*Warning: This blog may not have an actual point, it may be kind of ranty, I really don't know how it is going to turn out or if it will make any sense*
A lot people might only see me as a Domme, that is certainly the role I end up filling the majority of the time. But those who have known me for awhile, will know that I am, in fact, a switch. I think at my core, I am really submissive. I have known that I am submissive since I was 16 and learned all about D/s and BDSM.
I love the feeling of giving up control to somebody who I fully trust. It is a time for me to let everything go, let go of the control I hold onto so tightly in my everyday life, and just submit, and sink into that subby world where I am taken care of, cherished and don't need to worry about anything.
Giving up control for me has been a great coping mechanism over the past decade because of the above reasons.
In my past, people might have also considered me to have a lot of submissive tendencies. Not liking confrontation or conflict. Sometimes having a lot of fear or anxiety. Blushing or being shy and struggling to speak up for myself. While I have spent a lot of time working on these things over the past few years, I think they are still there, just under the surface.
However, I have a lot of non-submissive (or Dominant) qualities too. I am very stubborn and passionate. When somebody I love is being hurt I am the first person to step up and advocate for them (I call this my mama bear mode). I would do anything to protect the people I care about in my life. When there is a cause I am passionate about, I will not stop fighting. I am also very much the caregiver, organizer, planner and boss.
The most surprising quality? I hate being told what to do!
How ironic! I am a sub after all. I live to be told what to do and give up control to other people. So how can I even say that I hate being told what to do?
The difference is that when I submit, I choose the person very carefully. It has to be somebody I trust
. It has to be somebody I have a connection with. It has to be somebody who makes me feel good, and who I know will give me the proper after care (because submitting makes me incredibly vulnerable). I have to consent.
My submission is something I give. I don't give it lightly or hastily. It is a gift. Nobody can take it from me. I have to give it to you.
But in my everyday life, there are times when I feel like somebody is trying to control me or tell me what to do, and I either freeze or I fight back. If it is something small, I can usually just fight back and be determined to do the opposite of what the person tells me not to do. For example, somebody once told me that I can't watch Grey's Anatomy because there is too much blood and I wouldn't like it (I am squeamish), and so I fought back and I watched it. And guess what! I loved it! Or a friend told a group of us that we have to stop commenting on a controversial blog because it is just providing negative attention and making the problem worse. I fought back and posted even though I probably wouldn't have posted again if they didn't tell me not to.
Those are examples of small ways that people tell me what to do, or not to do, and I usually just fight back. Those things are my decisions to make, not anybody else's and it isn't causing any harm to do the things people tell me not to do and there is something inside me that just causes me to fight back.
However, when it comes to bigger things, something happens inside me and I just break down and freeze. I can't fight back. For example, when I first moved in with Mr. Devious, my mother in law told me I had to eat dinner with them while Mr. Devious was gone for the night. I told her it was ok, I enjoyed my night alone, but she insisted. I know her heart was in the right place, but no matter how many times I said no, she continued to insist. It got even worse when I learned that what she was making was something that I don't eat (I was forced to eat food when I was a child and so I have a lot of food aversions, and it is a very sensitive subject for me). I broke down. I froze. I know she was just trying to be nice and I felt ungrateful for resisting but no means no. I was so upset about the situation that I didn't eat dinner at all and I couldn't sleep until 6 am the next morning.
I don't do well with being told what to do. No means no. Yes means yes. It is my life, my body, my right to say no and make my own decisions.
I am not callous or mean. If somebody is trying to help and give me advice, I will listen, as long as I feel like I have a choice in whether I accept it.
And of course I obey laws, and if a police officer told me to pull over I would. I respect people of authority. People who have been appointed or been given authority and are recognized for that; teachers, police officers, judges, the government, etc. But when somebody who has no authority to control me or tell me what to do, somebody who I have not willingly given the gift of my submission, I can't stand it.
I know a lot of this probably comes from growing up in an abusive household. I was verbally abused and manipulated by my dad for 16 years. He still tries now. I was forced to do things I never wanted to do. I was denied doing things that I wanted to and should have been able to do.
I spend a lot of my daily life trying to stay in control for those reasons. I organize and plan and keep my emotions under control as much as possible. It is hard for me to let somebody help me and take care of me. But it feels nice too. and it feels good to let go of the reigns and give up control, submit to somebody. But it isn't something you can take from me.
