I was asked in the chat room today about Poly Jealousy and how I handle that.
First, I will say that jealousy happens to everybody, no matter what type of relationship you are in. I think it is important that when it does happen, you take the time to talk it out and be open about what your triggers are. That being said, I am going to share my experience with poly jealousy.
Mr. Devious and I have been poly-ish right since we started to talk when we met online 10 years ago. Even when we first started to date, we had other partners or played with people together as a couple. It has been a pretty steady constant in our relationship. It is still a work in progress for us, and I think it always will be. It takes a lot of communication for us to allow others to have a place in our relationship.
In the last 10 years, we have only had to deal with a few major problems with jealousy. One was when Mr. D had a a Domme and he was denied. I felt as though it was taking away my ability to please him as his sub, and it really messed with my head. The other was when a Dom had me write his name on me constantly for a few weeks and Mr. D felt a bit jealous. Both of these times we were able to talk about it and came to a solution that worked for both of us.
In the beginning our outside relationships were not romantic. They were built on a foundation of a power dynamic and I guess I would describe them as intimate friendships. There was sexual play but we were never in love with our partners.
Now we are both open to seeing where our relationships might go, we are open to feelings developing, and both of us have, in fact, fallen in love with our partners.
A few years ago, this led to one of our biggest bouts of poly jealousy.
Mr. Devious had an appointment to get a tattoo done. On the morning of the appointment, he sent me a message asking how I would feel about having something drawn by his sub, added to his tattoo.
My first reaction was a sickening feeling in my stomach. I felt like I needed to make a decision immediately and I felt ambushed and just sick at the prospect.
I wanted to scream "HELL NO". I wanted to have a fit. I wanted to tell Mr. D that I no longer wanted to be poly.
This surprised me because I am not typically the jealous type. I am usually the one who is open and accepting about these things.
It was at this moment that I realized we had shifted into being truly poly. There was more than feelings of friendship between Mr. D and his partner. And if I was being honest, I had felt similar feelings with one of my partners as well.
I could have gone haywire at this point, and to be honest, my mind went there for a short period of time. I felt hurt. I felt sad. Instead, I told Mr. D that I needed time. I needed to sort out my feelings before sharing them.
Throughout the week I struggled off and on. I never doubted Mr. D's love for me. People tell me all the time that they can tell just by the way he looks at me that he is madly in love with me. But knowing that this other partner was sharing a place in his heart that only belonged to me previously, was hard.
So I took the time. I worked through my feelings and then Mr. D and I talked. We talked and we talked and then we had sex and we talked some more. It wasn't easy. It wasn't comfortable. But we did it.
This is still something that we have tabled. It isn't solved, or wrapped up in a neat bow. We decided at the time that he was not going to get the addition to his tattoo and that we would talk about it again in the future. I think if he were to come to me and ask to discuss it, it would go a lot better than it did previously, but I still think there could be lots of feelings there. It will be an ongoing conversation if any situation like this arises again. But I think that is totally expected.
Other than that, we have had some small incidents - if somebody calls me the special name that Mr. Devious has called me from the beginning, if Mr. Devious watches a Disney movie with his partner that I wanted to watch with him instead ... but they have been easily navigated if we are open and honest.
I think it has been so easy with Mr. Devious because I am so comfortable with him. I am secure in our relationship and I know that he loves and adores me. I never question that.
That being said, when I first started to date @ObsidanDusk, I had a harder time with poly jealousy.
Soon after we started to date, he started to date another one of my kinky friends. She lived within an hour from him, so she was able to see him in person. It was really hard for me to share him so early in our relationship. I also felt like I was not able to offer him as much as her. I constantly compared the two of us. Those were my own insecurities. It was nothing that he was doing wrong, the problem was me.
We navigated this by me sharing my feelings, and owning my feelings. He reassured me when he could. Eventually I learned to stop comparing myself, and I grew to be more secure in his interest in me. Honestly, it was more about his actions than his words in that situation.
Now, 2.5 years into our relationship, I am rarely jealous.
Jealousy happens, especially in poly relationships. There are a lot of moving parts, and different people and it can get messy and complicated. But communication is key. Open and honest communication is the only way to do this successfully.
