I have been on the search for a Dom partner for a long while now. I have had some success but nothing that has lasted too long. I have found that my patience has worn thin for certain things. Let's call it my "Searching for a Dom Pet Peeves" ...
1. Grammar/Spelling
I think I am a Grammar/Spelling snob. For some reason I just can't take somebody seriously who can't take the time to spell out "you" instead of "u". Of course I am not completely unreasonable. We all make mistakes, we will use some text speak - lol, omg, etc. but if you can't capitalize the letter "I" or you resort to using numbers instead of words, I just can't.
2. Insisting on Kik
We all have our preferences when it comes to which messenger we prefer to use. Mine is typically Discord. The reason I like it specifically is because I can easily go between mobile and PC. Not only does this allow me to give more in depth answers (so much easier to type long responses with a real keyboard!) but it also makes me more available. I work from home which gives me a lot of freedom and privacy, but most of my work is done from my computer. I can't have my phone in my hand at all times. So having an app that I can open in a browser is essential. And this connection and time is important to me.
Kik just sucks! It has never been great, but it is even worse now that it almost shut down and was saved by another company taking over. There are so many ads, its glitchy, and it is not PC friendly. I don't mind starting on Kik, but when somebody insists on using only Kik, I won't argue. I just give up.
3. Insisting on Snapchat
I am too old to use snapchat for chatting. I really don't have a lot more to say about this one haha.
4. Insisting on another messenger app
I like to try and be flexible with new potential partners. I share my limits and explain that I don't have a lot of things that will stay as hard limits with the right person. I explain that although I am a busy person, I make time for my partners when I can, and that I can be flexible in timing with a bit of notice. And I have about 6 different chat apps available to me to use to get to know somebody. However, the trouble comes when they want me to download a new messenger app and create a new account. It isn't that I am not open to it, but I talk to at least 20 potential Doms a week. I really don't want to create a new way to chat each time I talk to somebody new. So when somebody insists on one specific app that I don't already have, and they are not willing to be a bit flexible until we see if something works, then I get pretty frustrated. I feel like it is a preview into how the relationship will go, and I don't like what I see.
5. Non consensual dick pics
I know, I know! Us girls complain about this all the time! I enjoy sharing photos of myself too (once trust is established), I want to win them over with my gorgeous nipples and voluptuous booty, but I always ask first. You know why? Because consent is important! A dick pic does nothing for me honestly. The only time a dick pic is enticing, is when I have formed a connection with the mind that is attached to that dick. So sending random ones without asking is not only pointless, but it also shows me that they aren't very good at thinking about others. Am I at work? Is a minor near me? A simple heads up with any kind of nude is good for those reasons.
6. Asking for nudes
Asking is good. At least we are going in the right direction. However, I have it listed in my soft limits that pictures won't be sent until trust is established. That being said, I have photos posted on imgur and linked in my reddit ad, and my Fetlife and Kinky Wonderland accounts both have at least 50+ kinky/sexy photos. So it really frustrates me when they want more. I really get angry when they aren't asked for, and instead demanded.
7. Wanting me to Domme them
I deliberately don't advertise that I am a Domme or Switch. I will let a potential partner know once we have a conversation that I have sub partners, but if I mention it in my ad, it is all too common for male subs or switches to message me and instead of them wanting to Dom me, they want me to be their Domme. Some will come right out and say it, while others will start to ask questions about my relationship with my subs and increase their insistence on details - using them to get off. And if I mention that we won't be a good fit, they come right out and ask me to Domme them instead.
8. Assuming control
My submission is a gift. It is something that I choose to give to very select people. It is not something that I give lightly. I don't enter into play very easily with potential Doms. I like to have discussions about safewords, limits, expectations, punishments, etc. before I take orders. I make this very clear to my potential partners when we first start talking. I want to go slow and build something magical together. So when they enter into a conversation with me and try to take control of me immediately or give me orders right away ... it does not go over well.
9. Name calling/pet names/titles
Name calling is a huge limit for me. Of course, it isn't mentioned in all of my ads, and so I am pretty lenient with those who say something like: "I want a slut to dress up for me". I will point out my limits and have a discussion about the history behind it. However, if somebody starts a conversation by calling me a slut, whore or bitch, or they start to refer to me as their/a slave, my defenses go up. Don't even get me started on those who start to refer to themselves as "daddy" or "master" without us negotiating that.
