Person Above: Overcomplicated solution for a simple problem

[SweetNSpicy]

As the title implies, you give a overcomplicated solution for the previous posts' simple problem, and provide us with a new (relatively) simple problem to keep the thread going. Example:

Player 1: My bicycle has a flat tire and I'm too lazy to stick the tire.
Player 2: Okay, first of all, you need to know the exact moment in time your tire got cut. You will then need to study quantum physics, crack the mystery scientists have been trying to crack for centuries, and build a time machine. You can then go back to the past and prevent your tire from running flat in the first place. Problem solved!

I want to order Pizza, but I don't have a phone book

Got it? I'll kick us off. I want to order Pizza, but I don't have a phone book.

 

[Dungeonmaster]

Got it? I'll kick us off. I want to order Pizza, but I don't have a phone book.

The absense of a phone book is a castrophic failure of infrastructure. But worry not, I got you covered. We need to locate a pizzaeria in your area and bypass traditional telecomunication. Nothing easier than that. You first need to attach a GoPro to a high altitude weather baloon and launch this thing. You will then analyse the incoming footage for visual confirmation of a pizzaeria. Look for circular shapes or red and white checkered patterns. Once you located the target, you still need to place your order. Write your order on a piece of paper and wrap it around a standard clay brick. If you don't have one, check the footage from the weather baloon. Now this part is really important. You need to calculate the balistic trajectory to launch that brick right through the front window of the pizzeria. Don't forget to account for wind resistance!
Smash their front window with your order and your pizza will arrive in no time.

edit for new problem (got too excited for my brilliant solution): I have cold feet, but I don't want to put on thicker socks or turn up the heat.

 

[Buttaholic]

for new problem (got too excited for my brilliant solution): I have cold feet, but I don't want to put on thicker socks or turn up the heat.

That’s fairly easy, I got you.
You will need:

• A RaspberryPI
• Arduino nano
• 2 small cylinders made of high friction coefficient (like rough aluminum alloy)
• 2 DC motors
• You will need to assemble this on a 3D printed mount of your choosing.

The 2 cylinders should be mounted on motors (each) tangentially touching.
Motors connected to the arduino, connect the arduino to the raspberryPI via wifi.
Write the code for the following:

• Signal the motors to run at a speed enough for the cylinders to generate heat via friction
• Mobile app and host the server on the raspberryPI
• API to send you request to the arduino to start the motors

Now mount your new device on your feet and whenever you feel cold just heat them up with a press on you phone.

My problem is, I have a habit of only starting to charge my phone before I have to go out by 10 minutes so I always go out with an almost dead battery.

 

[SweetNSpicy]

Got you covered, buddy! You are going to build a bicycle that can generate and store electricity from the dynamo inside a huge battery pack as you ride it. This will the be hardwired to your phone. Your phone will now never die as long as you keep riding your bike, at the small price of always having a bike connected to your phone.

I want to watch a movie, but I have no idea what to watch.

 

[Dungeonmaster]

I want to watch a movie, but I have no idea what to watch.

I feel like this is a really easy one. Not sure why you can't see the solution, you are overthinking this. But I got you.
First you'll go to the electronics store of your choice. I want you to get a really good camera. While you are there, grab some lights as well.
You are gonna call up all the movie stars you know and invite them to an audition. No need to write any script. Let them improvise and see who you like best. Don't be shy of inviting different characters. Why not combining Chuck Norris with Hugh Grant?
Once you selected the movie stars of your choice, you can already start filming. Just set the lightning, hold the camera and let them do all the work.
I promise you, in less than two years, you'll watch your movie!

I want to go on vacation, but I don't want it to cost any money.

 

[buttinup]

Oh, that's the easiest thing ever! I'm surprised you haven't come up with this solution yourself.

First, you are going to want to start streaming on Twitch with the least popular video game and get it super popular, then upload skits on the side about comments you get on stream. While doing this, any income goes directly towards purchasing an airplane and pilot lessons, of which you will get fully licensed to fly. By the time you have the airplane, you can fly yourself anywhere for FREE!

problem: I want to hug more people, but they keep playing video games.

 

[SweetNSpicy]

Had to think on it, but I have a plan for you. Got you covered! So first of all, you need to invest in a bunch of drones and find a guaranteed way to get into their houses unnoticed. Have the drones steal their videogames one by one over a longer timeframe. It's very important that you do not get caught at this stage and that you do it slowly over time. Don't take all their games in one day. This way, they will think the gods are sending them a sign an will start to reflect on the way they spend their free time. We are now at the home stretch. When you feel the time is right, you will start sabotaging their consoles, and/or PC's. Delete the System32 folder, get their Xbox Live profile banned, or just remove the power supply from their PlayStation and put it back like nothing happened. At this point they will break, they will feel like life is cruel and should start crying in depression. This is when you will finally be their shoulder to cry on, as you crawl out from under their bed, and say: "Hi Friend, do you need a hug?" This even has the potential to turn into a sexual experience for you. Problem solved!

