Over the years I have developed a list of things to watch out for, red flags if you will. Signs that you should run away and not waste your time in a relationship. Most of these points are aimed at signs that might happen at the beginning of a relationship.
Of course not everybody who is rude or scary or a waste of time will show one of these signs and it isn't foolproof, so if somebody shows one of these signs maybe they are a good person/sub/dom etc. But generally speaking, if you see one or more of these signs, be cautious, take precautions, or run away as fast as you can because it is most likely bad news.
1. They ask for pictures or videos but are unwilling to send any in return
You do not owe anybody photos or videos. Ever! The internet can be a scary place and you need to protect yourself. When you first meet somebody, it is normal to want to protect your identity. Both Doms and subs should be cautious when sharing photos, especially when they include your face. For some people, sending photos at all is a limit, and for others, not receiving photos is a limit. Both are perfectly fine. However, if somebody is asking you to send photos or videos of yourself, they should be willing to do the same. If you offer to send a video or photo and they accept, but are not willing to share, that is ok, you offered. However, if they are pressuring you to send a photo or video, and aren't willing to share, that is not fair.
2. They ask for money, passwords etc.
I know that you can find people who will be your Dom or your Sub if you pay them. However, paying for services is something that is banned on this site. If somebody you met on KW is asking you for money, you should report them. Furthermore, if anybody is asking you for money in exchange for services, it means they do not want a genuine long term relationship with you. All they want is a business transaction (of course there may be a few exceptions, but in general this is the case).
When it comes to passwords this is something that can be worked up to. Although we do not recommend that you share your KW password with anybody, even I know my husbands and will go onto his account at times. It happens. The problem is when it happens before trust is formed. If you meet somebody today, and tomorrow they ask you for your password, that is a red flag.
As for teamviewer/control your screen type stuff, I know this is a kink that a lot of people enjoy, however, if somebody is pressuring you to do this on day one, without building up trust or getting to know you, you do not have to say yes. If somebody has free reign on your computer, they can get into a lot of stuff. Worse case scenario, they could lock you out of your own computer, or use your personal information/photos against you. When you are engaging in this type of play, make sure that YOU feel comfortable and are not being pressured into anything.
3. Feelings rushed.
When I start a relationship with a play partner, either a sub or a dom, there is a list of things that I expect to discuss. There is obviously the basic things such as time zone, age, sex, experience, list of toys, etc. But then there is the next level. It can be the "boring" stuff. The administrative type things. Things that are very important. These are things such as likes. loves. limits. Discussing views on punishments. Talking about any kind of triggers you may have. And very importantly, discussing a safeword.
If your potential play partner does not take time to discuss these things, it could be a red flag. Maybe it is due to inexperience, or maybe they just want to get off, either way it is important to start communicating right from the beginning.
These things can be discussed as you go as well, as long as neither partner ever feels rushed. Both partners need to feel free to ask questions and discuss anything that they feel is important.
4. They expect you to have no limits from day one
Again, there are no limit relationships, and they work for some people. Usually the people who are happy with that type of relationship have either been in a relationship for a long time and have built trust slowly with each other and they know each other very well. The other people who are "happy" with this type of arrangement are faking it. (Again there may be a few exceptions, but overall I feel that statement is pretty accurate).
One of the first things you should talk to a potential play partner about, is limits. Everybody has limits. Maybe you don't know what your limits are or maybe you just have basic limits (ie. no blood, no animals or family, etc). Limits are limits for a reason, and you should never feel pressured to break any of your limits. If you give your partner a list of limits and they are constantly pressuring you to break one, run! If they are threatening punishment if you do not break a limit, run! If you are in the middle of play and realize that there is something that is a limit that you weren't aware of, and they get mad or punish you, RUN!!!!
The people who enter into a no limit relationships still have personal limits, the difference is, they trust their partner to keep them safe, mentally, physically and emotionally. Their partner may push their limits or ask them to break their limits at times, but they know their partners response and thoughts and the two partners communicate 100%. This is not something you can do on day one, or even week one. You need to build up that trust and rapport with your partner. The most important part about these type of relationships is that the person giving up their limits consented. They were not coerced or forced or threatened into giving up their limits, they freely put that trust into their partner.
5. Not being given the option of a safeword.
I am a big believer in using a safeword. I know some people don't agree, but I think it is especially important when you are first starting to play with somebody new. It is important to have a word that will let your partner know that things are not ok. I believe that every sub should at least be offered one. It should be discussed. If you agree that it is not needed, then that is ok. But if it is not offered, or discussed, to me this is a sign of inexperience, carelessness or rushing into things.
