So I was trying to think of a blog to write. I'm kind of shit at writing and putting my feelings and thoughts into words but I want to get better at it.
This story isn't recent it's from when I kind of first got into going to events and play parties. When I first started hanging out with this group they emphasized the importance of a safe word like almost everyone in kink does. I of course chose my safe word which at the time was cocaine ( idk why I didn't use the traffic light system that I think work best now) I hung out with these people a lot they became my family at the time and I would see them do these amazing and intense scenes and I was slowly bought into them. One thing I never saw any of them do was use a safe word though. Some of them I could see they were in pain and I was just amazed no one tried to stop in the middle of a scene so I kind of thought it was a negative thing to do. I began to see the idea of safe wording as a bitch move something only for the weak and stupid. It didn't help that when I did hear them talk about one of them using it in the past it was always joking about it and how much of a pussy they were being for using it. In my head I truly believed I would never safe word because no one really into this stuff would. One day when I convinced them to really let me join in during a intense scene at a play party we were doing a lot of different types of your traditional pain play it was my first long form scene for scarification. For me and a few others I talked to Pain play goes through specific stages
1. Light pain and just getting in the mood
2. The pain can build up and you get a bit more pleasure from it
3. The pleasure stops and the pain raises quickly
4. The pain kind of goes away and the pleasure becomes intense. It still hurts a lot but the pleasure is all that will flood my head and I start to crave it more every hit from the whip or every slice from the knife is a mix of pain and pleasure that I can not describe.
But during this scene the cutting grew and grew to a more extreme pain that I have felt and the pleasure went away. I no longer was feeling that mind numbing pleasure from it and all I could feel. All I could think about was the pain. I thought about safe wording but immediately thought am I going to be that much of a bitch? Have I been lieing to them and my self this whole time? All my friends are able to take this what will they think if I put a end to it? The party room was dimly lit with scenes going on around me everyone in there own little world but all of us together. I thought maybe if I say it just so he could hear me we could stop and no one would know and than I could just leave quietly the next munch I won't be at and they can make jokes about me being some little bitch who couldn't handle a knife. It wouldn't matter I wouldn't see them again I could never show my self after doing such a thing. I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore. COCAINE. I said it a bit louder than I meant to and all of a sudden I feel the knife stop and the Dom I was with yelled something I don't remember what really but all the scenes around me stopped and the lights turned on. He began taking the restraints off me and helped me sit up and handed me some water. He asked me some questions about how I was physically and emotionally. He asked if it was ok if he started to care for the cuts and I let him. Everyone around me by now has stopped everything being done and anyone that was in restraints were out of them. The man I was with asked me if I wanted privacy he said we could go to a different room or even said everyone can clear the room if I just needed a moment alone. I told him I was ok with everyone being there and that I just wanted to leave but he insisted I didn't not in a mean or over bearing way but I could tell he genuinely cared. He said I was shaking to much to try to go home on my own and if I wanted someone could take me. I decided to stay and he covered my cuts and got me a blanket to put over my self while I just sat there for a bit. Once he saw I was ok and calmed he asked me if it was ok if others contiithere play and I started crying I was so ashamed thinking I ruined everyone's night. I started apologizing loudly crying that I'm sorry everything had to stop and that I'll go home and won't bother them and I won't keep pretending to them that I'm someone I'm not. They all just listened to me the Dom I was with just gave me a hug. He didn't really say anything he just hugged me till I stopped crying. Then he assured me I didn't ruin anything and those around me said the same thing. Than a few of the other subs I kind of saw as roll models started talking me of the first time they safe worded and I have heard them talk about it before but not like this. There were no jokes this time. No laughs. Just the story and there feelings. We stayed at that party for a couple more hours but there was no more play just us talking and them being so honest and reassuring to me that everything was ok. I was still ashamed but they made me feel better. Later that evening I went home and the Dom I was with told me to call him when I got there to make sure I was all right but I didn't. I got home and was just still ashamed of it all I shut off my phone and just tried to get to sleep. At some point at night I woke up to banging on my door I was terrified I didn't know what was going on but it was loud I looked out a window and saw a couple people from the party standing outside I went to my door and the dom was there and he just looked so concerned I never saw someone look at me like that. All he did was ask me if I was alright and that I scared him when he couldn't call me. I told him I was ok and just tired and wanted to be alone. He didn't argue or anything he just asked if he could hug me and they left. The next morning when I woke up I turned on my phone I had dozens of missed messages and calls from everyone in that party that night. It was a few days since I talked to them after that but the day before the weekly munch he called me and asked if I was going to join them still. At the time I really wasn't planning on it but he convinced me and I went and I'm so happy I did. I thought using the safe word would end my time in the bdsm community but honestly it just started it. I felt closer to all of them than I did before.
I don't know what the ideal response to someone safe wording should be I have had to a few times since than and every time is different but if it wasn't for the over the top care and affection I got from these people I don't think I would of ever got involved in kink again I am thankful for them and how they handled it.