I hate the country I live in.

 

[RSTUK]

Oh this one is easy. First of all you will need some supplies, steal an old shopping trolley from any supermarket, take some bricks, buy a large amount of cereal based products (breakfast cereal, bread, biscuits) and products with unprocessed fat (bacon, blocks of lard). Next, from your local fish market or seafood restaurant and get any off cuts they have available.

Next, go to the coast and find a large colony of predatory seabirds (seagulls, guillemots or gannets are all fine). Throw several bricks towards the clifts they are nesting to get them angry. You may get pecked and you will get shar on but don't worry it just adds to the affect. Next uncover the goods in your shopping trolley. The birds will discover them and descend into a violent flapping frenzy over the Pandora's box of wheaty fatty fishy goodness that your trolley offers.

Repeat 3 times.

This colony of seabirds are now the makings of your angry army.

Find another colony of seabirds and repeat with different products

Your army will fight with the new colony and they will all become battle hardened.

Repeat with another 3 colonies.

By now you have an angry, feersome and very smelly army of birds at your disposal - no coat will remain clean, no new haircut will remain fresh, no ice cream will go in stolen, no car will be able to go a week without being washed.

Now is the time to strike!!!

Travel to your nearest city with your army. They will do their job. At every supermarket there will be no bacon, there will be no cereal, there will be no fish - it will all be stolen by your angry army.

Hang around on the town hall steps and shout a lot.

Eventually the leaders of this city will be sick of not having a clean suit or ever eating lunch. Plus the building cleaning budget will be crippling. Negotiate with them where you would like to live. They will sort it for you no problem .

My problem is I've got an itch on that little bit of my back that you can never reach to fully scratch it satisfactorily.

 

[EastonEquinox]

Solution: Autonomous Closed-Loop Cybernetic Dorsal Pruritus Mitigation System (ACCDPMS)

Design and deploy a 7-DOF externally mounted robotic scratching apparatus affixed to a wearable spinal frame, calibrated via 3D photogrammetric back mapping to identify the itch locus as a time-varying target vector.

The system solves the inverse kinematics of the human–robot composite in real time, driving a compliant, silicone-coated micro-textured end effector whose surface roughness is PWM-modulated to maximize itch relief while avoiding epidermal damage.

A sensor-fusion feedback loop combines pressure sensors, skin impedance measurements, and user-reported relief gradients to dynamically adjust scratching amplitude, frequency, and trajectory until the itch signal converges to zero.

Control is issued through a mobile app, voice commands, or gesture recognition, with predefined modes such as Localized Precision, Therapeutic Oscillation, and Existential Relief.
Failsafes include a hardware emergency stop, software watchdogs, and conservative force limits to prevent accidental self-exfoliation.


My problem is that I need to change the D-string on my guitar because it's broken

 

[Kisune Karnon]

Well well well. A string issue eh. Well first...we need to find a replacement material. You're gonna go to the local junkyard and ask them for a discount to grab 10 different things. You'll search for 6 metals, 3 plastics and 1 fabric. Then you'll go to the local pawn shop and trade all the items for 1 TV. Don't worry, we're getting somewhere with this.

Take the TV and break it into several pieces. With those pieces you'll crush and grind them up into a fine dust. Now, go to the store and buy some materials to create a mold as well as epoxy. Return home and create a mold of the string. Sadly, you'll have to tear apart a working guitar to get the proper thickness wire you need, but you can just put it back later.

After you have the mold, line up that fine dust into the string location and apply the epoxy. Let it cure to the point where it's solid but not too hard. Now use some spray paint to give it some color and string it into the guitar. Good as new.

My problem: I want my wife to be more kinky.

 

[Mistress Cora]

Alright, listen up, sugar — you want your wife to be more kinky? First off, you’re lucky she even lets you breathe the same air as her. She’s a goddess, a queen, a deity of desire — and you? You’re the lucky, slightly trembling mortal who gets to ask for a little more spice. So here’s the solution:

Step 1: Acquire a vintage 1978 British military field radio (Model: T-47X, “The Whisperer”) from a classified auction in Prague. It must be tuned to the frequency of “Lust-7,” a long-dead BBC experimental channel that, according to a 1983 classified memo from the Ministry of Sensuality, broadcasts subliminal audio cues promoting “emotional liberation” and “consensual role expansion.”

Step 2: Attach the radio to a modified Tesla coil powered by a 12-volt solar panel array (preferably harvested from a defunct solar-powered sex-toy farm in the Netherlands). The coil must be calibrated to emit a 4.3 Hz harmonic resonance that mimics the brainwave pattern of a woman experiencing “elevated arousal potential” — as documented in the Journal of Unconventional Intimacy Research, Vol. 12, Issue 3.