6. They give you ultimatums.
It is one thing to be punished for not following rules that have been agreed to by both parties. It is another to receive ultimatums. An ultimatum is a desperate last resort ... "If you don't do x, then we are done" ...
Ultimatums are designed to make you feel trapped. You should never feel trapped in a D/s relationships. Both parties have consented and agreed to be a part of the relationship. You both WANT to be there. If you feel coerced, then it is no longer consensual and that is not ok!.
7. They are setting you up for failure.
This one is aimed mostly towards subs. I think most subs can agree that the one thing we want more than anything, is to please our Dom. It is just who we are. We want to be told we are a "good girl/boy" or that they are proud of us. We want to make them happy. If we do not do this, we feel like failures. This becomes a problem when a Dom will set you up for failure so that they can punish you.
A challenging task is welcome, there may be a real possibility that you will fail, and that can be part of the fun. However, there is a big difference between challenging and impossible. If every single task you do is impossible, then it takes all the fun out of it. You will never succeed, you will never be able to get rewarded, you will just be continuously punished, and that can break a sub's spirit.
8. They disappear unexpectedly and without explanation for long periods of time
Everybody has real life things going on. You may work, or go to school. You have family and friend obligations, a social life, hobbies, etc. And emergencies happen. But if somebody is regularly disappearing during a play session without warning, or not getting in contact for days at a time without any notice, that is a red flag.
I think it is pretty common for people here to have a "double life" so to speak. Your family and friends may not know about your kinky side, and that is ok. You have to be careful that they do not see your conversations etc. But I am also a big believer that 90% of the time, there is a way to get a message to your play partner to let them know you will be unavailable. Nothing is worse than getting ghosted and not knowing what is happening or why. If you see this pattern starting at the beginning of the relationship, what are the chances it will get better over time?
9. They are not willing to share at least some details of their personal life.
As I mentioned in number 8, most people do not share this part of their life with their family or friends. So to protect our careers, our family, our privacy, we may decide not to share certain information about ourselves. That is perfectly ok! I will never press somebody for details about their life that they do not wish to share. That being said, how are you going to build a relationship with somebody who is not willing to share anything! If it is like pulling teeth to get basic information from your play partner (ie. which country do you live in, what hobbies do you enjoy, what is your experience level, etc.), then that is a red flag that either they are not serious, or that they have something to hide.
10. You are constantly being punished.
This kind of relates to number 7. If you feel as though you are constantly being punished, it might mean that your play partner is only interested in punishment. "Funishment" is a kink that some people enjoy. It is enjoying the feeling of being punished, but there is no real reason that you deserve it. It should be something that both parties enjoy. A punishment is given out for doing something wrong.
A punishment should also fit the crime. If you forget to call your Dom "Sir" on day one, your punishment should not be that you cannot cum for a year. Extreme and unfair punishments are a big red flag!
11. You are scared of them.
It is normal to be scared of disappointing your play partner, or being scared that you may lose them or even scared of trying a certain task. However, being truly scared of your play partner is not ok! There is a thin line between BDSM and abuse, and having real fear of your play partner crosses that line. Your play partner should make you feel safe at all times, even when you are trying something scary or you have disappointed them.
12. Lying
If you start to catch your play partner lying, that is a huge red flag. Even if it something little like ... "I am going to bed now" and you see that they were on getDare posting for another 2 hours. If lying comes naturally to them, where do they draw the line. Lying is a huge breach of trust, and you cannot have a solid relationship without trust.
13. Non Consent
One of the biggest things to remember about D/s is that nothing can happen without your consent. Whether it is something small such as calling you a "slave" or "slut" without asking if it is ok, or if it is something big like blackmail, if you do not consent, it is NOT ok. Of course, in the early stages of a relationship, when you are trying to figure things out, there may be times where one or both of you overstep. As long as communication happens, and apologies are made, and steps to correct it happen, then there is no harm done. However, if it continues, you should run!
Again, there are relationships that follow consensual non-consent, but just like no limit relationships, this should be entered into much later in a relationship and under very specific conditions.
14. You are unhappy
The biggest red flag of them all is your happiness. If you are not happy, you are not enjoying yourself, then you need to stop! Your happiness is the most important thing. Of course there will be hiccups along the way. There will be times you are being punished or punishing your partner and you may be unhappy. There will be fights or arguments. But the relationship should make you happy most of the time, not miserable.
