Manners Maketh Man

I wanted to write a blog about something that has irked me on a number of kink platforms, Manners.
Now I am hardly royalty, i do not stand on ceremony when addressing me. I do however expect some
minimal levels of respect befitting a conversation between two humans. To cut to the heart of the matter,
I often find myself bothered by Dominants who create their profile as if talking to their submissives.
Things like "When you talk to me you must address me as <title>, you must do this, you may not do that."
And worst of all, the dreaded "You must pay me tribute before talking to me."

It puts me off. It gives the energy that just because I am a sub, That means by default i am their sub.
When I approach someone for a first time, even on a kink platform, I do so as a human being first. Before
a dynamic is established I am not your sub, you are not my Dom, we are equals. Even if we first meet when
I am in sub mode, I am still not necessarily your sub. There are situations, like protocol parties, where a prior
agreement exists that all subs serve all Doms. But in general I see it as a social faux pas to just go around
ordering other people's subs about. They never negotiated with you!

Another aspect of these 'default Doms' as I call them, is that many will not return the effort they demand from
others. Because I have contacted a few of them before, very respectfully. As you can ascertain from this blog
and my other posts here, I am quite eloquent in my writing. I put care into it, I make words flow like gentle rivers
to lead my readers along the path of my thoughts to the lake of my message.

And while I can certainly forgive those who do not have my talent, or those to whom English is a second or even
third language, the responses I have had to decipher from these pompous people have ranged from very lazy
to completely atrocious. Typo's, lack of capitals and punctuation, text speak, I had one response to a very polite
request to explore a potential dynamic that opened with the word "yo"!

It puts me off. I care about words, and seemingly they don't. I would like to hear other people's thoughts on this,
so feel free to comment. And please, do not feel pressured to attempt to rival Shakespeare as i try to. I only ask that
you try your best.

 

[The Brat Princess]

I to am careful wth my words, though mine is more a chaotic bull pit of stock traders than a river, much like my brain. Chos is where I live. With dyslexia on top even with that effort there are issues. That said I have had a run in or two with 'Defualt Doms' (love that name by the way) and they make mine look like hammlet lol. I have to agree. I am more than happy to give out a task in a thread without getting to know the person as long as there are likes-limits there I can work with. But anything more than that, I require meeting on a human level first. That goes for both my submissive and dominant sides. Unless I can build some form of a bond there I am unintreasted. In dom terms there are things I like, but more than any of those I like to know that those thing match up well with the sub side, that they are a benifit to them and not a hinderance. And visversa for my sub side. How can a reasonable negotiation take place unless you somewhat know on some level the direction eachother would like to go.

On the subject of titles, to me they are not something that should be default, unless negotiated that way. A title is very much an hounerific, regardless of if it is the sub to the dom ore the dom to the sub, those tiltles are a mark of the shared bound. And online like this is different but an in person thing, I would expect a sub to go with what feels right to them, If that means that they need to be in sub space before the title gets used and so they call me by my name at the start of play till they get to that spot where it feels right, so be it. It means more at that point anyway. If they however felt more comfortable sticking to the title except in venilla situations again I am fine with that. But outside of situations as you described where it is a pre negotiated agreement that shared use is in place. No one should force titles in my opinion, it deminishes the meaning to meaningless.

 

[Pluky]

I mostly agree with you on the first part, but the not so much on the second part, not everyone wants to talk like a book when they come to a kinky platform/forum/chat (hence they might use abbreviations, intentional language deformations for style, make typos because they are tired after work, etc) and people might express a part of their personality with things like "yo" which just might not be a part of yours

While I like people who write like you do, I prefer some variety and would be incredibly bored if everyone talked like a book As long as it's understandable and respectful, I like that everyone has their own way of expressing themselves. I could write in a similar style to yours on forums and chats if I wanted to (and you might see that if I write a blog post I tend to be more serious like that) but it's just not my vibe for talking to people directly - I wouldn't enjoy it, it would feel restrained and unexpressive (emotion wise, less fun and spontaneous), and I don't think others would enjoy it either.

 

[Butterfly]

I totally agree! I recently had somebody contact me wanting me to Domme them. They kept asking how they should address me, and what they should wear in my presence. I kept trying to tell them that until it was negotiated, we were just two humans talking and they should wear whatever they wanted (considering I couldn't see them anyways) and they should address me as Butterfly.