10. Having no patience
When I post an ad on reddit or Fetlife, I always plan the timing knowing that I get an influx of responses right at the beginning. But when I get those responses, they aren't the only response I get. I get 10-15 immediately and have to sort through and see who may be worth chatting to more. When responses trickle in outside of that original time period, a lot of the time I am at work or working or even doing housework. Most times I am dividing my time between them and doing something else. So if it takes me a few minutes to get back to them, I think that it is pretty reasonable. But there are those who expect my undivided attention and if I don't respond immediately, they get pissed off.
Again, this is an indication that the relationship is not going to work. While I always make time for my partners, there are few times where I will have undivided attention for them. There is always a possibility that we will be interrupted by work, family, friends, other partners or even the pasta cats. And if they don't understand that real life happens, they are living in a fantasy world.
11. No introduction
My ads are thorough. Even the short ones are probably considered long winded. I also have provided a lot of information on my profiles, in my blogs, etc. So when somebody responds to my ad directly, or messages me on kik and their only words are "Hey" or "I read your ad", I don't know what to say. I usually ask how we know each other, and will get a bit of information from them. But it shouldn't be like pulling teeth to get the basic info from them. How hard is it to introduce yourself!
12. "Daughter" play
This one just makes me feel icky. I am a little. This can sometimes get confused for age play which I am not into at all. I know some are into it, and that is totally ok. As long as you aren't hurting others, or doing something illegal, I say enjoy your kinks to the fullest. But no where in my ad do I have it written that I am interested in incest play. That is a dark and twisted rabbit hole that I don't want to go down.
13. Ghosting
Rejection is to be expected. Sometimes I am rejected because I am poly, others it is because I identify as a brat, or little, or they find out I am a switch. Sometimes it is physical attraction. Even though I am a lovely person, there are many reasons that somebody might not think we mesh well. That's ok. I understand. However, the one that sucks, is when somebody just poofs. Especially if a conversation gets past the initial phases. All the important information has been exchanged, they have seen what I look like, they seem happy to continue a conversation, and then poof. Gone. Lost to the abyss. GRRRRRR! The worst part is, we have probably already had a conversation about how ghosting sucks, and it has happened to us both before. We bond over the frustration and vow to not do that to each other because we know it sucks. And yet ....
14. Rejection - Being Mean
Speaking of rejection. If somebody tells me that we aren't compatible for any reason, then cool. I thank them for letting me know and wish them good luck in their search. I am not going to try and convince them otherwise. However, a lot of the time, when I am letting somebody else know that we are not a good match for whatever reason, they turn mean. I will be called names, or insulted in different ways. It is just not called for.
15. Accusing me of cheating
When I tell people that I am poly, people can have a few different reactions. Lots of people have questions and I love to share about my experiences. However, some people just automatically accuse me of cheating. They have no interest in hearing about my experiences, how we do poly, my communication and boundaries with my partners, they just automatically tell me I am a cheater. If poly isn't for you, no problem, but leave me to conduct my relationships the way I choose to.
16. "Discreet"
If somebody says they want to be "discreet", that is code word for cheating. I work hard to make my poly relationships work. It takes a lot of communication, trust and transparency. I am not going to condone you cheating on your spouse. Keeping your life private for safety reasons etc. is totally reasonable. But the word "discreet" is just a huge red flag for me.
17. Advertising that you are "hung"
This is another one that just automatically makes me cringe. If you are leading with the fact that you are "hung", it probably means you aren't .... but also, why do I need to know that? I don't care what your dick looks like, what size it is, or how you use it. I want to get to know you as a person first.
I am sure there are more, but this was what came to mind at this time. One of these things on their own is nothing much. Its easy to brush it off and get back on track. However, when there are a couple of these pet peeves in one interaction, or if I have a couple of frustrating interactions in a day, it can just leave a bad taste in my mouth. My defenses go up and it makes it impossible to be subby and allow the person to get to know me.
