Plurality and Kink

[Anonymous (ab31)]

If you're unfamiliar with Plurality/Multiplicity, have some resources.

OK, so, we're a plural system. We're also kinky. This has created some awkwardness.

For example, we collectively consider ourselves to be a switch, because some of us are dominant and some of us are submissive. Sometimes, someone we know will want to talk to/play with a dominant headmate, but that headmate isn't fronting. So, the headmate who is fronting has to do their best impression of the dominant headmate, and it's really stressful and exhausting.

Another example: someone we know will want to talk to/play with a headmate who has a certain fetish, but that headmate isn't fronting. It can be difficult to fill in for that headmate when the headmate who is fronting doesn't have that same fetish.

Think of it this way: you live in an apartment with your eight identical twins. You all look identical, but you're separate people with separate preferences. Except, everyone assumes you're all Arin. But you aren't all Arin! Arin is a submissive guy in an CG/L relationship, you're Nira! Nira is a dominatrix who likes CBT, which are things that Arin doesn't like at all! So someone will show up at the apartment looking for Arin, and assume you are Arin, but Arin is at the grocery store. And, because of some fae curse or something, you're obligated to pretend to be Arin until he gets back. That's pretty much what more than half of our life is like, including our sex lives.

Are there any other kinkster systems out there who have this same issue? If yes, do you have any advice? We could really use it.

 

[Anonymous (7e9e)]

Even as one person who is bi and a switch, I don't always feel like all the sides of my are active at all times, the fetishes can be dormant or just not in the mood for it at times so it's not that different you just don't do what you don't feel like a the moment.

 

[Anonymous (7e9e)]

of my sexuality*

 

[baloo]

So this took some time to get consensus for, but hello! I am plural as well. Not used to expressing yet, since for the longest time I just thought I was insane (and went with it) before meeting another plural system by total chance, so sorry if I seem dismissive, this is just the most natural and safe form of expression.
To some degree we are in the same position as you are, but we have come to a few agreements that work to our benefit: We decide what happens in consensus, and the one fronting acts as a liaison to the physical world. I am fronting most of the time, have the most experience in controlling this particular body and the others are not at all that interested in taking over - but they do sometimes.
Kink in particular we experience together, just like pretty much anything else that isn't mundane repetitive work. Think of it like a bunch of friends enjoying a movie together. For the most part that means the expertise, and preferences of all of us are available to the outside world, but there are subtleties.
Not all of as are present at all times, doing other stuff. Particularly there is a purely dominant person in here that is often busy otherwise, and they have the most experience with domming, so that's one reason why and how I/we go from submissive to dominant and back. With the other kinks, we came to a compromise that there is usually something for everyone, and it helps that we are all into bondage and the vast field of sensory play.
This is probably not very helpful to you but what helped this system is years of hiding and getting comfortable masquerading. We are okay using singular form, and putting off our internal, plural state as just mood swings, or switching "randomly". The last time we had any long-lasting partners, or group of kinky play mates, was waaay before we even realized pluralism was a thing. Gotten pretty used to posing as singular, although every now and then giving strong hints masked by humor. Nowadays we are still very careful in exposing ourselves as plural - especially to potential play partners - either we pose as an irratically switching singlet or - and this has not happened yet - carefully test if the other system is pluralism-aware and identify us as such then, and only then.

I guess my advice would be: If you encounter a singlet, that is not pluralism-aware, try to find a middle ground where they can accept that kinks are not always available, you (as a system) are not always in the same mood.