Frustrated NB Kinkster

[Anonymous (a338)]

So, I'm genderqueer. I'm not sure where exactly I fall on the gender spectrum, it really varies from day-to-day. Maybe I'm genderfluid, but there are days when I feel like every gender at once, a feminine boy, a masculine girl, no gender at all, none gender with left boy - I'm all over the place.

Because I'm AFAB, it's just easier to present feminine most of the time, but this can be really frustrating. Most people, in-person or online, regard me exclusively as a woman. Even when I'm being very open about my gender, people refuse to see me as anything else. I thought maybe I'd see more open-mindedness in kink spaces, but not really. On getDare especially, there was a lot of blatant transphobia, to be perfectly honest. Like, if I presented as being transmasc, hardly anyone wanted anything to do with me. I would see posts with "biological females only" in them. (I'm so sorry transfems and trans ladies, you do not deserve that disrespect.)

But, when I present feminine, I get way more attention. And as much as I do like attention, it annoys me that I basically have to masquerade as my AGAB in order for people to give a shit about me. And if I acknowledge my gender at all, people suddenly can't get away from me fast enough. Very few people in kink spaces have had a positive reaction to learning about my queerness, and I find that shocking and disappointing.

(Interestingly, the most positive reactions I've gotten about my queerness have come from the ABDL community. Shout-out to them, they get so much unwarranted hate.)

Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone else has had the same or similar experiences as myself. Anyone else feel like some kinksters are shockingly queerphobic, especially given how interwoven queer and kink histories are?

 

[Anonymous (83b5)]

I think a lot of it is because it's hard for a lot of people to understand being genderqueer/gender fluidness. It's easy enough to understand trans genders a lot of us can build it down to a trans man is a man and trans woman is a woman. But it's hard for a lot of us to even try to understand and kind of gender fluid identity ( I'm assuming that's what you mean by varies day to day) and sadly alot of us have had negative reactions to trying to understand it so it's best we just stay away from it. It doesn't make it right but it's trying to get through things with out some kind of negative argument occuring.

As far as bio female preference I understand it excludesalot of people but just like you don't choose to be trans I don't believe you really choose who your attracted to and a lot of people are going to be attracted to to something they understand such as bio women or bio men. Just like most of the trans people I know in person primarily seek out other trans people to be in a relationship with. It's not a negative you just go to what's comfortable.

 

[Anonymous (a338)]

I think a lot of it is because it's hard for a lot of people to understand being genderqueer/gender fluidness. It's easy enough to understand...

I understand having a preference for a certain kind of genitalia, that's not an issue at all, but a lot of trans people aren't fond of "biological [gender]" because it sort of implies that their gender isn't real. So if someone said "I'm only attracted to cisgender women," I would completely understand, but saying "I'm only attracted to biological females" is kind of dehumanizing and uncomfortable. (Most ladies don't appreciate being called females, and it's possible to have a Y chromosome and still be female.)

I also completely disagree that it's better for cis, perisex people to just not ever interact with those of us who aren't strictly one binary gender. We're all human, ain't we? It's not like a cis, perisex person can never understand a gender outside of the binary, and it certainly won't help their understanding of us if they pretend we don't exist. At the very least, it would be nice to have our existence acknowledged so we don't feel totally invisible or like we're untouchable, monstrous freaks. I do understand that there will be people who, even if they try their hardest to understand, may never really get it, and that's fine. But it helps to make an effort.

And, really, I'm just disappointed that there's such a lack of queer acceptance in so many kink spaces.

 

[Anonymous (83b5)]

I didn't know people were bothered by the term female honestly I'm kind of curious if it's the same for the term for male. And I didn't mean it's better for cis people to not interact with genderqueer people I just meant it tends to happen because it makes them more comfortable.

I am sorry to hear you feel so alienated from things and I would love to know what you feel we as a community could do better specifically. I never like to alienate people but this is a topic that very much confuses me so I do apologize if I say anything that seems rude.

 

[Anonymous (a338)]

I didn't know people were bothered by the term female honestly I'm kind of curious if it's the same for the term for...

Maybe it's a cultural thing, but the people I know who dislike being called "male" or "female" feel that way because those are terms they use exclusively when talking about animals. So, for the women I know, if someone says "those females over there," it feels dehumanizing because that's how they'd talk about a herd of cows or something. But there are definitely people who don't mind it, everyone's different. I can only speak from my own experience.

