I hate being alone.

It's storming out right now. The sound of the rain and the thunder. The sound of the trees brushing against the roof I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

I have my dog with me he's curled up in my bed and I'm happy he's here but nights like this I realize how much I truly hate being alone.

I spent most of my childhood alone my family moved a lot from diferant temp and government housing so I never really got close to anyone mainly escaping online or into my own mind to find comfort. I had al active imagination as a kid talking to my stuffed animals for hours at a time and telling them everything. Some times I would tell them to much and tell them things I didn't want them to know. Things I wish I didn't think about.

Occasionally I was able to talk to people online but learned quick most people who talked to a young girl online about there problems or emotions rarely ever actually cared.

This has always been what has drew me to fetish clubs and kink party's being able to escape into that atmosphere with the noise and the people has always been more comforting than staying alone with my own thoughts.

Lately it's been harder for me to escape those thoughts though I tried going to the normal hang outs and it's just not helping anymore. Becoming harder to integrate myself with the crowd. I find my self just staying more distant. Often nights like this I tend to look for my room mate for support he has always been there for me since I met him a few years ago. Always been that shoulder to lean on and that stability I need in my life but he's at work right now. Probably busy beating the shit out of someone.

It's nights like this I really wish I had someone closer to me. I don't know if that's a boy friend, a more formal dom than all these fly by night top's I see and come to rely on. Maybe I need to be more serious and look for a Dom who can one-day fulfill that gap that my previous Master left in my heart. What I do know is what ever I need I need to find it fast because the whiskey isn't working anymore.

 

[Frosty]

Thank you for sharing something so raw, it takes real strength to put those feelings into words. I can hear how heavy the storm outside mirrors the one inside, and that ache of being alone when you need connection the most is something many of us know all too well.

What you said about growing up isolated, finding refuge in your imagination, and later in the noise of fetish clubs, that hit hard. Kink can be such a beautiful escape, but when the noise fades and you are still left with the weight of old wounds, it is no wonder the usual distractions don't work anymore.

Wanting more than casual scenes or fleeting Doms doesn't make you needy, it makes you human. The kind of care, structure, and depth a real D/s connection can bring is powerful and healing, especially for someone who has spent so long carrying things alone. It is okay to want someone steady, someone who doesn't just play the role but truly sees and holds space for you.

Please don't give up the search. The right connection isn't a fantasy, it's real, and it's possible. You have already made it this far, and that resilience means more than you know. Keep looking. Keep believing. You are worth being found.

 

[deschut]

Sorry to hear about your struggles. They sound tough to deal with for sure. I truly hope you find the right way to find comfort, whether that's a dom or other relationship - or maybe the right social environment to stay connected and avoid having the empty and dark feelings!
Chicken nuggets are a better escape compared to Whiskey!
Tough situation for sure - really hope for a breakthrough!

 

[Butterfly]

Big hugs Pica. I am so sorry you feel that way. I hope you can find somebody to help fulfill that need.

I feel so stupid and selfish saying this, but I feel alone. Even with three partners, and friends, and a whole forum of people who seem to adore me, I just feel alone. A lot. I don't know how to fix that feeling.

I hope you can find a way.

Also, my DMs are always open if you need a virtual hug or somebody to keep you company.