CNC... By Myself?

[Anonymous (290e)]

So, yeah. I like CNC, but I don't like blackmail, exposure, or public. I have a partner, but he and I are long-distance, so CNC is extremely challenging. Like, how do you make that work long-distance without blackmail, exposure, or public? Not easily, in my experience. On top of that, my partner and I haven't really been intimate with each other in a while. We've been together for like a decade now (since we were both teens), and we used to get freaky pretty often (cybering), but I can't remember the last time we so much as exchanged nudes.

Neither of us are opposed to the other engaging in kink play or even having sex with other people, so there is that avenue, but there are unfortunately some issues with that, too.

First, our relationship isn't a strictly open relationship. We're non-monogamous when it comes to sex because it's not like he and I could have real sex when we're states away from each other anyway, but we're exclusive when it comes to romance. And, in my experience, even when I'm extremely clear with play partners about the fact that I'm spoken for, nine times out of ten it seems like they get attached and expect a long-term relationship.

Second, my living situation is not conducive to meeting up with play partners. I live with a roommate, she works from home, she very rarely leaves town, she's religious and would be scandalized if she knew I was hooking up with strangers to fuck, we have cats - I can't host. I also don't have a car or a bike, and I'm broke af, so if I went to a hotel or something, I'd have to scrape together some cash for the bus ride there... and then I might not even be able to pay for half the cost of the hotel room after that. And that's on top of being AFAB and meeting a stranger online for sex, knowing it could go from consensual non-consent to real non-consent very quickly...

Third... I'm a virgin, and I may or may not have vaginismus. OTL I'm tighter than a damn nun, I've only ever been able to fit one dildo in me my whole life and it was about as girthy as a highlighter.

But aside from just masturbating and fantasizing (boring), what else could I possibly do? Ideas? Thoughts?

 

[Masterfulsensation]

Hmm, interesting dilemma. What’s the long term plan with your partner? Have you ever met? 10 years is a long time to be romantically attached with no plans to actually be together . I think that’s a separate issue to the playing but are you okay with being in this situation permanently? What’s stopping you making plans to move within range of each other? Is it really a romantic relationship you want to stay committed to or has it become a very strong friendship that’s holding you back from the full package you really deserve? Anyway I can’t advise you on that, just suggest you analyse it honestly yourself.

Okay you have a few hurdles to find a play partner but I’m not seeing anything there that makes it impossible if you’re upfront with potential Dom/mes. So for people getting attached and wanting more, that’s just trial and error and don’t judge people for liking you too much lol, you might even find yourself getting attached after a few intimate sessions with a person you like. You can only explain to people at the beginning and see how things go.

I don’t think money should be stopping you, again be upfront about it, maybe the Dom/me will have a home they can host you or be willing to pay for a hotel and taxi when you meet, there are still a few of us oldskool Dom/mes around that actually like to pay the tab on a date lol.

I’ve got no idea why having cats was relevant , they wouldn’t tell on you

I’m not sure what AFAB means , but yes you’ve got to be super careful about who you meet up with, especially if you want to do CNC. There’s no guaranteed answer but you need to get to know them well first, voice chat, FaceTime and probably a couple of public meetings together before going to a hotel room, trust your instincts, if you see red flags take notice of them. For me there comes a point where is it really any different to meeting someone in a bar etc that nobody you know can vouch for. You can also tell someone exactly where you’re going and who with, even check in with them hourly and any other precautions you can think of.
You say you don’t want someone that wants a long term relationship but are you hoping for a long term dynamic or just a couple of meets and no more? As I’ve just said, you’ve got to spend a fair amount of time before meeting and get to know them well to build the trust.

You should probably find out from a doctor if you have vagismus or not, but the right partner is going to respect that, there’s plenty of ways to play with you with putting large things inside you, cnc doesn’t mean ignoring details like that and just hurting you.

As for playing online, you probably can’t get the full cnc experience but you can be completely honest, obedient and willing to do punishments you really don’t want to if you don’t obey. You’re right that nobody can really just use you as they want without your help online but I wouldn’t rule out online play, there might just be a Dom/me you come across that has some great ideas how to make you feel closer to the experience you want than you have before.

Good luck, I hope you find exactly what you want, you sound pretty cool and a lot of fun

 

[Anonymous (695c)]

I dont think I could add aything more than masterful here, that is a good through and detialed answer. Masterful is right here there are options, but first knowing what exactly you want is an absoulute must.

Masterful, and anyone else that is unaware AFAB is assigned female at birth.

 

[Masterfulsensation]

I dont think I could add aything more than masterful here, that is a good through and detialed answer. Masterful is right here there are options, but first knowing what exactly you want is an absoulute must.

Masterful, and anyone else that is unaware AFAB is assigned female at birth.

That’s what Google said lol, but I wasn’t sure if there was an alternative texting abbreviation, it didn’t seem to fit with the risk of meeting strangers

 

[Anonymous (695c)]

The risk being higher with someone AFAB vs AMAB, it is a scary situation regardless when concent is actually ignored. But someone AMAB on average may have a better chance of defending themselves and escaping (not gareenteed and saftey should always be concidered for that reasson) but yeah that woud be the fit with meeting strangers as AFAB, if something goes bad less muscle mass to try and escape with.

