Wild Ramblings of Consent and Models of Consent

Consent is an important part of everything we do with kink. So important in fact that it is the one thing that separates kink from abuse. But consent is a wily little devil. What do I mean by this? Well I myself have experienced a bad relationship where I agreed to things I didn't want solely because the alternative (mentioned at the time or not was worse. It didn't need mentioning most times, as it was always the same sorts of things.) So the appearance would be there was consent. However many would agree that it was not, as would laws of most countries. It would be termed coerced consent, because there was a threat applied to refusal. So if consent can be coerced can we ever be sure it is truly consent?

Well, kink has an answer to that, three actually (that I know of.) S.S.C, R.A.C.K and P.R.I.C.K all different models of consent.

S.S.C (or Safe Sane Consensual) Well its in the name, be safe, be sane and get consent.

R.A.C.K (or Risk Aware Consensual Kink) A bit more involved, aimed at learning the risks of the kinks you engage in before consenting to them. Which is a sensible step with any kink as most have some type of risk in some ways.

P.R.I.C.K (or Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink) Which is similar but emphasizing the responsibility not just knowing the risks, but the potential of things going wrong. The defining factor between R.A.C.K and this is not just being aware of the risk, but accepting responsibility (With the obvious exclusion of consent violation) which means that every one involved shoulders equal responsibility for knowing and accepting both the risks and potential of accident and resulting damage. Which can be beneficial in not just laying it all at the dominants feet.

So what douse this mean for consent? Well, it means a lot of people in our community have thought highly on how to create the best model for consent that reduces the most harm and prevents the blaming for accidents on one sole person. I think that is a good thing, I think there is always room for us to improve and where we can we should. (Though over complication can bean issue, I don't think we are there yet.) So why am I blogging about this? Well, for each new model it seems to focus on the risk side, which by all means is a side that is important to view. But the consent side, usually it is the same model, enthusiastic consent. Something about that irks me, always has. I don't think enthusiastic consent is a bad thing, it is the most clear consent possible. Also I can't deny that it is a wonderfully amazing feeling to suggest something and hear the breath catch, see the effect of the pulse quicken and watch the excitement at pure suggestion spikes in a partner, it is a moment that makes my breath catch just as much. Enthusiastic consent is beautiful.

However, as an asexual person. I have just never gotten anything from sexual contact. It douse not disgust me, but neither douse it excite me. I am purely indifferent to it, so under the right circumstance with the right person. Sure I could go there, but I would never be enthusiastic. Sure I will enjoy said partner enjoying it, but for me. I still wont get anything out of it. So wont be enthusiastic. As a result by everyone of the models it shouldn't go ahead, because it wasn't enthusiastic, but it wasn't coerced either. I know what that feels like. It was consent based on knowing what I am consenting to, but also knowing the only satisfaction I will get is that my partner has some. I don't see a problem with that happening. Obviously these models are guides to follow and we each will follow them differently, but I do think that the models of consent bare some thought, as my example is just one of another. Non enthusiastic but freely given consent is not the only pitfall, there is also the trap of implied consent. Both submissive and dominants can fall into this one when in a TPE or PPE dynamic. Because of the dynamic there can be an assumption of implied consent as the dominant and from the submissive side an assumption that the consent is already given. But consent is always an ongoing thing and it is always good to reaffirm that consent.

So I don't know that I have a perfect answer here. I am not sure there is one. I just know for me, ensuring that consent is always freely given without any incentive or punitive connection and that it is regularly reaffirmed is a practice I want to follow. Is it perfect, probably not. It is still possible I miss something important. But it is the best I can think of to cover all the basses that consent stays forefront to everything. But I am also not saying other approaches are inherently bad. The only bad approaches are the ones that break someone's consent.

I would be very interested to hear other opinions and views on consent. We all see things so much differently, but consent is important to us all. And I truly am interested how others approach this.

 

[Butterfly]

So my understanding of enthusiastic consent is that it doesn't have to mean over-the-top excitement, but rather, it requires a clear, positive, active "yes!". It shows genuine desire (even if that desire is to do something for your partners pleasure), comfort and engagement. Enthusiastic consent is not just the absence of "no" or reluctant compliance. The person needs to feel not pressured or manipulated or just going along with it for the sake of doing it.

I can totally understand where you are coming from, but I do think that even in your case, it could be considered "enthusiastic" consent.

 

[The Brat Princess]

So my understanding of enthusiastic consent is that it doesn't have to mean over-the-top excitement, but rather, it requires a clear, positive, active "yes!". It shows genuine desire (even if that desire is to do something for your partners pleasure), comfort and engagement. Enthusiastic consent is not just the absence of "no" or reluctant compliance. The person needs to feel not pressured or manipulated or just going along with it for the sake of doing it.