I am a sub! But only to those who I have allowed to control me.
A lot people might only see me as a Domme, that is certainly the role I end up filling the majority of the time. But those who have known me for awhile, will know that I am, in fact, a switch. I think at my core, I am really submissive. I have known that I am submissive since I was 16 and learned all about D/s and BDSM.
I love the feeling of giving up control to somebody who I fully trust. It is a time for me to let everything go, let go of the control I hold onto so tightly in my everyday life, and just submit, and sink into that subby world where I am taken care of, cherished and don't need to worry about anything.
Giving up control for me has been a great coping mechanism over the past decade because of the above reasons.
In my past, people might have also considered me to have a lot of submissive tendencies. Not liking confrontation or conflict. Sometimes having a lot of fear or anxiety. Blushing or being shy and struggling to speak up for myself. While I have spent a lot of time working on these things over the past few years, I think they are still there, just under the surface.
However, I have a lot of non-submissive (or Dominant) qualities too. I am very stubborn and passionate. When somebody I love is being hurt I am the first person to step up and advocate for them (I call this my mama bear mode). I would do anything to protect the people I care about in my life. When there is a cause I am passionate about, I will not stop fighting. I am also very much the caregiver, organizer, planner and boss.
The most surprising quality? I hate being told what to do!
How ironic! I am a sub after all. I live to be told what to do and give up control to other people. So how can I even say that I hate being told what to do?
The difference is that when I submit, I choose the person very carefully. It has to be somebody I trust
. It has to be somebody I have a connection with. It has to be somebody who makes me feel good, and who I know will give me the proper after care (because submitting makes me incredibly vulnerable). I have to consent. My submission is something I give. I don't give it lightly or hastily. It is a gift. Nobody can take it from me. I have to give it to you.
But in my everyday life, there are times when I feel like somebody is trying to control me or tell me what to do, and I either freeze or I fight back. If it is something small, I can usually just fight back and be determined to do the opposite of what the person tells me not to do. For example, somebody once told me that I can't watch Grey's Anatomy because there is too much blood and I wouldn't like it (I am squeamish), and so I fought back and I watched it. And guess what! I loved it! Or a friend told a group of us that we have to stop commenting on a controversial blog because it is just providing negative attention and making the problem worse. I fought back and posted even though I probably wouldn't have posted again if they didn't tell me not to.
Those are examples of small ways that people tell me what to do, or not to do, and I usually just fight back. Those things are my decisions to make, not anybody else's and it isn't causing any harm to do the things people tell me not to do and there is something inside me that just causes me to fight back.
However, when it comes to bigger things, something happens inside me and I just break down and freeze. I can't fight back. For example, when I first moved in with Mr. Devious, my mother in law told me I had to eat dinner with them while Mr. Devious was gone for the night. I told her it was ok, I enjoyed my night alone, but she insisted. I know her heart was in the right place, but no matter how many times I said no, she continued to insist. It got even worse when I learned that what she was making was something that I don't eat (I was forced to eat food when I was a child and so I have a lot of food aversions, and it is a very sensitive subject for me). I broke down. I froze. I know she was just trying to be nice and I felt ungrateful for resisting but no means no. I was so upset about the situation that I didn't eat dinner at all and I couldn't sleep until 6 am the next morning.
I don't do well with being told what to do. No means no. Yes means yes. It is my life, my body, my right to say no and make my own decisions.
I am not callous or mean. If somebody is trying to help and give me advice, I will listen, as long as I feel like I have a choice in whether I accept it.
And of course I obey laws, and if a police officer told me to pull over I would. I respect people of authority. People who have been appointed or been given authority and are recognized for that; teachers, police officers, judges, the government, etc. But when somebody who has no authority to control me or tell me what to do, somebody who I have not willingly given the gift of my submission, I can't stand it.
I know a lot of this probably comes from growing up in an abusive household. I was verbally abused and manipulated by my dad for 16 years. He still tries now. I was forced to do things I never wanted to do. I was denied doing things that I wanted to and should have been able to do.
I spend a lot of my daily life trying to stay in control for those reasons. I organize and plan and keep my emotions under control as much as possible. It is hard for me to let somebody help me and take care of me. But it feels nice too. and it feels good to let go of the reigns and give up control, submit to somebody. But it isn't something you can take from me.
I am a sub! But only to those who I have allowed to control me.