If there's anything I can do to improve my writing please let me know. Or if you think I should just stop lol that's valid to
This story isn't recent it's from when I kind of first got into going to events and play parties. When I first started hanging out with this group they emphasized the importance of a safe word like almost everyone in kink does. I of course chose my safe word which at the time was cocaine ( idk why I didn't use the traffic light system that I think work best now) I hung out with these people a lot they became my family at the time and I would see them do these amazing and intense scenes and I was slowly bought into them. One thing I never saw any of them do was use a safe word though. Some of them I could see they were in pain and I was just amazed no one tried to stop in the middle of a scene so I kind of thought it was a negative thing to do. I began to see the idea of safe wording as a bitch move something only for the weak and stupid. It didn't help that when I did hear them talk about one of them using it in the past it was always joking about it and how much of a pussy they were being for using it. In my head I truly believed I would never safe word because no one really into this stuff would. One day when I convinced them to really let me join in during a intense scene at a play party we were doing a lot of different types of your traditional pain play it was my first long form scene for scarification. For me and a few others I talked to Pain play goes through specific stages
1. Light pain and just getting in the mood
2. The pain can build up and you get a bit more pleasure from it
3. The pleasure stops and the pain raises quickly
4. The pain kind of goes away and the pleasure becomes intense. It still hurts a lot but the pleasure is all that will flood my head and I start to crave it more every hit from the whip or every slice from the knife is a mix of pain and pleasure that I can not describe.
But during this scene the cutting grew and grew to a more extreme pain that I have felt and the pleasure went away. I no longer was feeling that mind numbing pleasure from it and all I could feel. All I could think about was the pain. I thought about safe wording but immediately thought am I going to be that much of a bitch? Have I been lieing to them and my self this whole time? All my friends are able to take this what will they think if I put a end to it? The party room was dimly lit with scenes going on around me everyone in there own little world but all of us together. I thought maybe if I say it just so he could hear me we could stop and no one would know and than I could just leave quietly the next munch I won't be at and they can make jokes about me being some little bitch who couldn't handle a knife. It wouldn't matter I wouldn't see them again I could never show my self after doing such a thing. I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore. COCAINE. I said it a bit louder than I meant to and all of a sudden I feel the knife stop and the Dom I was with yelled something I don't remember what really but all the scenes around me stopped and the lights turned on. He began taking the restraints off me and helped me sit up and handed me some water. He asked me some questions about how I was physically and emotionally. He asked if it was ok if he started to care for the cuts and I let him. Everyone around me by now has stopped everything being done and anyone that was in restraints were out of them. The man I was with asked me if I wanted privacy he said we could go to a different room or even said everyone can clear the room if I just needed a moment alone. I told him I was ok with everyone being there and that I just wanted to leave but he insisted I didn't not in a mean or over bearing way but I could tell he genuinely cared. He said I was shaking to much to try to go home on my own and if I wanted someone could take me. I decided to stay and he covered my cuts and got me a blanket to put over my self while I just sat there for a bit. Once he saw I was ok and calmed he asked me if it was ok if others contiithere play and I started crying I was so ashamed thinking I ruined everyone's night. I started apologizing loudly crying that I'm sorry everything had to stop and that I'll go home and won't bother them and I won't keep pretending to them that I'm someone I'm not. They all just listened to me the Dom I was with just gave me a hug. He didn't really say anything he just hugged me till I stopped crying. Then he assured me I didn't ruin anything and those around me said the same thing. Than a few of the other subs I kind of saw as roll models started talking me of the first time they safe worded and I have heard them talk about it before but not like this. There were no jokes this time. No laughs. Just the story and there feelings. We stayed at that party for a couple more hours but there was no more play just us talking and them being so honest and reassuring to me that everything was ok. I was still ashamed but they made me feel better. Later that evening I went home and the Dom I was with told me to call him when I got there to make sure I was all right but I didn't. I got home and was just still ashamed of it all I shut off my phone and just tried to get to sleep. At some point at night I woke up to banging on my door I was terrified I didn't know what was going on but it was loud I looked out a window and saw a couple people from the party standing outside I went to my door and the dom was there and he just looked so concerned I never saw someone look at me like that. All he did was ask me if I was alright and that I scared him when he couldn't call me. I told him I was ok and just tired and wanted to be alone. He didn't argue or anything he just asked if he could hug me and they left. The next morning when I woke up I turned on my phone I had dozens of missed messages and calls from everyone in that party that night. It was a few days since I talked to them after that but the day before the weekly munch he called me and asked if I was going to join them still. At the time I really wasn't planning on it but he convinced me and I went and I'm so happy I did. I thought using the safe word would end my time in the bdsm community but honestly it just started it. I felt closer to all of them than I did before.
I don't know what the ideal response to someone safe wording should be I have had to a few times since than and every time is different but if it wasn't for the over the top care and affection I got from these people I don't think I would of ever got involved in kink again I am thankful for them and how they handled it.
If there's anything I can do to improve my writing please let me know. Or if you think I should just stop lol that's valid to
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