I really am a lovely person. I have standards but I don't think they are crazy high or unattainable. Most of these things should be common sense, at least I think so. So why do they happen so often?
1. Grammar/Spelling
I think I am a Grammar/Spelling snob. For some reason I just can't take somebody seriously who can't take the time to spell out "you" instead of "u". Of course I am not completely unreasonable. We all make mistakes, we will use some text speak - lol, omg, etc. but if you can't capitalize the letter "I" or you resort to using numbers instead of words, I just can't.
2. Insisting on Kik
We all have our preferences when it comes to which messenger we prefer to use. Mine is typically Discord. The reason I like it specifically is because I can easily go between mobile and PC. Not only does this allow me to give more in depth answers (so much easier to type long responses with a real keyboard!) but it also makes me more available. I work from home which gives me a lot of freedom and privacy, but most of my work is done from my computer. I can't have my phone in my hand at all times. So having an app that I can open in a browser is essential. And this connection and time is important to me.
Kik just sucks! It has never been great, but it is even worse now that it almost shut down and was saved by another company taking over. There are so many ads, its glitchy, and it is not PC friendly. I don't mind starting on Kik, but when somebody insists on using only Kik, I won't argue. I just give up.
3. Insisting on Snapchat
I am too old to use snapchat for chatting. I really don't have a lot more to say about this one haha.
4. Insisting on another messenger app
I like to try and be flexible with new potential partners. I share my limits and explain that I don't have a lot of things that will stay as hard limits with the right person. I explain that although I am a busy person, I make time for my partners when I can, and that I can be flexible in timing with a bit of notice. And I have about 6 different chat apps available to me to use to get to know somebody. However, the trouble comes when they want me to download a new messenger app and create a new account. It isn't that I am not open to it, but I talk to at least 20 potential Doms a week. I really don't want to create a new way to chat each time I talk to somebody new. So when somebody insists on one specific app that I don't already have, and they are not willing to be a bit flexible until we see if something works, then I get pretty frustrated. I feel like it is a preview into how the relationship will go, and I don't like what I see.
5. Non consensual dick pics
I know, I know! Us girls complain about this all the time! I enjoy sharing photos of myself too (once trust is established), I want to win them over with my gorgeous nipples and voluptuous booty, but I always ask first. You know why? Because consent is important! A dick pic does nothing for me honestly. The only time a dick pic is enticing, is when I have formed a connection with the mind that is attached to that dick. So sending random ones without asking is not only pointless, but it also shows me that they aren't very good at thinking about others. Am I at work? Is a minor near me? A simple heads up with any kind of nude is good for those reasons.
6. Asking for nudes
Asking is good. At least we are going in the right direction. However, I have it listed in my soft limits that pictures won't be sent until trust is established. That being said, I have photos posted on imgur and linked in my reddit ad, and my Fetlife and Kinky Wonderland accounts both have at least 50+ kinky/sexy photos. So it really frustrates me when they want more. I really get angry when they aren't asked for, and instead demanded.
7. Wanting me to Domme them
I deliberately don't advertise that I am a Domme or Switch. I will let a potential partner know once we have a conversation that I have sub partners, but if I mention it in my ad, it is all too common for male subs or switches to message me and instead of them wanting to Dom me, they want me to be their Domme. Some will come right out and say it, while others will start to ask questions about my relationship with my subs and increase their insistence on details - using them to get off. And if I mention that we won't be a good fit, they come right out and ask me to Domme them instead.
8. Assuming control
My submission is a gift. It is something that I choose to give to very select people. It is not something that I give lightly. I don't enter into play very easily with potential Doms. I like to have discussions about safewords, limits, expectations, punishments, etc. before I take orders. I make this very clear to my potential partners when we first start talking. I want to go slow and build something magical together. So when they enter into a conversation with me and try to take control of me immediately or give me orders right away ... it does not go over well.
9. Name calling/pet names/titles
Name calling is a huge limit for me. Of course, it isn't mentioned in all of my ads, and so I am pretty lenient with those who say something like: "I want a slut to dress up for me". I will point out my limits and have a discussion about the history behind it. However, if somebody starts a conversation by calling me a slut, whore or bitch, or they start to refer to me as their/a slave, my defenses go up. Don't even get me started on those who start to refer to themselves as "daddy" or "master" without us negotiating that.
