversial sexual practices. This may be how the public sees us, and certainly how a lot of porn works, but it misses a very important fact: Not all kinksters like sex! Is it a matter of definition for what sex is? Perhaps. I like to offer a different point of view though: For me personally, when I engage in kinky activities, I usually do not feel sexual arousal, or pleasure. I have learned to clearly identify what happens when I am horny, or having an orgasm, or anything in between, and it is clearly distinct from how I feel when I live out some of my kinks - bondage for example. I feel pleasure, yes, but it is so much more than that. There is a sense of belonging, of comfort, I enter a state of trance that is far more floaty than anything I have ever experienced with what is usually considered sexual activity. Kink is not. It is about embracing sensual parts of the human experience, however that may make us feel, and exploring it with curiosity, caution, and consent.
So you enjoy walking in pouring rain? Doesn't arouse you but you still kind of like the way it makes you feel? Sounds like kink to me. Sounds mundane, but when you get down to it, any particular quirk that makes us feel a certain way is a kink.
What is the difference then to say spanking someone? Simple: Social norms. To hell with them.
With that out of the way, here are some misconceptions I find myself explaining frequently.
Kink is BDSM.
It is not. All BDSM practices - Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism - are considered kinky, but not the other way around. BDSM is a great keyword to look for, and there is a lot of material and institutional knowledge in the community that is a great help to guiding one's journey through kink. There is consent and safewords, playing paradigms, wisdom about the vetting process, and so on. All of this is valuable but not always relevant to every kink.
You have to be dominant or submissive.
Except you don't. I am not talking about switches: It is perfectly fine to ask someone to tenderize your back with a flogger. That does not make them dominant, that does not make you submissive. What does it make you? Top and bottom. Top is not dominant, and bottom is not submissive. Top is simply someone who "does things" to a bottom. That can be tying up, tenderizing, or even sexual acts - anything that involves two (or more) partners, chances are some are tops and some are bottoms in that activity.
Tops cannot be submissive, bottoms cannot dominate.
This is simply wrong. Although I can appreciate the difficulty understanding this - social conventions would have us believe that when you do something to your partner, that must mean you control them. In reality those are two independent axes - dom/sub and top/bottom. In fact, dominant bottoms are far more common than what many think - they just do not realize they are.
Dominance means power.
True, in a sense there is power involved, but what dominance really means is control, or rather the production of it, in the form of commands. Submission in turn is not about being powerless - it is about reducing agency. In most D/s dynamics there is no power gradient as the words "dominant" and "submissive" would imply, rather the submissive is actually imbued with the ultimate form of control: Safeword. At any point in time a submissive can end the dynamic.
Dominants lead the scene.
Just because it is the dominant's role to control and take on the submissive's agency does not mean they have the initiative. There is a third axis aside the dom/sub, top/bottom: I like to call it the active-reactive axis. A submissive may very well give off signals, or behave in a certain way (brats I am talking about you!) that has an influence on how the scene progresses.
Impact play makes you violent.
I address this one in particular, as the actuality is close to my heart. I have faced the argument that if you enjoy hitting someone, that makes you a violent person, or a danger to society. Not only is impact play different from violence - it is consensual, and in many cases enjoyed wholy by both parties - it can be deeply catahric. I find the opposite is closer to the truth: BDSM can help people achieve a form of inner peace that makes them less violent people in everyday life.
Kinks are mental disorders.
This is not always a misconception, but a demeaning attitude towards kink. Yes there are kinksters struggling with mental health, or living with a mental condition. Does that make it a disorder? No. A disorder is something that negatively affects you, a kink is just a circumstance - a way to make you experience something in funny ways.
Kinks are discovered.
While I myself claim that a few of my kinks have always been there (I call them primordial), there are absolutely some (many) that I have learned to enjoy over time. Let it be through traumatic events, or repeated exposure - we people evolve, change, adapt.
And last but not least: Kink is not for everyone.
Oh how I grin whenever someone gloats about not being kinky. I feel amusement and pity, for that just means they have not discovered or acquired any kink.