First, I will say that jealousy happens to everybody, no matter what type of relationship you are in. I think it is important that when it does happen, you take the time to talk it out and be open about what your triggers are. That being said, I am going to share my experience with poly jealousy.
Mr. Devious and I have been poly-ish right since we started to talk when we met online 10 years ago. Even when we first started to date, we had other partners or played with people together as a couple. It has been a pretty steady constant in our relationship. It is still a work in progress for us, and I think it always will be. It takes a lot of communication for us to allow others to have a place in our relationship.
In the last 10 years, we have only had to deal with a few major problems with jealousy. One was when Mr. D had a a Domme and he was denied. I felt as though it was taking away my ability to please him as his sub, and it really messed with my head. The other was when a Dom had me write his name on me constantly for a few weeks and Mr. D felt a bit jealous. Both of these times we were able to talk about it and came to a solution that worked for both of us.
In the beginning our outside relationships were not romantic. They were built on a foundation of a power dynamic and I guess I would describe them as intimate friendships. There was sexual play but we were never in love with our partners.
Now we are both open to seeing where our relationships might go, we are open to feelings developing, and both of us have, in fact, fallen in love with our partners.
A few years ago, this led to one of our biggest bouts of poly jealousy.
Mr. Devious had an appointment to get a tattoo done. On the morning of the appointment, he sent me a message asking how I would feel about having something drawn by his sub, added to his tattoo.
My first reaction was a sickening feeling in my stomach. I felt like I needed to make a decision immediately and I felt ambushed and just sick at the prospect.
I wanted to scream "HELL NO". I wanted to have a fit. I wanted to tell Mr. D that I no longer wanted to be poly.
This surprised me because I am not typically the jealous type. I am usually the one who is open and accepting about these things.
It was at this moment that I realized we had shifted into being truly poly. There was more than feelings of friendship between Mr. D and his partner. And if I was being honest, I had felt similar feelings with one of my partners as well.
I could have gone haywire at this point, and to be honest, my mind went there for a short period of time. I felt hurt. I felt sad. Instead, I told Mr. D that I needed time. I needed to sort out my feelings before sharing them.
Throughout the week I struggled off and on. I never doubted Mr. D's love for me. People tell me all the time that they can tell just by the way he looks at me that he is madly in love with me. But knowing that this other partner was sharing a place in his heart that only belonged to me previously, was hard.
So I took the time. I worked through my feelings and then Mr. D and I talked. We talked and we talked and then we had sex and we talked some more. It wasn't easy. It wasn't comfortable. But we did it.
This is still something that we have tabled. It isn't solved, or wrapped up in a neat bow. We decided at the time that he was not going to get the addition to his tattoo and that we would talk about it again in the future. I think if he were to come to me and ask to discuss it, it would go a lot better than it did previously, but I still think there could be lots of feelings there. It will be an ongoing conversation if any situation like this arises again. But I think that is totally expected.
Other than that, we have had some small incidents - if somebody calls me the special name that Mr. Devious has called me from the beginning, if Mr. Devious watches a Disney movie with his partner that I wanted to watch with him instead ... but they have been easily navigated if we are open and honest.
I think it has been so easy with Mr. Devious because I am so comfortable with him. I am secure in our relationship and I know that he loves and adores me. I never question that.
That being said, when I first started to date @ObsidanDusk, I had a harder time with poly jealousy.
Soon after we started to date, he started to date another one of my kinky friends. She lived within an hour from him, so she was able to see him in person. It was really hard for me to share him so early in our relationship. I also felt like I was not able to offer him as much as her. I constantly compared the two of us. Those were my own insecurities. It was nothing that he was doing wrong, the problem was me.
We navigated this by me sharing my feelings, and owning my feelings. He reassured me when he could. Eventually I learned to stop comparing myself, and I grew to be more secure in his interest in me. Honestly, it was more about his actions than his words in that situation.
Now, 2.5 years into our relationship, I am rarely jealous.
Jealousy happens, especially in poly relationships. There are a lot of moving parts, and different people and it can get messy and complicated. But communication is key. Open and honest communication is the only way to do this successfully.