Grace period

[Anonymous (4d7e)]

When you are playing with a new partner, how much grace do you give them when it comes to remembering your limits?

For example, if they ask you to spank you thigh but that is a limit, you safeword and remind them. Do you expect them to remember now? What if it's asked of you again?

 

[The Brat Princess]

This is a tough question that I dont think has a straight orward easy answer. But here is my opininon. When staarting with a new partner there is a lot to learn it is true, more than just prefrances and kinks. But that said I feel that the question you asked isn't the most accurate way to ask. What I mean is that it is less about the amount of time than it is about other factors, Do you feel safe with them? Do they listen to the things you say in the moment? How do they respond to your use of a safe word and reminder that it is a limit? The reason I say this is because it is genuinely possible they hounestly forgot and it was a go to task for someone previous and so still comes to mind easily. That dousent excuse it of course, care should always be taken to stay within someones boundries. But it can happen. But the factor that is most important is, was it genuinely forgetting or delibrate attempt to get you to do it anyway? Obviously you cant know this for sure. But their reactions to other things can give you an idea.

If it is someone who listens in the moment and there are no other issues, and you feel safe with them. Maybe it is worth giving the time, but also make sure there is somewhere they can check your prefrances. (This is something I tend to keep a list of myself to refrance if needed and is a great idea). At any rate, If this is someone you want to keep playn with, I would suggest having a discussion about it and expressing the way you are feeling, communication is never a bad thing.

 

[Anonymous (fdf6)]

A lot and none whatsoever - it depends.
Soft limits:
With new partners I do not engage in any play that would come close to my limits, feeling each other out if you will. These first sessions are less about having fun together and more about finding out how we connect.
With every new partner my limits are very low so I can see if they are willing and able to accommodate them. When they exceed these limits I know I can take it well enough to have a meaningful discussion about it - it is not traumatizing me or anything.
In a way I expect my partners to touch and perhaps even go over my limits at that point, I consider it part of the vetting process. I can not trust someone who never makes mistakes, but someone who is conscious about them and willing to improve, putting in the effort really shows me they are not hiding ill intent or masking their inexperience. It is better to build that trust and experience with lowered limits because when things get real you need to know not just that they do their very best to stay within limits, but also act responsibly if they were breached unintentionally.

Hard limits:
There is no grace period. Hard limits are forms of play, techniques, and mindsets that I simply will not tolerate. I communicate all of them clearly and also tell my potential partners they must negotiate everything they want to do, and never assume anything is okay.
I do the same as for soft limits - with new partners some things are hard limits that will be okay later on.

 

[Anonymous (5f99)]

I'll try to forgive but I will be mad and turned off, I expect my limits to be respected.

 

[Anonymous (d3a4)]

Mistakes can happen, especially if someone is keeping track of multiple play partners. I will however share an experience that set the bar for me personally.

I didn't have many friends in high school, but there was one good one. One person who genuinely wanted to hang out with me, invited me over to his house, got me into metal music, got me into video games... good guy. One thing he did with all his friends was sometimes punch their shoulder, not to hurt, just in that typical bro-y kinda way like "yo, nice going, that was a cool thing you did". No malice intended.

Now, I was a major pussy, skinny underfed tiny kid. His punches hurt me, and I found them annoying. So one day I asked him to stop. Here is how I know he was a real friend who genuinely cared, he just said "aight" and stopped doing it to me. He never treated me differently, didn't mock me, he just stopped shoulderpunching me. I literally never had to tell him a second time, he never did it again in all the years we hung out afterwards.

So for what it's worth, my personal ideal standard is once. I should have to tell someone once. But as I said, mistakes happen. It's a matter of how many mistakes and what magnitude of mistake you are willing to forgive to keep this person in your life. And that is something we can't really answer for you. We can only say you need to have a limit. Your feelings matter, and you deserve to have them respected by the people you interact with. Do not feel like a bad person for cutting inconsiderate people out of your life, if and when you feel underappreciated.

 

[Masterfulsensation]

I think those above have covered it pretty well. I’d just add, the lighter, generally speaking, the limit is, the more likely it’s just genuinely slipped the Doms mind. I’ve done that myself when someone has something fairly harmless as a limit, body writing springs to mind personally. So if it’s something on the lighter end of things what’s much more important is their reaction when you remind them or safeword. If they’re immediately apologetic and it seems genuine, ask them to please try harder to remember and continue if you’re happy to. On the other hand, if it was any kind of harsher kink and/or they don’t react well when reminded, I’d really pause and have a good think about things.

 

[Anonymous (4d7e)]

I am going to give a little bit more information since I do think that it might help a bit.

One of my limits is being called derogatory names. This person has a copy of my limits and we discussed how I do not want to be called a slut, whore, selfish, fat, etc. But cute pet names are totally ok.

However, twice during play he has referred to me as a slut.

I understand that it is something that comes naturally to some people, and it might take some time to break the habit, but I also feel like if it is something that they *need* for a partner, maybe we aren't the right fit.

And if it was asking me to put a finger in my ass, then I could easily say "no, that is a limit" but I am not really getting a chance to say no when they are actively calling me a name and by the time I safeword, the damage is already done.

Does that make a difference? I don't know.

I think I will go with three strikes you're out.

 

[Masterfulsensation]

Yeah that does help, I’m still guessing but it does make it sound like they want to be thinking of their sub is being slutty for them. To me that seems pretty easy to get right, but then I don’t naturally use those names, I’d have to be thinking about it to include them. I would really think once it’s happened once, caused a problem and upset you, it realllly should be stuck in their mind afterwards, so if it happens a second separate time it leaves them at best being careless and insensitive.

 

[Anonymous (4d7e)]

Yeah that does help, I’m still guessing but it does make it sound like they want to be thinking of their sub is being slutty for them. To me that seems pretty easy to get right, but then I don’t naturally use those names, I’d have to be thinking about it to include them. I would really think once it’s happened once, caused a problem and upset you, it realllly should be stuck in their mind afterwards, so if it happens a second separate time it leaves them at best being careless and insensitive.

Yes, it has happened two separate days, about 24 hours apart.

 

[Pluky]

I am going to give a little bit more information since I do think that it might help a bit.

One of my limits is being called derogatory names. This person has a copy of my limits and we discussed how I do not want to be called a slut, whore, selfish, fat, etc. But cute pet names are totally ok.

However, twice during play he has referred to me as a slut.

I understand that it is something that comes naturally to some people, and it might take some time to break the habit, but I also feel like if it is something that they *need* for a partner, maybe we aren't the right fit.

And if it was asking me to put a finger in my ass, then I could easily say "no, that is a limit" but I am not really getting a chance to say no when they are actively calling me a name and by the time I safeword, the damage is already done.

Does that make a difference? I don't know.

I think I will go with three strikes you're out.

They seem dismissive at best and breaking limits on purpose at worse, ok I might be the worse person to ask for this, I don't just get it, if you told me not to call you that you wouldn't have to say it twice.

 

[The Brat Princess]

I would say this is not an acceptable thing to do if it has hapened twice in 24hrs, Not everyone has the best memory and there is the posibility that it is not delibrate, but if it is not delibrate that close together and not delibrate then it is certainly neglet of duty of care. You are within your rights to set anything as a limit and have it respected. If it is being repeatedy broken that fast that isnt good.