Of course not everybody who is rude or scary or a waste of time will show one of these signs and it isn't foolproof, so if somebody shows one of these signs maybe they are a good person/sub/dom etc. But generally speaking, if you see one or more of these signs, be cautious, take precautions, or run away as fast as you can because it is most likely bad news.
1. They ask for pictures or videos but are unwilling to send any in return
You do not owe anybody photos or videos. Ever! The internet can be a scary place and you need to protect yourself. When you first meet somebody, it is normal to want to protect your identity. Both Doms and subs should be cautious when sharing photos, especially when they include your face. For some people, sending photos at all is a limit, and for others, not receiving photos is a limit. Both are perfectly fine. However, if somebody is asking you to send photos or videos of yourself, they should be willing to do the same. If you offer to send a video or photo and they accept, but are not willing to share, that is ok, you offered. However, if they are pressuring you to send a photo or video, and aren't willing to share, that is not fair.
2. They ask for money, passwords etc.
I know that you can find people who will be your Dom or your Sub if you pay them. However, paying for services is something that is banned on this site. If somebody you met on KW is asking you for money, you should report them. Furthermore, if anybody is asking you for money in exchange for services, it means they do not want a genuine long term relationship with you. All they want is a business transaction (of course there may be a few exceptions, but in general this is the case).
When it comes to passwords this is something that can be worked up to. Although we do not recommend that you share your KW password with anybody, even I know my husbands and will go onto his account at times. It happens. The problem is when it happens before trust is formed. If you meet somebody today, and tomorrow they ask you for your password, that is a red flag.
As for teamviewer/control your screen type stuff, I know this is a kink that a lot of people enjoy, however, if somebody is pressuring you to do this on day one, without building up trust or getting to know you, you do not have to say yes. If somebody has free reign on your computer, they can get into a lot of stuff. Worse case scenario, they could lock you out of your own computer, or use your personal information/photos against you. When you are engaging in this type of play, make sure that YOU feel comfortable and are not being pressured into anything.
3. Feelings rushed.
When I start a relationship with a play partner, either a sub or a dom, there is a list of things that I expect to discuss. There is obviously the basic things such as time zone, age, sex, experience, list of toys, etc. But then there is the next level. It can be the "boring" stuff. The administrative type things. Things that are very important. These are things such as likes. loves. limits. Discussing views on punishments. Talking about any kind of triggers you may have. And very importantly, discussing a safeword.
If your potential play partner does not take time to discuss these things, it could be a red flag. Maybe it is due to inexperience, or maybe they just want to get off, either way it is important to start communicating right from the beginning.
These things can be discussed as you go as well, as long as neither partner ever feels rushed. Both partners need to feel free to ask questions and discuss anything that they feel is important.
4. They expect you to have no limits from day one
Again, there are no limit relationships, and they work for some people. Usually the people who are happy with that type of relationship have either been in a relationship for a long time and have built trust slowly with each other and they know each other very well. The other people who are "happy" with this type of arrangement are faking it. (Again there may be a few exceptions, but overall I feel that statement is pretty accurate).
One of the first things you should talk to a potential play partner about, is limits. Everybody has limits. Maybe you don't know what your limits are or maybe you just have basic limits (ie. no blood, no animals or family, etc). Limits are limits for a reason, and you should never feel pressured to break any of your limits. If you give your partner a list of limits and they are constantly pressuring you to break one, run! If they are threatening punishment if you do not break a limit, run! If you are in the middle of play and realize that there is something that is a limit that you weren't aware of, and they get mad or punish you, RUN!!!!
The people who enter into a no limit relationships still have personal limits, the difference is, they trust their partner to keep them safe, mentally, physically and emotionally. Their partner may push their limits or ask them to break their limits at times, but they know their partners response and thoughts and the two partners communicate 100%. This is not something you can do on day one, or even week one. You need to build up that trust and rapport with your partner. The most important part about these type of relationships is that the person giving up their limits consented. They were not coerced or forced or threatened into giving up their limits, they freely put that trust into their partner.
5. Not being given the option of a safeword.
I am a big believer in using a safeword. I know some people don't agree, but I think it is especially important when you are first starting to play with somebody new. It is important to have a word that will let your partner know that things are not ok. I believe that every sub should at least be offered one. It should be discussed. If you agree that it is not needed, then that is ok. But if it is not offered, or discussed, to me this is a sign of inexperience, carelessness or rushing into things.