10. Having no patience
When I post an ad on reddit or Fetlife, I always plan the timing knowing that I get an influx of responses right at the beginning. But when I get those responses, they aren't the only response I get. I get 10-15 immediately and have to sort through and see who may be worth chatting to more. When responses trickle in outside of that original time period, a lot of the time I am at work or working or even doing housework. Most times I am dividing my time between them and doing something else. So if it takes me a few minutes to get back to them, I think that it is pretty reasonable. But there are those who expect my undivided attention and if I don't respond immediately, they get pissed off.
Again, this is an indication that the relationship is not going to work. While I always make time for my partners, there are few times where I will have undivided attention for them. There is always a possibility that we will be interrupted by work, family, friends, other partners or even the pasta cats. And if they don't understand that real life happens, they are living in a fantasy world.
11. No introduction
My ads are thorough. Even the short ones are probably considered long winded. I also have provided a lot of information on my profiles, in my blogs, etc. So when somebody responds to my ad directly, or messages me on kik and their only words are "Hey" or "I read your ad", I don't know what to say. I usually ask how we know each other, and will get a bit of information from them. But it shouldn't be like pulling teeth to get the basic info from them. How hard is it to introduce yourself!
12. "Daughter" play
This one just makes me feel icky. I am a little. This can sometimes get confused for age play which I am not into at all. I know some are into it, and that is totally ok. As long as you aren't hurting others, or doing something illegal, I say enjoy your kinks to the fullest. But no where in my ad do I have it written that I am interested in incest play. That is a dark and twisted rabbit hole that I don't want to go down.
13. Ghosting
Rejection is to be expected. Sometimes I am rejected because I am poly, others it is because I identify as a brat, or little, or they find out I am a switch. Sometimes it is physical attraction. Even though I am a lovely person, there are many reasons that somebody might not think we mesh well. That's ok. I understand. However, the one that sucks, is when somebody just poofs. Especially if a conversation gets past the initial phases. All the important information has been exchanged, they have seen what I look like, they seem happy to continue a conversation, and then poof. Gone. Lost to the abyss. GRRRRRR! The worst part is, we have probably already had a conversation about how ghosting sucks, and it has happened to us both before. We bond over the frustration and vow to not do that to each other because we know it sucks. And yet ....
14. Rejection - Being Mean
Speaking of rejection. If somebody tells me that we aren't compatible for any reason, then cool. I thank them for letting me know and wish them good luck in their search. I am not going to try and convince them otherwise. However, a lot of the time, when I am letting somebody else know that we are not a good match for whatever reason, they turn mean. I will be called names, or insulted in different ways. It is just not called for.
15. Accusing me of cheating
When I tell people that I am poly, people can have a few different reactions. Lots of people have questions and I love to share about my experiences. However, some people just automatically accuse me of cheating. They have no interest in hearing about my experiences, how we do poly, my communication and boundaries with my partners, they just automatically tell me I am a cheater. If poly isn't for you, no problem, but leave me to conduct my relationships the way I choose to.
16. "Discreet"
If somebody says they want to be "discreet", that is code word for cheating. I work hard to make my poly relationships work. It takes a lot of communication, trust and transparency. I am not going to condone you cheating on your spouse. Keeping your life private for safety reasons etc. is totally reasonable. But the word "discreet" is just a huge red flag for me.
17. Advertising that you are "hung"
This is another one that just automatically makes me cringe. If you are leading with the fact that you are "hung", it probably means you aren't .... but also, why do I need to know that? I don't care what your dick looks like, what size it is, or how you use it. I want to get to know you as a person first.
I am sure there are more, but this was what came to mind at this time. One of these things on their own is nothing much. Its easy to brush it off and get back on track. However, when there are a couple of these pet peeves in one interaction, or if I have a couple of frustrating interactions in a day, it can just leave a bad taste in my mouth. My defenses go up and it makes it impossible to be subby and allow the person to get to know me.
I really am a lovely person. I have standards but I don't think they are crazy high or unattainable. Most of these things should be common sense, at least I think so. So why do they happen so often?
