One of my love languages is receiving (and giving) gifts. I love finding small things that remind me of somebody I care for - flowers, a special treat, or even just a coffee. I love to put time and effort into making things for people I love - a scrapbook, a painting, cookies, etc. It makes me feel so good to make them feel loved and thought about. That is what I love about receiving gifts too. Knowing that somebody took time to go out of their way to do something nice for me. Knowing they thought of me while they were out in the world, doing their own thing. Knowing they spent resources (time, energy, money, etc.) in order to treat me. That is so freaking special to me.
However ... that is where it gets complicated. So often, I don't feel worthy of that time, effort or resources. I struggle with receiving gifts, being spoiled. If I go on a date, I will fight to be allowed to pay. I tell people they aren't allowed to give me gifts. I hide when people actually do nice things for me. I put up a wall. It's something I want, crave, need, but I push so hard against it.
I think it comes down to the fact that I struggle with letting people love me. I spent much of my childhood being told I am unlovable. I have been told I am ugly, fat, selfish, worthless, bad, a failure, damaged, overly sensitive, too much ... Because of these things, I was told that I will never find love. I don't deserve love. I can't be loved. In many of my past relationships, this has been reinforced through actions.
And so I built a wall.
I have worked really hard to let certain people in, to let them love me.
Jaro is allowed to spoil me with gifts a few times a year, and I don't even argue with him anymore! That is progress.
But what I really want, is to be loved.
I want to be spoiled with love - the kind that doesn't have to be bought.
I want to be wanted. I want to be desired. Desired in that genuine way where somebody chooses me not out of convenience, but out of pure, undeniable pull!
I want somebody to miss me so much that they can't handle not talking to me. Somebody who notices my absence, who can't stop thinking about me when I am not there.
I want to be spoiled with attention. Not the overwhelming kind, not the clingy kind, but the intentional kind. I want to be seen, cared for. I want somebody to choose me. Intentionally put the time and effort into choosing me.
I want to be needed. Not because I do your laundry, or help get you off, but because your life feels fuller with me in it.
I don't need extravagance.
I want effort.
I want connection.
I want to be spoiled.
Spoiling isn't about big gifts, or grand gestures, it's about being cherished, adored and chosen.
I want to be spoiled.
However ... that is where it gets complicated. So often, I don't feel worthy of that time, effort or resources. I struggle with receiving gifts, being spoiled. If I go on a date, I will fight to be allowed to pay. I tell people they aren't allowed to give me gifts. I hide when people actually do nice things for me. I put up a wall. It's something I want, crave, need, but I push so hard against it.
I think it comes down to the fact that I struggle with letting people love me. I spent much of my childhood being told I am unlovable. I have been told I am ugly, fat, selfish, worthless, bad, a failure, damaged, overly sensitive, too much ... Because of these things, I was told that I will never find love. I don't deserve love. I can't be loved. In many of my past relationships, this has been reinforced through actions.
And so I built a wall.
I have worked really hard to let certain people in, to let them love me.
Jaro is allowed to spoil me with gifts a few times a year, and I don't even argue with him anymore! That is progress.
But what I really want, is to be loved.
I want to be spoiled with love - the kind that doesn't have to be bought.
I want to be wanted. I want to be desired. Desired in that genuine way where somebody chooses me not out of convenience, but out of pure, undeniable pull!
I want somebody to miss me so much that they can't handle not talking to me. Somebody who notices my absence, who can't stop thinking about me when I am not there.
I want to be spoiled with attention. Not the overwhelming kind, not the clingy kind, but the intentional kind. I want to be seen, cared for. I want somebody to choose me. Intentionally put the time and effort into choosing me.
I want to be needed. Not because I do your laundry, or help get you off, but because your life feels fuller with me in it.
I don't need extravagance.
I want effort.
I want connection.
I want to be spoiled.
Spoiling isn't about big gifts, or grand gestures, it's about being cherished, adored and chosen.
I want to be spoiled.
I think you’ve made huge progress and that’s not something to minimise. It’s a really hard thing to accept the vulnerability that comes with being open to love especially when self esteem has taken so many hits over such a long time and especially in childhood.