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I have sinned

I haven't always been a great sub. I don't even know if I'm a great sub now, but I'm trying to be better.
I have started online play sessions, and ghosted once I climaxed. I have asked for tasks and then
ignored them when they weren't exactly what I wanted. I have lied about doing tasks when in reality
I just masturbated to the thought of doing them. I have pretended to seek servitude when I was just
after my own pleasure.

I was selfish and lazy in my kinky endeavors, and this is the first time I have publicly admitted it.
There are reasons I could give for this, excuses, but they don't change the facts. In all honesty,
I don't even know why I'm typing this. Maybe to close the chapter, start a new one...

Because I don't want to be selfish anymore. I want my kink to be a shared journey. I want connections
based on honesty. I want to push myself, and to find someone who wants to push with me. And if I
falter, I want to admit it, say I'm failing, say 'maybe tomorrow'. Admit when I get momentarily tired of
trying, and still be found worthy of love.
 
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I think a lot of people fall into these cycles when it comes to online play it can be hard at times to really have your heart in it. It's one of the reasonss I don't do much online play it's hard for me to get into a actual submissive mindset online. I do wish you the best of luck.

You will always be found worthy of love. Our struggles is what defines us and you just need to find the right partner that you can be open with and one that will work with you.
 
One thing to remember...we are Human, no matter our best efforts we can make mistakes, become overwhelmed and neglect responsibility.

Finding an ideal partner who meets your needs (As well as you try to meet theirs) it not so easy, that's why I follow these ideas:
1. Begin lightly with someone new, take time to get to know them a bit, engage in light play to get a feel for your compatibility, even in light play you can see how well you fit together, and it's good to work out early on if you will be a good fit!
2. Be honest in your communication, ensure people know what you like and they can give you better dares, let them know if you are busy or overwhelmed and they can know you aren't as available for play or larger tasks
3. If you don't feel things will work out it's best to leave early before any emotional connection takes hold or keep things light for casual play if you at least enjoy their company, but refer to point 2 and keep things honest :)
 
I think not being owned makes submissive people lack that sense of accountability, you can hardly feel accountable towards strangers with no connection, tho I don't relate because I was owned since my day 1 on a kink community, and it's been carved in my mind that kink play online requires honesty and so on, so then even once I was free again that accountability stayed with me, although it's still never the same when you compare owned VS unowned, you need to be fully in that sub role to feel the extent of how committed you can be, you need someone that makes it count.
 
I have to admit that before I found the right partner, I really wasn't looking for real play. For me, the thoughts of tasks and rules was really just something that I wanted to fantasize about. And I did. I have to say that I didn't really ghost people as much, but I did lie about the tasks that I was doing. Writing out the fantasy of what I did was also hot for me.

I think that is why I have a lot of understanding for people who come on here and pretend to be something they aren't. It doesn't make them bad, but they just might be here for different things than I am.

I am here now for genuine connections, genuine play and fun. I would much rather be me.

When I found the right partner, actually allowing myself to try the things we talked about was so amazing. The difference I think came from realistic expectations. So many times I was given orders or tasks to do things that were extreme, or that felt impossible. I didn't correct the person, just listening blindly and pretended to complete the task the way they ordered. When I had a partner who was willing to start small, listen, adjust, and work with me, that is when things change.

You are human. Don't be too hard on yourself!
 
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