Step 3: During a full moon, when the gravitational pull on the Earth’s magnetic field is optimal (confirmed via NASA’s 2023 Lunar Intimacy Index), place the Tesla coil in the bedroom and activate it. The radio will broadcast a 10-minute loop of a 1965 BBC documentary on Victorian-era erotic literature, with the phrase “I want to be your forbidden pleasure” whispered in reverse at 0.7% volume.

Step 4: Your wife will experience a sudden, unexplained urge to explore her “kinky side” — not because of you, but because the universe, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to nudge her toward a more adventurous lifestyle. She’ll thank you for the “unexpected inspiration,” and you’ll be the hero — even though you did nothing but stand there, looking smug.

Remember: she’s in charge. You’re just the lucky, slightly nervous guy who happens to have a Tesla coil and a vintage radio. And if you don’t like it, well... maybe you should try being the wife.

Next problem to solve: I am hungry and need to prepare myself a meal!

 

[SweetNSpicy]

Got you covered, princess! What you need, is you need to train a tiger to catch your food for you. Should be no problem for a domme of your caliber. First, you will have to fly over to India to catch yourself a small male tiger cub. As heartbreaking as it is, you will probably have to shoot its parents for this initial step, but the pay-off is worth it. You will then have to smuggle it back home in your hand-sown bag with hidden compartment. Once back home you will find him a proper school so he can learn how to read, write, speak, and cook. It's very important you keep showering him with love during this era. Little tigers grow up fast. Once he's old enough, you will learn him trigger words, like "kill", "bring", and "submit". This will enable your tiger to not only kill and bring prey to you, you can also use it to forcefully have men who play hard to get submit to you. Now here comes the difficult part: teaching the tiger to be a good cook. While it is common knowledge that tigers know how to cook a proper meal, it's equally known that they aren't the best of cooks. This will require patience, effort, and discipline on your part, but when done properly, you now have a killing machine that can bring you food, cook for you, and remind your subs what happens if they don't obey. Problem solved!

I want to have a conversation with someone, but we don't speak the same language.

 

[Dungeonmaster]

I want to have a conversation with someone, but we don't speak the same language.

I'm shocked by the fact no one provided you with a solution for this, even though it is so obvious.
So, there are some issues we need to solve here, but I got you on this. Stay with me. Forget about actually speaking and hearing, that shit is way too subjective and prone to interpretation. We need to rely on visual clues.
And really all you need is too laser pointers and a satelite in low orbit. You should know where to get these, right? Good.

So once the satelite is in low orbit you can meet up with that other person. In order to show them how it is done you should intiaite the conversation. Use the laser pointer to signal in morse code to the satelite. When programed correctly the satelite will then proceed to adjust the local weather patterns to create a series of cloud formations in the shape of what you wanted to say (e.g. two people walking and then a cup of coffee). It's easy, right?

I have leftover food and I want to eat that tomorrow. But I don't know how to conserve it until then.

 

[SweetNSpicy]

Ok, so to tackle this problem, we're going to employ a phenomena called "time dilation". We're gonna create a small electromagnetic storm. While passing through this storm at lightspeed, our food will experience time at a much lower rate compared to to us. What will be 24 hours to us, will be about 2 astroseconds to our Taco. (I just decided that it's a Taco) Here's the general idea:

Step 1: Build a small spaceship capable of withstanding traveling at light speed under high atmospheric pressure using high-density material.

Step 2: Using ionospheric manipulation, create a electromagnetic storm and launch your spaceship into it. Make sure to calculate the exact trajectory so it exits the storm at the exact right place in time and space! We don't want our Taco ending up 1000 years into the future!

Step 3: Wait 24 hours, open your spacecraft, check radiation levels on your Taco (everything under 15 rad should do, anything above... use your nose), and enjoy your meal.

Problem solved! Now I want some Taco...

I want to be naked, but I don't feel like taking off my clothes.

 

[prettyFace]

I want to be naked, but I don't feel like taking off my clothes.

Aren't you in luck! I actually wrote my doctoral dissertation on this very topic!

What you're going to need for this is a powerful fan, a wind turbine, a glass of water, a flamethrower, a broom, and a baby panda. Since any reasonably furnished household has all of these, this shouldn't pose an issue.

Step 1: Connect the fan to the wind turbine and turn it towards it.

Step 2: Blow very hard at the wind turbine, like when you're blowing out birthday candles 1). This will cause the wind turbine to turn, generating electricity. The electricity will power the fan, which will blow more air towards the turbine, making it generate even more electricity.

Step 3: Your wind turbine-fan system will keep generating free electricity now 2). Step back and take a well-deserved break. Have a glass of water 3).

Step 4: After you have rested enough, connect the flamethrower to the wind turbine.