I also agree about people putting effort into their writing. I, like @Pluky stated, don't need somebody to be as eloquent with their words as you are, but I do have a certain standard. Not for everybody, but for those who are going to take on the role as my partner. I don't need perfect writing, grammar etc. and I am not opposed to some abbreviations, but putting zero effort in drives me crazy and is just a turn off.

 

[baloo]

I do not identify as man, does that mean I should drop all my manners?

Joking aside. I have come to a more differentiated opinion on these subjects: I came to think of reality at large as many different universes coming together - there is the physical universe, many different personal universes (The world view or views in each one of us), fictional ones we like to escape to when reading a book or watching something, or even share with the fanbase. Then we form new universes every time we talk to someone new, let it be one on one or a person writing a personal ad about themselves, profile texts, and so on. All of these universes have their own set of rules, dynamics and they come together in this beautifully messy tapestry we call the human condition.
With our ever-shrinking ever-connected online world it comes to no surprise that these universes come clashing onto one another in the most chaotic ways imaginable, and so I fully understand how people come up with misconceptions about how BDSM works, and get trapped in their local confirmation biased bubble. Staying aware of all the noise has become no easier over time.
On the subject of single-minded dominants, or "default doms" as you call them, I like to think of them as victims of their own confirmation bias. Somehow they have picked up a glimpse of D/s dynamic and assumed that was the default. This is by no means limited to dominants though. I have been addressed as "Sir" by so many wannabe submissives, too.
What I find important is to realize every one of those is a human being, they have their perspective, needs, desires, cravings. And from what I gather, I think many are simply desperate to experience with others what they have brewed up in their mind. They do not mean bad, they just lack perspective.
I fully understand your frustration, and I share it: I wish my ongoing vetting subjects would end up with anything but dead ends but somehow I have a knack for finding desperate, short-sighted, single-minded, impatient souls with a "manageable" amount of experience.

What I have come to take away for me is, let there be single-minded people, let them have their way. They choose to open a door to their inner universe which they want to share with someone. I can do this as long as I do not infringe on any of the universes I like to keep intact. I can work with a default dom, I can work with a wannabe submissive, but I always limit this to the universes in our heads. An unhealthy amount of imagination and acceptance of the PRICK scheme certainly helps with that. After all, as easy as it is to communicate with someone online, you can have many different people that each don't really get you but combined form a satisfying experience. I just wish those poor souls were as aware of this dynamic as I was, but instead they intermix with people who are genuinely looking for IRL connection or a shared universe that is a little more wholesome than a non-negotiated 24/7 as-demanded D/s setting.

As for the quality of communication, I think that goes hand in hand with the type of universe a person is willing to share. While I do feel mistreated when people address me in a derogative or assuming manner and forgo the effort of formulating full sentences, I force myself to remember that this is a cultural preconception. Communication in the end is about the intimate mutuality of communicating partners and depending on what universe my partner wishes to share with me, different expectations are in order.
For example, while I do enjoy writing this elaboration of my point of view, if I was sitting down with you face to face, I would hardly speak two sentences and make an effort to keep them as concise as my vocabulary permits before letting you speak. I find this the most pleasant and forthcoming way to communicate together - focused exchanges, referring to one another, furthering understanding and identifying misunderstandings. Like chess players dancing together.
Again, I wish I could easily find people interested in sharing wholesome universes that come with pleasant communication but until I do I content myself with mixing and matching to at least form a collection of parts that together work better than the sum of all the small universes. And I sincerely hope those soles on the other end do the same.

 

[MessyAshy]

I do not identify as man, does that mean I should drop all my manners?

Joking aside. I have come to a more differentiated opinion on these subjects: I came to think of reality at large as many different universes coming together - there is the physical universe, many different personal universes (The world view or views in each one of us), fictional ones we like to escape to when reading a book or watching something, or even share with the fanbase. Then we form new universes every time we talk to someone new, let it be one on one or a person writing a personal ad about themselves, profile texts, and so on. All of these universes have their own set of rules, dynamics and they come together in this beautifully messy tapestry we call the human condition.
With our ever-shrinking ever-connected online world it comes to no surprise that these universes come clashing onto one another in the most chaotic ways imaginable, and so I fully understand how people come up with misconceptions about how BDSM works, and get trapped in their local confirmation biased bubble. Staying aware of all the noise has become no easier over time.
On the subject of single-minded dominants, or "default doms" as you call them, I like to think of them as victims of their own confirmation bias. Somehow they have picked up a glimpse of D/s dynamic and assumed that was the default. This is by no means limited to dominants though. I have been addressed as "Sir" by so many wannabe submissives, too.
What I find important is to realize every one of those is a human being, they have their perspective, needs, desires, cravings. And from what I gather, I think many are simply desperate to experience with others what they have brewed up in their mind. They do not mean bad, they just lack perspective.
I fully understand your frustration, and I share it: I wish my ongoing vetting subjects would end up with anything but dead ends but somehow I have a knack for finding desperate, short-sighted, single-minded, impatient souls with a "manageable" amount of experience.

