Am I a slave?

After having a bit of a disagreement with my ex, Dom, today, I had an interesting thought.

But let me start from the beginning. We’ve been texting more lately, but things had quieted down again after we last met.

Today he texted me asking what I was doing; I told him I was having lunch, then he sent me coordinates and asked when I could be there. I told him when lunch would be ready, and that after eating I could leave—the drive would take about 45 minutes.

He said as soon as possible. When I asked him if he’d take me to his place or just use me there, he said I wasn’t his sub anymore (even though he usually uses the feminine form and I don’t know why) and that’s why he’d only use me in the woods.

I replied that that wasn’t enough for me, since I didn’t want to drive for two hours and pay a lot for gas just for 20 minutes of use. Gas is pretty expensive around here right now.

Then he got pretty upset and said he’d give me the gas money, but he’d use me hard in return because I wasn’t worth it.

Then he complained again that I wasn’t a slave and I still had a lot to learn, and that it was a turn-off for him when I kept arguing back, and he was going to ask his other sub now.

In the end, I guess he ended up meeting up with her—I don't know, I wasn't interested anyway, so I wasn't particularly upset, and I'm almost certain he'll get in touch again. I think, to some extent, he knows what he has in me.

But after thinking about it for a bit, it led me to an interesting thought.

Namely, that he might be right and I’m just not a slave. For a long time, I just thought he was a bad Dom, but on the whole, he’s at least right about the fact that a slave does what the master wants without complaining or negotiating or whatever. A slave just obeys.

I like being used in a sexual context, but outside the bedroom I’m not submissive. I can’t and won’t do everything without any ifs or buts. Gas is expensive, I’m not particularly rich—this month I’m actually really tight on money and had to take some out of my savings account.

Now I’m just wondering, if I’m not a slave, then what am I?

Just passive?

I don’t know...

 

[LisetskVarna]

I'm sorry, I'm not entirely caught up on everything you've mentioned about this relationship and I can't think of a gentler way to put this. However, you are dealing with someone who doesn't respect you even as a plaything, doesn't respect your identity, and is using petty insults and manipulation tactics to get what he wants at the slightest hint of you standing up for yourself. A slave is supposed to be cared for in a power exchange relationship, not summoned on a whim and rotated out when they dare need anything. No one can make you exchange power for nothing.

The opinion of someone who has made clear he sees you as nothing more than an on-call toy should have no bearing on who you are or whether you're doing a good job at it. He will say anything he has to to make you doubt yourself in the hopes it'll get you back on his dick. You deserve better.

 

[makemesquirm]

I've read a few of your other blogs before and I agree with @LisetskVarna. You deserve so much more than what this so called "Dom" has been giving you. A BDSM dynamic (or any play session for that matter) is meant to be mutually beneficial and respectful.

You're also well within your rights to refuse meeting up for a 20 minute fuck and that doesn't make you any less of a sub/slave. That's still the case even if it didn't involve a long trip and gas money you can't really afford to pay for.

I hope I'm not overstepping here, but I really hope you stop talking to this person and find yourself a good Dom who will treat you well. Please look after yourself

 

[Butterfly]

Being a slave doesn't mean that you have zero dignity or independence. In the end, you are still responsible for your happiness and safety. I don't recommend that anybody goes into a dynamic and just blindly leads their partner. Even with years and years of trust built up, you should still speak up.

You deserve better.

 

[Jolly*FtM]

Thank you so much; you’re (@LisetskVarna @makemesquirm @Butterfly) absolutely right, of course. I don’t know why I’m trying to please someone I can’t really please.

I’m glad he’s no longer my Dom, because now I can truly be myself.

Even though he still texts me sometimes—sometimes even more often than before—if I have time to meet him, I’ll do it, and if not, then I won’t.

But I’m also meeting up with other people and hope to find a good partner soon.

Basically, I do find the idea interesting—what makes a slave, and what I’m willing to do and what I’m not.

I think that’s not so easy, especially since I haven’t had a real Dom outside of this in, let’s say, the last 20 years. There was someone last year I met a few times, but he didn’t want a d/s dynamic. So he was the first one with whom I could gain real experience.

I still believe he isn’t a good dom, mainly because he simply ignores important aspects of a dynamic. But as far as my role is concerned—who and what I want to be—I think I still need to figure that out for myself; maybe that’s only really possible with the right partner.