I can totally understand where you are coming from, but I do think that even in your case, it could be considered "enthusiastic" consent.

By that definition. Yes, I can agree. Every time I have heard it, it has been. But like I myself rambled, we each work with what we have. In my case I guess it could be considered that. I even realized after I posted that I entirely missed the F.R.I.E.S model I need a good sleep soon, clear my head. But thank you Butterfly. That helps

 

[nastyfkr]

I would be very interested to hear other opinions and views on consent. We all see things so much differently, but consent is important to us all. And I truly am interested how others approach this.

My two cents worth. Don't get too bogged down with definitions and categories, what really matters is you understand your version and as long as your partners are on the same page that's all that matters.

In my experience the issues with consent mostly come early in a relationship, there will always be some misunderstandings but if you're receptive and observant they should get ironed out soon enough. That's not to say it's something you can ignore from then on, of course you always need to be vigilant and careful especially when new things are introduced but sometimes, out of the blue a previously "safe" activity turns to shit.

I had this recently with a long term play partner. Part way through a session I was about start using needles when I noticed she was not smiling, had gone pale and was breathing hard. This is something we've done dozens of times without any problem so I knew immediately something wasn't right. I asked her if she needed a break, she looked at me, shook her head but then said, "what's my safeword again?" That was the end of that, I wrapped her in a blanket, took her to the couch and cuddled her on my chest while she was quietly sobbing.
I let her cry it out just stroking her hair, after a few minutes she started apologizing over and over and wanting to carry on. I deflected this and told her not to worry about it, we would go have something to eat because it was late.

At dinner she cheered right up, was smiling again and said she didn't know why but she had just panicked. She said she had no idea why but suddenly she had had this feeling of dread and fear. As she talked more it turned out she'd had a bad nights sleep, work had been awful and it became apparent what she really needed that evening was a relaxing bath and a night watching movies. But her devotion to being a perfect sub for me made her push herself into something she really didn't want.

She had managed to fool me with what I believed was her usual enthusiastic consent while in fact she was a wreck. What salvaged this was the fact that I knew her well enough to see her reaction as something way out the ordinary. I had missed the subtle clues about her real mood but had managed to halt things just in time.

This experience gave me a jolt, after more than 30 years in the kink world I'm still learning. And after almost 4 years with this amazing lady I still have to pay closer attention. When it comes to consent in a d/s relationship nothing beats really knowing each other.

 

[The Brat Princess]

My two cents worth. Don't get too bogged down with definitions and categories, what really matters is you understand your version and as long as your partners are on the same page that's all that matters.

In my experience the issues with consent mostly come early in a relationship, there will always be some misunderstandings but if you're receptive and observant they should get ironed out soon enough. That's not to say it's something you can ignore from then on, of course you always need to be vigilant and careful especially when new things are introduced but sometimes, out of the blue a previously "safe" activity turns to shit.

I had this recently with a long term play partner. Part way through a session I was about start using needles when I noticed she was not smiling, had gone pale and was breathing hard. This is something we've done dozens of times without any problem so I knew immediately something wasn't right. I asked her if she needed a break, she looked at me, shook her head but then said, "what's my safeword again?" That was the end of that, I wrapped her in a blanket, took her to the couch and cuddled her on my chest while she was quietly sobbing.
I let her cry it out just stroking her hair, after a few minutes she started apologizing over and over and wanting to carry on. I deflected this and told her not to worry about it, we would go have something to eat because it was late.

At dinner she cheered right up, was smiling again and said she didn't know why but she had just panicked. She said she had no idea why but suddenly she had had this feeling of dread and fear. As she talked more it turned out she'd had a bad nights sleep, work had been awful and it became apparent what she really needed that evening was a relaxing bath and a night watching movies. But her devotion to being a perfect sub for me made her push herself into something she really didn't want.

She had managed to fool me with what I believed was her usual enthusiastic consent while in fact she was a wreck. What salvaged this was the fact that I knew her well enough to see her reaction as something way out the ordinary. I had missed the subtle clues about her real mood but had managed to halt things just in time.

This experience gave me a jolt, after more than 30 years in the kink world I'm still learning. And after almost 4 years with this amazing lady I still have to pay closer attention. When it comes to consent in a d/s relationship nothing beats really knowing each other.

Thank you for such a detailed response. I am sure that was quite a emotional time. I am glad that things were resolved for you both so quickly and safely. In honesty I don't fret massively about it, it weighs on me anytime I move to a dominant role. But I do all I can to ensure consent at all times also. I do think the topic merits some discussion for that reason. A miss of something small can quickly become something big. The bounds we form can run so deep that it becomes complex. But I am not stressed about consent, it is just something that is always on my mind when in play and found myself tiered and rambling but I am glad of your view and experience. Thank you.