What I have come to take away for me is, let there be single-minded people, let them have their way. They choose to open a door to their inner universe which they want to share with someone. I can do this as long as I do not infringe on any of the universes I like to keep intact. I can work with a default dom, I can work with a wannabe submissive, but I always limit this to the universes in our heads. An unhealthy amount of imagination and acceptance of the PRICK scheme certainly helps with that. After all, as easy as it is to communicate with someone online, you can have many different people that each don't really get you but combined form a satisfying experience. I just wish those poor souls were as aware of this dynamic as I was, but instead they intermix with people who are genuinely looking for IRL connection or a shared universe that is a little more wholesome than a non-negotiated 24/7 as-demanded D/s setting.

As for the quality of communication, I think that goes hand in hand with the type of universe a person is willing to share. While I do feel mistreated when people address me in a derogative or assuming manner and forgo the effort of formulating full sentences, I force myself to remember that this is a cultural preconception. Communication in the end is about the intimate mutuality of communicating partners and depending on what universe my partner wishes to share with me, different expectations are in order.
For example, while I do enjoy writing this elaboration of my point of view, if I was sitting down with you face to face, I would hardly speak two sentences and make an effort to keep them as concise as my vocabulary permits before letting you speak. I find this the most pleasant and forthcoming way to communicate together - focused exchanges, referring to one another, furthering understanding and identifying misunderstandings. Like chess players dancing together.
Again, I wish I could easily find people interested in sharing wholesome universes that come with pleasant communication but until I do I content myself with mixing and matching to at least form a collection of parts that together work better than the sum of all the small universes. And I sincerely hope those soles on the other end do the same.

That is a very interesting worldview that I shall meditate on.

 

[Pluky]

I was just thinking (about that addressing part) of how funny it is I pretty much experience the opposite problem, sometimes submissive guys will come to me with all this "miss / mistress" talk and I didn't agree to any of that power, and similarly, some guys will be saying things about my Dom and then call him Sir, and my mind is pretty much like "hey who told you to call him Sir he's MY Sir not yours"

 

[baloo]

I was just thinking (about that addressing part) of how funny it is I pretty much experience the opposite problem, sometimes submissive guys will come to me with all this "miss / mistress" talk and I didn't agree to any of that power, and similarly, some guys will be saying things about my Dom and then call him Sir, and my mind is pretty much like "hey who told you to call him Sir he's MY Sir not yours"

Oh yes, I have been addressed that way numerous times myself. Also - although much rarer - by default doms, or just any dynamic someone wants to have. Been degraded, or asked to do highly specific things for people in the very first message they send me.
Here's hoping I keep up the strength to ignore them and not be bothered by it too much.

 

[MessyAshy]

I mostly agree with you on the first part, but the not so much on the second part, not everyone wants to talk like a book when they come to a kinky platform/forum/chat (hence they might use abbreviations, intentional language deformations for style, make typos because they are tired after work, etc) and people might express a part of their personality with things like "yo" which just might not be a part of yours

While I like people who write like you do, I prefer some variety and would be incredibly bored if everyone talked like a book As long as it's understandable and respectful, I like that everyone has their own way of expressing themselves. I could write in a similar style to yours on forums and chats if I wanted to (and you might see that if I write a blog post I tend to be more serious like that) but it's just not my vibe for talking to people directly - I wouldn't enjoy it, it would feel restrained and unexpressive (emotion wise, less fun and spontaneous), and I don't think others would enjoy it either.

Yeah, i get you... I don't talk like that all the time either, but i guess, when messaging someone a first time especially, make an effort is what i'm saying... first impressions and all that. Especially if I'm responding to an ad, I don't want to be adressed like i'm an inconvenience right off the bat, they're the ones who opened themselves to be aproached by placing the personal