 

[Anonymous (290e)]

Hmm, interesting dilemma. What’s the long term plan with your partner? Have you ever met? 10 years is a long time to be romantically attached with no plans to actually be together . I think...

Oh, I just mentioned the cats because one of them is a 11 week old kitten who hates being alone.

So, for context, my long-distance partner is a queer, disabled black person living in a conservative state in the south with his abusive family. He and I have tried on a handful of occasions to help him move out, which he should be completely within his rights to do because he's a grown adult in his mid twenties, but his family have always gotten the police involved and threatened to have him admitted to a mental hospital (which they've done before). They've also been withholding documents from him that he'd need in order to find a new place to live.

As far as our relationship goes, he and I are both on the asexual/aromantic spectrum, so it's a bit difficult for us to define our relationship. We've definitely discussed before what it is that we both want out of our partnership and whether we ought to split, but we've never really reached a conclusion. It could very well be time to have that discussion again, but I don't think either of us are holding the other back. I do think, though, that our partnership might eventually become non-exclusive or ultimately dissolve, and that's fine too. It would still have been meaningful, enjoyable 10 years regardless.

Anyway, yeah, I guess I just need to get more confident about putting myself out there.

 

[Anonymous (1983)]

That certainly adds context, for your boyfriend, is he truly capable of living independently alone? If he is you should maybe go down the route of reporting the abuse, I’m not sure the correct agency for that in America but there must be one that can step in, speak with him and help him get to wherever he really wants to be, maybe a pro bono lawyer could help if you can get one.

As for you, I can’t say I have anymore than a basic understanding of asexual/aromanic but I can only assume you want a sexual element in your life if you’re looking for cnc. You’ve got to get somewhat close with a Dom/me to build enough trust to meet, it doesn’t have to be defined as a proper “relationship” but if you keep people at arms length and end things when they get too close you’re never going to reach that level of trust to be safe.
What are you thinking would be perfect for you? Are you hoping for 1 or 2 meets then back to how you are now? Or an ongoing dynamic with someone?

I agree you should try to gain confidence and I really think the easiest way is online, find someone you like the idea of playing with you, nobody too close to where you live or they’ll want to meet too quickly, build trust, have fun and then see how you can plan a meet together.

 

[Masterfulsensation]

Oops that was me I forgot to switch the anonymous off.

 

[Anonymous (290e)]

That certainly adds context, for your boyfriend, is he truly capable of living independently alone? If he is you should maybe go down the route of reporting the abuse, I’m not sure the correct agency for that in America but there must be one that can step in, speak with him and help him get to wherever he really wants to be, maybe a pro bono lawyer could help if you can get one.

Unfortunately, there isn't very much I can do from the other side of the country. I've definitely suggested he try getting some help to finally make his life his own, but he's understandably hesitant. Even though his family is abusive, they've done everything in their power to make him reliant on them, so the idea of pushing back against them and breaking free is an intimidating one. So, he's not keen on the idea of taking legal action against them, despite myself and others urging him to do so. This is pretty typical for people in abusive relationships, though, so I don't hold it against him. I went through a similar thing with my previous ex.

As for you, I can’t say I have anymore than a basic understanding of asexual/aromanic but I can only assume you want a sexual element in your life if you’re looking for cnc. You’ve got to get somewhat close with a Dom/me to build enough trust to meet, it doesn’t have to be defined as a proper “relationship” but if you keep people at arms length and end things when they get too close you’re never going to reach that level of trust to be safe.
What are you thinking would be perfect for you? Are you hoping for 1 or 2 meets then back to how you are now? Or an ongoing dynamic with someone?

Being on the ace spectrum is interesting because everyone's attitudes about sex and intimacy are different. Basically, in simple terms, my asexuality and aromanticism manifest in such a way that I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, but I do still get horny and have a libido and an interest in sex. So, I've never looked at anyone and thought to myself, "that person is so sexy, I really want to get in bed with them." I've also never looked at anyone and thought, "I'd really like to kiss that person." I have, however, masturbated and wanted to participate in sexual stuff, just never with anyone specific. There are, of course, aroace people out there who are entirely disinterested in sex and romance, but there are also folks like me.

As for what I'm looking for, I guess that's something I need to think more about because I'm not entirely sure.

I agree you should try to gain confidence and I really think the easiest way is online, find someone you like the idea of playing with you, nobody too close to where you live or they’ll want to meet too quickly, build trust, have fun and then see how you can plan a meet together.

That's more or less what I'm trying to do here on kinkywonderland.

 

[Masterfulsensation]

Yes I wouldn’t recommend pushing him until he decides it’s definitely what he wants, you can certainly keep an eye on the situation and step in with a simple phone call if things get too serious. Abuse can take so many forms, I’ve being going through it myself trying to get my ex out of my life so I sympathise with you both.

I’m not sure I can offer much more in the way of “advice”, feel free to pm me if you want to chat though, you seem pretty cool