6. They give you ultimatums.
It is one thing to be punished for not following rules that have been agreed to by both parties. It is another to receive ultimatums. An ultimatum is a desperate last resort ... "If you don't do x, then we are done" ...
Ultimatums are designed to make you feel trapped. You should never feel trapped in a D/s relationships. Both parties have consented and agreed to be a part of the relationship. You both WANT to be there. If you feel coerced, then it is no longer consensual and that is not ok!.
7. They are setting you up for failure.
This one is aimed mostly towards subs. I think most subs can agree that the one thing we want more than anything, is to please our Dom. It is just who we are. We want to be told we are a "good girl/boy" or that they are proud of us. We want to make them happy. If we do not do this, we feel like failures. This becomes a problem when a Dom will set you up for failure so that they can punish you.
A challenging task is welcome, there may be a real possibility that you will fail, and that can be part of the fun. However, there is a big difference between challenging and impossible. If every single task you do is impossible, then it takes all the fun out of it. You will never succeed, you will never be able to get rewarded, you will just be continuously punished, and that can break a sub's spirit.
8. They disappear unexpectedly and without explanation for long periods of time
Everybody has real life things going on. You may work, or go to school. You have family and friend obligations, a social life, hobbies, etc. And emergencies happen. But if somebody is regularly disappearing during a play session without warning, or not getting in contact for days at a time without any notice, that is a red flag.
I think it is pretty common for people here to have a "double life" so to speak. Your family and friends may not know about your kinky side, and that is ok. You have to be careful that they do not see your conversations etc. But I am also a big believer that 90% of the time, there is a way to get a message to your play partner to let them know you will be unavailable. Nothing is worse than getting ghosted and not knowing what is happening or why. If you see this pattern starting at the beginning of the relationship, what are the chances it will get better over time?
9. They are not willing to share at least some details of their personal life.
As I mentioned in number 8, most people do not share this part of their life with their family or friends. So to protect our careers, our family, our privacy, we may decide not to share certain information about ourselves. That is perfectly ok! I will never press somebody for details about their life that they do not wish to share. That being said, how are you going to build a relationship with somebody who is not willing to share anything! If it is like pulling teeth to get basic information from your play partner (ie. which country do you live in, what hobbies do you enjoy, what is your experience level, etc.), then that is a red flag that either they are not serious, or that they have something to hide.
10. You are constantly being punished.
This kind of relates to number 7. If you feel as though you are constantly being punished, it might mean that your play partner is only interested in punishment. "Funishment" is a kink that some people enjoy. It is enjoying the feeling of being punished, but there is no real reason that you deserve it. It should be something that both parties enjoy. A punishment is given out for doing something wrong.
A punishment should also fit the crime. If you forget to call your Dom "Sir" on day one, your punishment should not be that you cannot cum for a year. Extreme and unfair punishments are a big red flag!
11. You are scared of them.
It is normal to be scared of disappointing your play partner, or being scared that you may lose them or even scared of trying a certain task. However, being truly scared of your play partner is not ok! There is a thin line between BDSM and abuse, and having real fear of your play partner crosses that line. Your play partner should make you feel safe at all times, even when you are trying something scary or you have disappointed them.
12. Lying
If you start to catch your play partner lying, that is a huge red flag. Even if it something little like ... "I am going to bed now" and you see that they were on getDare posting for another 2 hours. If lying comes naturally to them, where do they draw the line. Lying is a huge breach of trust, and you cannot have a solid relationship without trust.
13. Non Consent
One of the biggest things to remember about D/s is that nothing can happen without your consent. Whether it is something small such as calling you a "slave" or "slut" without asking if it is ok, or if it is something big like blackmail, if you do not consent, it is NOT ok. Of course, in the early stages of a relationship, when you are trying to figure things out, there may be times where one or both of you overstep. As long as communication happens, and apologies are made, and steps to correct it happen, then there is no harm done. However, if it continues, you should run!
Again, there are relationships that follow consensual non-consent, but just like no limit relationships, this should be entered into much later in a relationship and under very specific conditions.
14. You are unhappy
The biggest red flag of them all is your happiness. If you are not happy, you are not enjoying yourself, then you need to stop! Your happiness is the most important thing. Of course there will be hiccups along the way. There will be times you are being punished or punishing your partner and you may be unhappy. There will be fights or arguments. But the relationship should make you happy most of the time, not miserable.