I used to be on this forum, I completely forget now what it was, but users were able to add a little collection of pride flags to their bio. It was nice. The flags were small and pixelated, so they didn't take up too much space, and it really helped to normalize the presence of queer folks on the forum. And, of course, there was an ally flag option if you weren't queer yourself but wanted to show your support. It was really fun and cool to have my little display of flags, and I'd love to see more websites and forums have a feature like that. I could potentially do it myself on my profile, and maybe I will, but it would definitely be easier if it was a baked-in feature of the forum.

Aside from being able to display flags, I think the best tool of inclusivity is to do exactly what you're doing - be curious and ask your questions respectfully to people who are willing to answer. Not everyone likes to yap as much as I do, but I think most people are willing to answer questions if they're genuine and considerate.

 

[Butterfly]

I am so sorry that you have been put in this situation and have been made to feel alienated. I really hope that we can work together to make an accepting and inclusive environment on this forum. But I also know that there are going to be ignorant and rude people everywhere, especially behind the anonymity of a keyboard on the internet.

I know it isn't the same thing but I get some really stupid comments about me being fat and/or poly as well. It really sucks! I understand not being somebody's choice, but there is no need to be rude or abusive because of it. I am still just a person. Treat me as such!

I try really hard to ask questions and be curious and I hope it doesn't come across as ignorant. I wish more people would do the same. Just be open to learning. You don't have to date me, fuck me or even be friends with me, but treat me with respect.

I love the idea of the flags. I wonder if @Inkwarden could make this happen for us.

 

[Anonymous (a338)]

I am so sorry that you have been put in this situation and have been made to feel alienated. I really hope that we...

I just remembered the forum, it was Everskies! More of a game than a forum I guess, but yeah, there are little flag badges users can add to their bios. Fun and functional.

And yeah, I completely understand the fatphobia, too. I'm thankfully well past the time in my life when I would have been offended by fatphobic comments, but I'll never understand what gives people the audacity to opine on someone else's weight.

In any case, I'm a firm believer in the "there is no such thing as a stupid question" adage. As long as it's civil, I won't take offense to a genuine question, you know? But I also understand not wanting to look clueless. That's one of the nice things about anonymity, at least: it's possible to look clueless and not feel embarrassed about it.

Anyway, I've had some good experiences on getDare, too, and in particular I saw some unexpected positivity on one of my blog posts where I discussed my sexuality in-depth. But it is disheartening that presenting myself as I truly am seems to drive people away. I'll be optimistic and tell myself it's because they're awestruck.

 

[Inkwarden]

The flags have been added.

 

[Anonymous (83b5)]

The flags have been added.

Damn your quick

 

[Anonymous (83b5)]

I just remembered the forum, it was Everskies! More of a game than a forum I guess, but yeah, there are little flag badges users can add to their bios. Fun and functional.

And yeah, I completely understand the fatphobia, too. I'm thankfully well past the time in my life when I would have been offended by fatphobic comments, but I'll never understand what gives people the audacity to opine on someone else's weight.

In any case, I'm a firm believer in the "there is no such thing as a stupid question" adage. As long as it's civil, I won't take offense to a genuine question, you know? But I also understand not wanting to look clueless. That's one of the nice things about anonymity, at least: it's possible to look clueless and not feel embarrassed about it.

Anyway, I've had some good experiences on getDare, too, and in particular I saw some unexpected positivity on one of my blog posts where I discussed my sexuality in-depth. But it is disheartening that presenting myself as I truly am seems to drive people away. I'll be optimistic and tell myself it's because they're awestruck.

I do hope that you feel the people here are at least trying to understand you and if they don't we could fight them. With shovels and heavy padlocks on the end of chains.

 

[baloo]

heavy padlocks on the end of chains.

Ahh the chain of command!

I can only imagine what you must feel like in your situation. I am in the process of learning to express my genderfluidity so I am still somewhat used to playing my AGAB, but more and more I feel alienated by communities that proliferate binary thinking. If you wanna exchange thoughts on this journey, feel free to reach out
Most of the time I skip any personals or messages from people seeking a binary gender or non-trans people and that shrinks the list down a lot, but not to zero!
So I guess what I am trying to say is: Perhaps your being genderfluid is more of a superpower that helps you evade people that don't want you as you are!

I still think inside kink there are more queer and queer-friendly people than outside, but it always hits me when I find what I make myself believe to be the exception.

 

[Anonymous (83b5)]