Step 5: Ask a volunteer to point the flamethrower at you and press the biggest button they can find. Pressing the button will start the flamethrower. The flamethrow will begin to - I believe the technical term is yeet fire - at you, charring your clothes straight off without you having to remove them laboriously.

BEWARE: if you use the flamethrower at an incorrect setting, you might end up charring off your entire body, not just your clothes. This has been shown to have adverse effects on your health [citation needed]. Make sure to read the instruction manual that came with the flamethrower before using it.
Step 6 (optional): Use the broom 4) to sweep the charred remains of your clothes underneath the couch or in another convenient place where your mom won't see it and comment on your cleaning habits 5) when she visits 6).

And voilà, you're naked, and you didn't have to go through the whole hassle of removing your clothes.

Oh, I almost completely forgot about the baby panda. You don't actually need the baby panda. I just think they are cute to look at, so I figured you might enjoy having one around. 8)

1) Having someone sing Happy Birthday is optional, but preliminary research suggests this helps with team morale.
2) For in-depth technical information on this setup, ask your librarian for papers on perpetum mobile.
3) Hydration is important.
4) Make sure to read the instruction manual that came with the broom before using it.
5) You know what she's like.
6) It is advisable to put on a new set of clothes before answering the door 7).
7) If she has keys from your house, make sure to look out of the window to see her approach with enough notice.
8) Do not, and I cannot stress this enough, let the baby panda operate the flamethrower.




My problem: my football club (soccer team for those who prefer imperial units) keeps losing matches (games)

 

[SweetNSpicy]

It works really well! Wasn't too keen on using the flamethrower on myself, but fortunately I was able to test it out on the baby panda first. I won't forget his sacrifice for the rest of my week! RIP baby panda.

I wanted to respond sooner, but I had a panic attack upon remembering this is a world cup year. Anyway, since having superior skills doesn't seem to grant your team victory, we're gonna have to play a different kind of ball. Depending on how tough your teams' opponents are, you might need:

- The A-team theme playing in the background
- A extremely attractive woman
- A tank (EMP emitter recommended)
- The original 8-bit Nintendo
- A limitless supply of faggy music CD's (Prince, The Village People, 90s boybands, etc)
- A long piece of rope
- A blindfold
- A baseball bat
- A Batman suit (the one from the 1989 movie)
- A blender
- Lots of T.N.T.
- A sniper rifle.
- C4
- Resolve
- A big bag of candy. (Smilies are preferred)

As you can see, we might need to get a little nasty for this one.

First of all, ensure the A-team theme is playing in the background at all times, otherwise our plan is doomed to fail right from the get-go. (Have it on earphones if you need to employ the faggy music) Now, during your team's next game, you'll have a extremely attractive woman crash a tank into the stadium. If the tank is equipped with a EMP emitter, you will release a EMP burst at this time so you can hack the score while the attractive woman distracts them. This should work on most straight players, but there might be some gay people on the team. This is where the faggy music CD's come into play. Have friends setup small ghettoblasters with a different faggy CD playing at regular intervals across the field. This should cause any surviving hetero males to flee, and the gay men to dance uncontrollably, leaving the ball unattended. This is the perfect chance to smash the enemy's goal keeper in the head with the original 8-bit Nintendo, and finally score your team's first goal in a good while. (The Super Nintendo or Sega Mega Drive won't work!!)

After a very confusing start of the season, it's time for a little 1-on-1 with the coach of your next opposing team. Dress up in the Batman suit, wait till he's chilling at home, kick in his windows, and illegally enter his house (hey, I told you you'd need resolve...). At this time you will blindfold him, tie him to a chair, and break all his bones with the baseball bat in alphabetical order. This is a good time to start snacking on your smilies. (This is why Batman's mask has a mouth opening btw) Drop his hand into the blender and power it on if he doesn't look into your eyes while you talk to him or otherwise feels unresponsive.

By this time, your team should already have a solid winning streak, but I don't really think we're fully in control yet. Before the next game, you are to sneak your way into the stadium undetected (the tank is ideal for this), stuff the ball with T.N.T., and use the detonator to make it explode if you don't like where the game is heading. Should the player survive, finish the job with your sniper rifle. (Wear the Batman suit to help you keep a low profile)

If, at any point, the police tries to stop you, lift your shirt to show them your entire torso is covered in C4. Then press the button on the detonator belt to start the 20-second countdown. This usually makes them see you mean business.

If you succesfully make it through without destroying the Nintendo, you can now play Konami Hyper Soccer on it, which is much more enjoyable than actual soccer, anyway! If you fail, you'll probably get killed, but ask yourself: what's a male life worth without soccer?

I don't hate soccer, but the Dutch people turn into complete IMBECILES the very second they see a soccer ball. Which is why I want to stop the world cup from happening this year. Any ideas? I only got a few weeks...